Same old, same old. I haven't fallen off the wagon just yet, it just the wagon is a bit broken and everyone on it has stopped to fix it; it needs to run better than before so that all the people on it can get to their destination faster. I guess you can say I'm trying to figure out a custom amount of calories that I can maintain for weight loss and for maintenance. Even though there are tons of tools online, I still believe that 1200cal a day is a bit too much but at the same time it's enough for me to gain weight. This is one of many places were my obsession hides. Fear. I'm scared that I'll be fat forever, I'm scared of all the health complications of being over weight, I'm scared of not being loved, I'm scared that I'll never be valued by anyone since I'm not worth anything... or at least that's what I think. The smart side of me knows that I'm not fat, unhealthy, forgotten, unwanted, but my eating disordered self thinks the exact opposite. So far, my ED self is stronger than the smart self since I'm trying to lose weight and the feeling of losing weight is just so euphoric.
Anyways, on a lighter note, I'm trying to figure out what I'll be eating today.... I want to aim for 1000cal a day but since I'll be working for a long time tonight I don't think I should cut my calories before 1200cal. Plus, it'll help me prevent any urge to eat anything extra.
Breakfast...
- Oatmeal & Peaches: 170cal
- Coffee: 100cal
1st Break...
- Starbucks, Quad, Venti, Sugar-free Vanilla, Soy, No Whip, Skinny Mocha: (2/3 finished) 135cal
2nd Break...
- Spinach Feta Wrap: 280cal
- Small Soy Latte: 120cal
Dinner...
- Butternut Squash Soup + Peas & Melba Toast: 240cal
Snack...
- Apple & Cheese: 250cal
TOTAL: 1295cal
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