I weighed in at 121.4 this morning, and it doesn't seem so surprising given the amount of food I've eaten last night. I didn't care that I was eating more than my usual caloric intake because I was happy... or at least I though I was.
The start of the new year was fantastic since I had a new plan in my mind, I was ready for whatever challenge was ahead of me, everyone in my life was happy to see me and wanted to spend time together either as friends or family. Life was good... until about a week or so.
I was watching something on youtube (SS VS SS, or Kate Thornton Anorexia, My Secret Past), and some of the research done on anorexia patients stuck with me. I can't remember where, but they had said something about children who have higher levels of anxiety are more likely to have an eating disorder. They're terrified of what the consequence's of certain scenarios are, and do everything in their power to avoid those situations. These people are generally really sweet, obedient, perfectionists, quiet, eager to please, and friendly; they are passive aggressive to the point where they would deprive themselves of nourishment as a cry for help. Anorexia is never about food or weight loss, it just so happens that these sufferers have a need to control one aspect of their intimate lives... food happens to be one of many obsessions.
I don't remember many things about my childhood but I do remember how I would feel when I had to do something new, my character traits as a child, some traumatic events, and really... things that contributed to my obsession with weight.
From an early age I was told that I looked "healthy". Coming from a Korean family, overweight people where ALWAYS frowned upon but weight as a child was acceptable. But the comments they said would imply negative connotations and obviously a child would pick it up. So in a way they would call my fat when I was at the age of 4-5. My older brother would terrorize me when my parents were at work, and often they would just leave us home alone until work was done. It wasn't their fault though since we were poor and their work place was just "downstairs" the apartment; but still, it didn't help the whole picture. My parents were also physically abusive, but it was nothing over the top, but it was enough to have me believe that my parents weren't trustworthy... and how can a child not trust her parents?
I was forced into a lot of things, extra curricular things like piano, reading comprehension, math worksheets... my childhood was basically robbed from me. I was never allowed to stay over at a friend's house for too long, I would only come over on birthday occasions. I've never had an organized birthday party for myself since my parents were so busy... and the list goes on. I basically felt and, still feel, as if I was a mistake and that I was a burden. That nothing from my birth was beneficial to them. I probably was a mistake... and I don't deserve this life I live. And this is were my obsession with weight, food, perfectionism comes from. I never felt that I was good enough for my parents, and to this day I still feel like I'm not good enough... It hurts. I hate thinking about it... it only fuels my need to starve myself until I die because it seems like a fitting punishment for my existence.
I don't know if I have an anxiety disorder, depression, and/or, and eating disorder, but I fucking hate the person that I am and the thought of eating, what sustains life in all things, just makes me sick.
I need to do something about it. I need to starve. I need to show everyone in my life that I'm paying a price for my unwanted life.
I need to be perfect.
UPDATE: @ 12pm
Coffee w/ Whitener: 60cal
Coffee w/ Whitener: 60cal
Oatmeal w/ Raspberries: 190cal
Total: 310cal
Then I'll have a smoothie at the mall for about 400cal. It'll be my lunch and snack replacement.
Then when I get home, I'll have my usual soup with peas and melba toast for about 240cal.
Perhaps it'll be a 950cal day?
UPADTE: @ 8:45pm
So I had the smoothie, but then I had 2-thirds of Koya Japan: Chicken Teriyaki at about... 450cal
So In total, I've had 11:60cal.
Plus, all this shopping and walking around hopefully burned some calories.
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