Breakfast: Coffee w/ Soy Milk - 100cal
Lunch: 2 slices of Toast w/ Vegan Margarine - 250cal
Dinner: Ham & Swiss Panini - 430cal
Snack: 2 extra large Hard Boiled Eggs - 160cal
Total Caloric Intake: 940cal
I going to try really hard not to eat anything now since I'm done for the day.
I'm just going to have water if I get the hungry pains again.
Sometimes I get so angry with the hunger pains that I'll just drink water to the point where I can't take it anymore; like I'm about to burst from the inside out, until tears come out of my eyes from the amount of discomfort of a full stomach, until I'm about to puke nothing but water.
In a fucked up way, I like to make myself feel physical purposeful pain. I like to punish myself when I know I'm guilty of something.
I feel guilty for feeling hungry all the time. It pisses me off that my body is asking for food when it doesn't need it. I. Am. Fucking. Fat.
I. Don't. Deserve. Food.
I. Don't. NEED. FOOD.
The only thing I need is a perfect body; gracefully thin.
I want my body to look as if my skeleton is under a veil of soft pale skin, as if the bones whisper their presence through the veil.
Just thinking about how clothes would look with my collarbones poking through... ugh! Perfection.
Or even wearing jeggings and having a huge gap between my thigh and crotch...
Or even wearing a white, tight, racerback tank and not feeling self concious about ANYTHING.
I've been thinking about buying my goal outfit sometime soon, either online or in store.
I might go for online-shopping since it allows me to shop in private.
I'm thinking my order should consist of...
- a size 0, Little Black Dress; tight, minimalistic, above the knee, sleeveless or strapless.
- a size 0, pair of Bright Red Jeggings.
I'm probably going to look for expensive items only so I don't 'waste' purchasing them.
Anyways, I'm gonna go 'perfect' outfit hunting.
I'll update some more tomorrow.
<3
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