...but I'm re-evaluating my relationship with weight and food.
I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life because of my issues, I want to have a body that I'm okay with.
I might go into self-recovery because I know that I'm smarter than my illness. I've been thinking about going to the gym and eating 1300cal to 1500cal a day... like a normal person would. Hopefully when I don't think about my diet too much, I'll realize one day that I've dropped to my goal weight of 110-115lbs.
I don't know... I'll keep you guys updated.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
WTF?? 118.7?
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with my body? I binged yesterday... mostly on crackers, small amounts of nutella, peanut butter, and margarine, and a portion of oatmeal. I was stoned since I came back from a dubstep show, and raging with the munchies. And this is clearly the reason why I've tried to avoid weed at all costs... because the fucking munchies messes everything I've worked hard for, except for today. I lost weight after a binge.... so that could only mean that I'm pretty dehydrated, so I'll probably gain a pound or two of water tomorrow. Or at least that's what I'm expecting.
I have no clue what I'll be having today so for now... nothing, and some laxatives.
UPDATE: I've had coffee and raspberry oatmeal: 300cal
Melon and cottage cheese: 150cal
Crackers: 140cal
Tea + Whitener: 50cal
Tuna Melt: 390cal
I have no clue what I'll be having today so for now... nothing, and some laxatives.
UPDATE: I've had coffee and raspberry oatmeal: 300cal
Melon and cottage cheese: 150cal
Crackers: 140cal
Tea + Whitener: 50cal
Tuna Melt: 390cal
Thursday, January 26, 2012
119.6
That's more like it.
I don't now how i feel about this weight loss...I guess it's good but it took a lot of effort not to over eat yesterday.
I'm gonna eat a tuna melt at 390cal now.
Coffee: 100cal
Veggie Sandwich: 350cal
Cantaloupe & cottage Cheese: 95cal + 90cal = 185cal
Soup & Crackers: 310cal
TOTAL: 1335cal
Another ham sandwish: 370cal.
Ugh... I feel like an idiot for eating it.
UPDATE...
2 Bears: 300cal
Melba Toast: 140cal
2145cal
I don't now how i feel about this weight loss...I guess it's good but it took a lot of effort not to over eat yesterday.
I'm gonna eat a tuna melt at 390cal now.
Coffee: 100cal
Veggie Sandwich: 350cal
Cantaloupe & cottage Cheese: 95cal + 90cal = 185cal
Soup & Crackers: 310cal
TOTAL: 1335cal
Another ham sandwish: 370cal.
Ugh... I feel like an idiot for eating it.
UPDATE...
2 Bears: 300cal
Melba Toast: 140cal
2145cal
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
119.8 Again
Oatmeal & Peaches: 170cal
Coffee: 100cal
Egg & Cheese Sandwich: 350cal
Spinach Feta Wrap: 280cal
1 bite of fish taco: 40cal
Soup: 240cal
Crackers: 70cal
Carrot: 35cal
Total: 1285cal
Coffee: 100cal
Egg & Cheese Sandwich: 350cal
Spinach Feta Wrap: 280cal
1 bite of fish taco: 40cal
Soup: 240cal
Crackers: 70cal
Carrot: 35cal
Total: 1285cal
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
119.8
Same old, same old. I haven't fallen off the wagon just yet, it just the wagon is a bit broken and everyone on it has stopped to fix it; it needs to run better than before so that all the people on it can get to their destination faster. I guess you can say I'm trying to figure out a custom amount of calories that I can maintain for weight loss and for maintenance. Even though there are tons of tools online, I still believe that 1200cal a day is a bit too much but at the same time it's enough for me to gain weight. This is one of many places were my obsession hides. Fear. I'm scared that I'll be fat forever, I'm scared of all the health complications of being over weight, I'm scared of not being loved, I'm scared that I'll never be valued by anyone since I'm not worth anything... or at least that's what I think. The smart side of me knows that I'm not fat, unhealthy, forgotten, unwanted, but my eating disordered self thinks the exact opposite. So far, my ED self is stronger than the smart self since I'm trying to lose weight and the feeling of losing weight is just so euphoric.
Anyways, on a lighter note, I'm trying to figure out what I'll be eating today.... I want to aim for 1000cal a day but since I'll be working for a long time tonight I don't think I should cut my calories before 1200cal. Plus, it'll help me prevent any urge to eat anything extra.
Breakfast...
- Oatmeal & Peaches: 170cal
- Coffee: 100cal
1st Break...
- Starbucks, Quad, Venti, Sugar-free Vanilla, Soy, No Whip, Skinny Mocha: (2/3 finished) 135cal
2nd Break...
- Spinach Feta Wrap: 280cal
- Small Soy Latte: 120cal
Dinner...
- Butternut Squash Soup + Peas & Melba Toast: 240cal
Snack...
- Apple & Cheese: 250cal
TOTAL: 1295cal
Anyways, on a lighter note, I'm trying to figure out what I'll be eating today.... I want to aim for 1000cal a day but since I'll be working for a long time tonight I don't think I should cut my calories before 1200cal. Plus, it'll help me prevent any urge to eat anything extra.
Breakfast...
- Oatmeal & Peaches: 170cal
- Coffee: 100cal
1st Break...
- Starbucks, Quad, Venti, Sugar-free Vanilla, Soy, No Whip, Skinny Mocha: (2/3 finished) 135cal
2nd Break...
- Spinach Feta Wrap: 280cal
- Small Soy Latte: 120cal
Dinner...
- Butternut Squash Soup + Peas & Melba Toast: 240cal
Snack...
- Apple & Cheese: 250cal
TOTAL: 1295cal
planning...
Oatmeal + Peaches: 170cal
Coffee + Whitener: 60cal
2 Tall Soy Latte: 240cal
Spinach Feta Wrap: 280cal
Soup + Peas + Melba Toast: 240cal
Total: 990cal
Coffee + Whitener: 60cal
2 Tall Soy Latte: 240cal
Spinach Feta Wrap: 280cal
Soup + Peas + Melba Toast: 240cal
Total: 990cal
Monday, January 23, 2012
120.2
I think I'm going to get my period soon. I was thirstier than a camel yesterday so I'm hoping that this weight gain is due to a hormonal imbalance and water retention. Fuck, I hate being a girl sometimes. :(
Breakfast: Oatmeal + Raspberries & Coffee: 300cal
Lunch: 1/4 of Ham Sandwich & Small Soy Mocha: 300cal
Mid Afternoon: 370cal
Snack: 210cal
Total: 1180cal
1300cal - 1180cal = 120cal
Yoghurt: 290cal
Chocolates: 50cal
DAILY TOTAL: 1520
Breakfast: Oatmeal + Raspberries & Coffee: 300cal
Lunch: 1/4 of Ham Sandwich & Small Soy Mocha: 300cal
Mid Afternoon: 370cal
Snack: 210cal
Total: 1180cal
1300cal - 1180cal = 120cal
Yoghurt: 290cal
Chocolates: 50cal
DAILY TOTAL: 1520
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Losertown.org Plan
| Day | Weight | Calories Used | Your Calorie Deficit |
| 01/29/2012 | 118.68 | 1774.58 | 474.58 |
| 02/05/2012 | 117.74 | 1768.68 | 468.68 |
| 02/12/2012 | 116.8 | 1762.86 | 462.86 |
| 02/19/2012 | 115.88 | 1757.11 | 457.11 |
| 02/26/2012 | 114.97 | 1751.43 | 451.43 |
| 03/04/2012 | 114.08 | 1745.83 | 445.83 |
| 03/11/2012 | 113.19 | 1740.29 | 440.29 |
| 03/18/2012 | 112.31 | 1734.82 | 434.82 |
| 03/25/2012 | 111.45 | 1729.42 | 429.42 |
| 04/01/2012 | 110.59 | 1724.09 | 424.09 |
| 04/08/2012 | 109.75 | 1718.82 | 418.82 |
| 04/15/2012 | 108.92 | 1713.62 | 413.62 |
| 04/22/2012 | 108.1 | 1708.48 | 408.48 |
| 04/29/2012 | 107.28 | 1703.4 | 403.4 |
| 05/06/2012 | 106.48 | 1698.39 | 398.39 |
| 05/13/2012 | 105.69 | 1693.45 | 393.45 |
| 05/20/2012 | 104.9 | 1688.56 | 388.56 |
This would be my plan if I ate 1300cal a day. Not bad, seeing how I'll reach my GW when it's the 20th of May. It's reasonable, sustainable and predictable.
Go here if you want to make your own plan!: http://losertown.org/eats/cal.php
119.5
Looks like I'm back on track again. And it looks like I can eat a lot more and still lose the weight comfortably. I didn't log the two eggs I had with toast and ketchup for about 250cal, so I actually had about 1400cal yesterday. :)
For breakfast,I'll have my instant coffee with whitener for about 100cal.
Then I'll have my oatmeal with raspberries for about 200cal, for a total of 300cal for breakfast.
I work today from 2pm to 9:30pm so I have no clue what I'll be eating when I'm on my break. Hopefully something healthy.
Apple, & Toast w/ PB: 300cal
Coffee: 100cal
Tuna Wrap: 450cal
For breakfast,I'll have my instant coffee with whitener for about 100cal.
Then I'll have my oatmeal with raspberries for about 200cal, for a total of 300cal for breakfast.
I work today from 2pm to 9:30pm so I have no clue what I'll be eating when I'm on my break. Hopefully something healthy.
Apple, & Toast w/ PB: 300cal
Coffee: 100cal
Tuna Wrap: 450cal
Saturday, January 21, 2012
121.4. FML
I weighed in at 121.4 this morning, and it doesn't seem so surprising given the amount of food I've eaten last night. I didn't care that I was eating more than my usual caloric intake because I was happy... or at least I though I was.
The start of the new year was fantastic since I had a new plan in my mind, I was ready for whatever challenge was ahead of me, everyone in my life was happy to see me and wanted to spend time together either as friends or family. Life was good... until about a week or so.
I was watching something on youtube (SS VS SS, or Kate Thornton Anorexia, My Secret Past), and some of the research done on anorexia patients stuck with me. I can't remember where, but they had said something about children who have higher levels of anxiety are more likely to have an eating disorder. They're terrified of what the consequence's of certain scenarios are, and do everything in their power to avoid those situations. These people are generally really sweet, obedient, perfectionists, quiet, eager to please, and friendly; they are passive aggressive to the point where they would deprive themselves of nourishment as a cry for help. Anorexia is never about food or weight loss, it just so happens that these sufferers have a need to control one aspect of their intimate lives... food happens to be one of many obsessions.
I don't remember many things about my childhood but I do remember how I would feel when I had to do something new, my character traits as a child, some traumatic events, and really... things that contributed to my obsession with weight.
From an early age I was told that I looked "healthy". Coming from a Korean family, overweight people where ALWAYS frowned upon but weight as a child was acceptable. But the comments they said would imply negative connotations and obviously a child would pick it up. So in a way they would call my fat when I was at the age of 4-5. My older brother would terrorize me when my parents were at work, and often they would just leave us home alone until work was done. It wasn't their fault though since we were poor and their work place was just "downstairs" the apartment; but still, it didn't help the whole picture. My parents were also physically abusive, but it was nothing over the top, but it was enough to have me believe that my parents weren't trustworthy... and how can a child not trust her parents?
I was forced into a lot of things, extra curricular things like piano, reading comprehension, math worksheets... my childhood was basically robbed from me. I was never allowed to stay over at a friend's house for too long, I would only come over on birthday occasions. I've never had an organized birthday party for myself since my parents were so busy... and the list goes on. I basically felt and, still feel, as if I was a mistake and that I was a burden. That nothing from my birth was beneficial to them. I probably was a mistake... and I don't deserve this life I live. And this is were my obsession with weight, food, perfectionism comes from. I never felt that I was good enough for my parents, and to this day I still feel like I'm not good enough... It hurts. I hate thinking about it... it only fuels my need to starve myself until I die because it seems like a fitting punishment for my existence.
I don't know if I have an anxiety disorder, depression, and/or, and eating disorder, but I fucking hate the person that I am and the thought of eating, what sustains life in all things, just makes me sick.
I need to do something about it. I need to starve. I need to show everyone in my life that I'm paying a price for my unwanted life.
I need to be perfect.
UPDATE: @ 12pm
Coffee w/ Whitener: 60cal
Coffee w/ Whitener: 60cal
Oatmeal w/ Raspberries: 190cal
Total: 310cal
Then I'll have a smoothie at the mall for about 400cal. It'll be my lunch and snack replacement.
Then when I get home, I'll have my usual soup with peas and melba toast for about 240cal.
Perhaps it'll be a 950cal day?
UPADTE: @ 8:45pm
So I had the smoothie, but then I had 2-thirds of Koya Japan: Chicken Teriyaki at about... 450cal
So In total, I've had 11:60cal.
Plus, all this shopping and walking around hopefully burned some calories.
The start of the new year was fantastic since I had a new plan in my mind, I was ready for whatever challenge was ahead of me, everyone in my life was happy to see me and wanted to spend time together either as friends or family. Life was good... until about a week or so.
I was watching something on youtube (SS VS SS, or Kate Thornton Anorexia, My Secret Past), and some of the research done on anorexia patients stuck with me. I can't remember where, but they had said something about children who have higher levels of anxiety are more likely to have an eating disorder. They're terrified of what the consequence's of certain scenarios are, and do everything in their power to avoid those situations. These people are generally really sweet, obedient, perfectionists, quiet, eager to please, and friendly; they are passive aggressive to the point where they would deprive themselves of nourishment as a cry for help. Anorexia is never about food or weight loss, it just so happens that these sufferers have a need to control one aspect of their intimate lives... food happens to be one of many obsessions.
I don't remember many things about my childhood but I do remember how I would feel when I had to do something new, my character traits as a child, some traumatic events, and really... things that contributed to my obsession with weight.
From an early age I was told that I looked "healthy". Coming from a Korean family, overweight people where ALWAYS frowned upon but weight as a child was acceptable. But the comments they said would imply negative connotations and obviously a child would pick it up. So in a way they would call my fat when I was at the age of 4-5. My older brother would terrorize me when my parents were at work, and often they would just leave us home alone until work was done. It wasn't their fault though since we were poor and their work place was just "downstairs" the apartment; but still, it didn't help the whole picture. My parents were also physically abusive, but it was nothing over the top, but it was enough to have me believe that my parents weren't trustworthy... and how can a child not trust her parents?
I was forced into a lot of things, extra curricular things like piano, reading comprehension, math worksheets... my childhood was basically robbed from me. I was never allowed to stay over at a friend's house for too long, I would only come over on birthday occasions. I've never had an organized birthday party for myself since my parents were so busy... and the list goes on. I basically felt and, still feel, as if I was a mistake and that I was a burden. That nothing from my birth was beneficial to them. I probably was a mistake... and I don't deserve this life I live. And this is were my obsession with weight, food, perfectionism comes from. I never felt that I was good enough for my parents, and to this day I still feel like I'm not good enough... It hurts. I hate thinking about it... it only fuels my need to starve myself until I die because it seems like a fitting punishment for my existence.
I don't know if I have an anxiety disorder, depression, and/or, and eating disorder, but I fucking hate the person that I am and the thought of eating, what sustains life in all things, just makes me sick.
I need to do something about it. I need to starve. I need to show everyone in my life that I'm paying a price for my unwanted life.
I need to be perfect.
UPDATE: @ 12pm
Coffee w/ Whitener: 60cal
Coffee w/ Whitener: 60cal
Oatmeal w/ Raspberries: 190cal
Total: 310cal
Then I'll have a smoothie at the mall for about 400cal. It'll be my lunch and snack replacement.
Then when I get home, I'll have my usual soup with peas and melba toast for about 240cal.
Perhaps it'll be a 950cal day?
UPADTE: @ 8:45pm
So I had the smoothie, but then I had 2-thirds of Koya Japan: Chicken Teriyaki at about... 450cal
So In total, I've had 11:60cal.
Plus, all this shopping and walking around hopefully burned some calories.
Friday, January 20, 2012
120.1
Looks like my plan is working.
I don't now what I'll be having for breakfast but I'm sure it'll be something moderately substantial.
I ate around 1400cal yesterday and I still managed to lose weight. I did have a lot of BMs but I hope that this new calorie budget will allow myself to have my calories and lose the weight forever. It's a lot more sustainable than what I did before. I just hope I'm doing the right thing...
I don't now what I'll be having for breakfast but I'm sure it'll be something moderately substantial.
I ate around 1400cal yesterday and I still managed to lose weight. I did have a lot of BMs but I hope that this new calorie budget will allow myself to have my calories and lose the weight forever. It's a lot more sustainable than what I did before. I just hope I'm doing the right thing...
Thursday, January 19, 2012
120.4
I've fallen off of the plan yesterday and I'm amazed that my weight is still at a healthy 120.4 pounds despite eating pizza, nachos, lots of bread, fancy coffee drinks, sweets, etc. I need to go back onto my plan and focus even harder on losing the weight. I figured that 110 would be my 1st ultimate goal weight since anything below 110lbs my body starts to shut down; hair falls out, my period stops, my energy levels are practically non-existent. I just want to be normal, but skinny normal. I want to be able to still do the things I want to do but with a lesser obsession with food.
I'm actually dreading eating breakfast or anything today... I hate weighing everything even though I have to, and I hate eating, even though I have to... I dunno. I'll derp on my laptop for a bit longer before I decided to eat something.
UPDATE: @ 12:45pm
Fruit Salad & Toast: 260cal
UPDATE: @ 3:18pm
Peas & Apple Salad: 200cal
Melba Toast: 140cal
UPDATE: @ 500pm
BK Apple Pie: 340cal
UPDATE: @ 5:54pm
I small bite of Cookie: 40cal
UPDATE: @ 8:20pm
Soup, Peas, & Melba Toast: 240cal
UPDATE: @ 11.:14pm
Toast & Margarine: 250cal
Total: 1470cal
I'm actually dreading eating breakfast or anything today... I hate weighing everything even though I have to, and I hate eating, even though I have to... I dunno. I'll derp on my laptop for a bit longer before I decided to eat something.
UPDATE: @ 12:45pm
Fruit Salad & Toast: 260cal
UPDATE: @ 3:18pm
Peas & Apple Salad: 200cal
Melba Toast: 140cal
UPDATE: @ 500pm
BK Apple Pie: 340cal
UPDATE: @ 5:54pm
I small bite of Cookie: 40cal
UPDATE: @ 8:20pm
Soup, Peas, & Melba Toast: 240cal
UPDATE: @ 11.:14pm
Toast & Margarine: 250cal
Total: 1470cal
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
119.2
119.2lbs.
I'm still going strong. My clothes seems to fit a little looser. I think when I get my next pay check I'll be getting some new outfits. I'm stoked.
UPDATE: 1:15pm
Mocha Coffee: 175cal
Veggie Sandwich: 350cal
Fruit Salad: 135cal
Melba Toast: 70cal
So far... 730cal
UPDATE: 4:08pm
A bit of white rice: 50cal
200g of green peas: 160cal
2T of cucumber dressing: 40cal
Apple: 100cal
Total: 1080cal
Update: 6:26pm
I've allowed my self to eat a total of 1600cal today. I've been thinking about loosing weight the proper way and having a more sustainable diet so that I can kick my extreme ED thoughts aside. I figured that a more sustainable diet would help me achieve my goal without feeling hungry, which leads to stress and fatigue, which would eventually lead to a binge. I'll be able to reach my goal and maintain my weight in the long run and feel happier with myself. So, here's me plan starting tomorrow....
www.caloriecount.com says that I need to eat...
1200cal a day until March 12, 2011 to reach my goal of 110lbs.
I'll have 1200cal on days that I work, since my job is so active.
And on the days that I don't, I'll have between 1000-1100cal.
I'll be gaining a bit a weight within the first week since my body will need to adjust to caloric change, but I'm ready for it.
I know it sounds like a lot of bullshit, but I don't want my hair to fall out, have a different mood, lose my personality, and eventually have my loved ones pushed away. I love my life, I love myself, and I love my body enough to change it for the better.
I'm still going strong. My clothes seems to fit a little looser. I think when I get my next pay check I'll be getting some new outfits. I'm stoked.
UPDATE: 1:15pm
Mocha Coffee: 175cal
Veggie Sandwich: 350cal
Fruit Salad: 135cal
Melba Toast: 70cal
So far... 730cal
UPDATE: 4:08pm
A bit of white rice: 50cal
200g of green peas: 160cal
2T of cucumber dressing: 40cal
Apple: 100cal
Total: 1080cal
Update: 6:26pm
I've allowed my self to eat a total of 1600cal today. I've been thinking about loosing weight the proper way and having a more sustainable diet so that I can kick my extreme ED thoughts aside. I figured that a more sustainable diet would help me achieve my goal without feeling hungry, which leads to stress and fatigue, which would eventually lead to a binge. I'll be able to reach my goal and maintain my weight in the long run and feel happier with myself. So, here's me plan starting tomorrow....
www.caloriecount.com says that I need to eat...
1200cal a day until March 12, 2011 to reach my goal of 110lbs.
I'll have 1200cal on days that I work, since my job is so active.
And on the days that I don't, I'll have between 1000-1100cal.
I'll be gaining a bit a weight within the first week since my body will need to adjust to caloric change, but I'm ready for it.
I know it sounds like a lot of bullshit, but I don't want my hair to fall out, have a different mood, lose my personality, and eventually have my loved ones pushed away. I love my life, I love myself, and I love my body enough to change it for the better.
Monday, January 16, 2012
119.8
I'm finally back on track.
For breakfast, I'll be having my fruit salad and toast: 260cal.
I'll be working from 9:30 to 5pm. Ugh... today is going to be a long day.
UPDATE: Veggie Sandwich - 350cal
Coffee: 75cal
Melba toast: 70cal
For breakfast, I'll be having my fruit salad and toast: 260cal.
I'll be working from 9:30 to 5pm. Ugh... today is going to be a long day.
UPDATE: Veggie Sandwich - 350cal
Coffee: 75cal
Melba toast: 70cal
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Gotta Focus
I'm sick of winter and the barren amount of produce available. It's the worst season for any kind of change and for any kind of growth/development. I want to taste the fresh vibrancy of fruits, the nutrition of their flesh, the explosive energy from their benefits.
I've went to the grocery store and went on a frozen fruit shopping spree. Even though they were expensive, I need to invest in good quality food so that my body and reap the benefits. I've purchased mangoes, peaches, raspberries, and blueberries. Then I've bought apples and oranges since they were some what in season.
I've made my breakfast for tomorrow and I'm excited to eat it. It's a bowl of the frozen fruits I've bought, and it's thawing in the fridge.
70 grams each of mangoes, raspberries, blueberries, and peaches; all for 135 calories.
With the fruit salad, I'll also be having a slice of toast with vegan margarine; 125 calories.
So my breakfast tomorrow will be.. 260cal.
I'll be working all day so I'll have a coffee with soy and splenda at around 75cal.
And during one of my breaks, I'll be having a sandwich of some sort at about 350cal.
For a snack, some melba toast: 70
After work I'll be having 1 cup of butternut squash soup; 90cal.
100g of frozen sweet peas; 80cal.
Melba toast; 70cal.
Total of... 995cal.
I hope that I can stick to this plan. I'll be working a full 8 hour shift, and stress is what normally causes me to breakdown either emotionally or mentally.
I'm also hoping that my weight will drop below 120lbs tomorrow since I've been good today and had lots of BMs.
I'm still choked that I ate a lot yesterday but again... I did it for my mom. She can't know that I'm on an extreme diet to be extremely underweight, it'll just crush her.
Anyways, I'll post my weight up in the morning like always.
<3
I've went to the grocery store and went on a frozen fruit shopping spree. Even though they were expensive, I need to invest in good quality food so that my body and reap the benefits. I've purchased mangoes, peaches, raspberries, and blueberries. Then I've bought apples and oranges since they were some what in season.
I've made my breakfast for tomorrow and I'm excited to eat it. It's a bowl of the frozen fruits I've bought, and it's thawing in the fridge.
70 grams each of mangoes, raspberries, blueberries, and peaches; all for 135 calories.
With the fruit salad, I'll also be having a slice of toast with vegan margarine; 125 calories.
So my breakfast tomorrow will be.. 260cal.
I'll be working all day so I'll have a coffee with soy and splenda at around 75cal.
And during one of my breaks, I'll be having a sandwich of some sort at about 350cal.
For a snack, some melba toast: 70
After work I'll be having 1 cup of butternut squash soup; 90cal.
100g of frozen sweet peas; 80cal.
Melba toast; 70cal.
Total of... 995cal.
I hope that I can stick to this plan. I'll be working a full 8 hour shift, and stress is what normally causes me to breakdown either emotionally or mentally.
I'm also hoping that my weight will drop below 120lbs tomorrow since I've been good today and had lots of BMs.
I'm still choked that I ate a lot yesterday but again... I did it for my mom. She can't know that I'm on an extreme diet to be extremely underweight, it'll just crush her.
Anyways, I'll post my weight up in the morning like always.
<3
121.0
I'm absolutely disgusted with myself.
Breakfast, oranges, 450g: 250cal.
UPDATE: @ 1pm
Coffee: 75cal
Sandwich: 350cal
UPDATE: @ 4:40pm
Soup: 180cal
1 slice of bread: 80cal
Total: 935cal
Breakfast, oranges, 450g: 250cal.
UPDATE: @ 1pm
Coffee: 75cal
Sandwich: 350cal
UPDATE: @ 4:40pm
Soup: 180cal
1 slice of bread: 80cal
Total: 935cal
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Rumblies In My Tumblies
Well, so much for staying on the "diet". I don't know how many calories I'm over but I did eat a fair bit of food. Nothing ridiculous, but if I have to ball park it, I'd say I ate around... 1300 - 1500cal? It's a fairly large amount compared to what I've been surviving on for the past couple weeks, but it's better than binging then feeling horrible. I can't say that I'm happy about eating this amount of food, but I'm glad I did it to connect and bond with my mom. She's the one and only person I need to hide this whole eating issue from since it would crush her to nothing if she found out.
I'm still going to weigh myself on the scale tomorrow morning, but I now I'm going to be super disappointed with the results. I'm going to expect 122-123 pounds considering how much I ate, how much water I'm retaining, and how much I'm backed up. I took a couple of laxative pills and hopefully those will kick-in in the morning.
Other then that, it's been a fairly good day.
Well, goodnight everyone. It's time for me to brainwash myself with thinspiration, youtube videos, and mantras.
<3
UPDATE: @ 10:55pm
Breakfast tomorrow will be...
Oranges, 450g: 225cal
Coffee w/ Soy & Splenda: 75cal
I'm still going to weigh myself on the scale tomorrow morning, but I now I'm going to be super disappointed with the results. I'm going to expect 122-123 pounds considering how much I ate, how much water I'm retaining, and how much I'm backed up. I took a couple of laxative pills and hopefully those will kick-in in the morning.
Other then that, it's been a fairly good day.
Well, goodnight everyone. It's time for me to brainwash myself with thinspiration, youtube videos, and mantras.
<3
UPDATE: @ 10:55pm
Breakfast tomorrow will be...
Oranges, 450g: 225cal
Coffee w/ Soy & Splenda: 75cal
119.5!!!
I'm finally in the teens in weight! 119.5. I can't remember the last time I saw this number. My hard work and effort is finally paying off. I feel like 2012 is going to be the year that I get a grip on my weight and finally be the person I want to be.
I'm hoping by the end of January I can reach my other goal of 115lbs.
And by the end of February, I'll be 110 pounds. Form there, I'll see if I need to lose any more weight, and continue if need be.
I had no idea my weight would drop this fast. I'm so thrilled! Plus, I don't even exercise that much and the weight seems to be dropping.
I kind of want a tight toned body though, and I've been thinking about going to a gym maybe twice a week to get sculpt my body. My job helps with my activity levels since I'm always on my feet.
Anyways, I'm going to be visiting my mom which I have mixed feelings for. On one hand, it's my mom we're talking about... and I love her with all my heart, and she's the only lady I love. But on the other, she feeds me like crazy, especially when I'm sick, so I'll have to lay down the law and saw that I wont be able to keep anything down. 119.5 pounds is something I have to hold on to and fight for.
For breakfast I'll be having a RFTBB Sandwich @ 320cal.
After that I don't now what I'll be eating next. I'll try by best to eat as little as possible but it wont be easy.
Anyhoo, I'll update more when I get a chance, I'm anxious to see what happens later today.
I'm hoping by the end of January I can reach my other goal of 115lbs.
And by the end of February, I'll be 110 pounds. Form there, I'll see if I need to lose any more weight, and continue if need be.
I had no idea my weight would drop this fast. I'm so thrilled! Plus, I don't even exercise that much and the weight seems to be dropping.
I kind of want a tight toned body though, and I've been thinking about going to a gym maybe twice a week to get sculpt my body. My job helps with my activity levels since I'm always on my feet.
Anyways, I'm going to be visiting my mom which I have mixed feelings for. On one hand, it's my mom we're talking about... and I love her with all my heart, and she's the only lady I love. But on the other, she feeds me like crazy, especially when I'm sick, so I'll have to lay down the law and saw that I wont be able to keep anything down. 119.5 pounds is something I have to hold on to and fight for.
For breakfast I'll be having a RFTBB Sandwich @ 320cal.
After that I don't now what I'll be eating next. I'll try by best to eat as little as possible but it wont be easy.
Anyhoo, I'll update more when I get a chance, I'm anxious to see what happens later today.
Friday, January 13, 2012
120.2
My weight keeps fluctuating around 120-120.5 pounds. I now know that the pounds I lots during the beginning of the new year was just water weight, and the weight I'm losing now is actual fat. To say the least, I'm scared... actually, terrified since this might put a wrench into my hard work and effort.
Oh, and by the way, I'm sicker than yesterday and woke up with a MASSIVE migraine. I'm probably going to have to call in sick for my Sunday's shift. I just wont be able to serve coffees for lattes in my condition. My sinuses have so much pressure in them, my nose is always congested, I seem to always have a headache, and I'm always tired, groggy, grumpy, and just not my usual self.
Today, I plan on visiting my mom since I haven't seen her for a couple of weeks. I just hope she doesn't feed the shit out of me since I don't want to go over my calorie budget, plus home-cooked foods are difficult to calorie-count since I didn't have any control over the prep/cook. I'm thinking I can go to the grocery store and buy a can of chicken soup and have her watch me eat it. I need to think of a good excuse to tell her that I can't eat much even though I'm sick.
I could tell her...
- I'll vomit if I eat too much.
- My migraine is killing my appetite.
- I only want to eat fruit/veggies since they're super healthy for my illness.
- I rather go lay down somewhere and rest than eat.
I need to control my calorie intake since I've gained a bit of weight, not a lot of it, but it's still more than less.
I just don't feel like doing anything today... my head feels like it's going to explode. I feel if someone rubs me the wrong way I'll just burst into tears...
Time to look at some thinspo before my eyes explode from the pressure building up behind them.
I'll update later soon.
UPDATE: @ 11:22am
Spinach Feta Wrap: 280cal
UPDATE: @ 1:55pm
Black Tea w/ Almond Milk & Splenda: 20cal
UPDATE: @ 3:23pm
RFTBB Sandwich: 320cal
UPDATE: @ 6:05pm
2 Cups of Butternut Squash Soup: 180cal
250g of Steamed Broccoli: 85cal
1 Slice of Dry Toast: 80cal
DAILY TOTAL: 965cal
UPDATE: @ 7:00pm
I actually only ate half of my broccoli because I didn't know I would make the amount that I did.
So, I'm going minus 30cal from the total since I think I ate more than half of it.
NEW TOTAL: 935cal.
:D
UPDATE: @ 8:25pm
2 Lemon Honey Halls Cough Drops - 30cal
NEW TOTAL: 965cal.
Oh, and by the way, I'm sicker than yesterday and woke up with a MASSIVE migraine. I'm probably going to have to call in sick for my Sunday's shift. I just wont be able to serve coffees for lattes in my condition. My sinuses have so much pressure in them, my nose is always congested, I seem to always have a headache, and I'm always tired, groggy, grumpy, and just not my usual self.
Today, I plan on visiting my mom since I haven't seen her for a couple of weeks. I just hope she doesn't feed the shit out of me since I don't want to go over my calorie budget, plus home-cooked foods are difficult to calorie-count since I didn't have any control over the prep/cook. I'm thinking I can go to the grocery store and buy a can of chicken soup and have her watch me eat it. I need to think of a good excuse to tell her that I can't eat much even though I'm sick.
I could tell her...
- I'll vomit if I eat too much.
- My migraine is killing my appetite.
- I only want to eat fruit/veggies since they're super healthy for my illness.
- I rather go lay down somewhere and rest than eat.
I need to control my calorie intake since I've gained a bit of weight, not a lot of it, but it's still more than less.
I just don't feel like doing anything today... my head feels like it's going to explode. I feel if someone rubs me the wrong way I'll just burst into tears...
Time to look at some thinspo before my eyes explode from the pressure building up behind them.
I'll update later soon.
UPDATE: @ 11:22am
Spinach Feta Wrap: 280cal
UPDATE: @ 1:55pm
Black Tea w/ Almond Milk & Splenda: 20cal
UPDATE: @ 3:23pm
RFTBB Sandwich: 320cal
UPDATE: @ 6:05pm
2 Cups of Butternut Squash Soup: 180cal
250g of Steamed Broccoli: 85cal
1 Slice of Dry Toast: 80cal
DAILY TOTAL: 965cal
UPDATE: @ 7:00pm
I actually only ate half of my broccoli because I didn't know I would make the amount that I did.
So, I'm going minus 30cal from the total since I think I ate more than half of it.
NEW TOTAL: 935cal.
:D
UPDATE: @ 8:25pm
2 Lemon Honey Halls Cough Drops - 30cal
NEW TOTAL: 965cal.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
120.0lbs
Well, this weight came sooner than expected if you look at it from the beginning of the year. I was probably a bit over 125 pounds and now that it's 12 days into the year I've lost a bit more than 5 pounds... I don't know if that's healthy, but I did occasionally go over my caloric intake by either 200-300cal.
It feels odd to be this weight because I'm thinking about times in the past where I was 120lbs.
Before my eating issues, I thought that 120 pounds was normal and that I didn't think I needed to lose any weight... until grade 10, I was constantly comparing myself with other girls in my grade. They were tall, blonde, skinny, pretty, and popular... they ruled the school and I wanted to be just like them.
After my eating issues, 120 pounds was a brief visit since I ate myself fat for recovery. I didn't see it at all since I binged without thinking. Eating to me was pleasure and torture at the same time, I didn't care would happen to me because I was also severely depressed.
Now that I am this weight again it feels odd, but good; I feel as if I'm headed towards the right direction... a declining weight.
I feel like I have a grip (not a very strong one) on my eating habits. I just need to tell myself that I'm worth the pain and effort because I deserve to be happy, and I deserve to have the control, and I deserve to make my body into the body that I've always wanted. I deserve to be everything that I've always dreamed of
I need to motivate myself with more thinspiration and knowledge. I need to get my nutrition with supplements now, and I need to start looking into low impact exercises so that I can maintain my true body without any health complications.
Today... I don't know what I'll be having since I'll just be bumming around home. Since I'm sick I should be eating more calories but I'm going to take the risk and starve my body into being better. I'll still have my usual 900-1000cal target, but it'll have to be planned out a little better.
Anyway, I'll be updating every time I eat something throughout the day.
Till next time...
UPDATE: @ 11.54am
Spinach Feta Wrap: 280cal
1 Flower Kiss Japanese Hard Candy: 25cal
Total: 305
UPDATE: @ 2:38pm
85g Spinach - 20cal
100g Cucumber - 15cal
2 Tbsp Raspberry Dressing - 60g
Salad Total: 95cal
UPDATE: @ 4:30pm
Oatmeal: 240cal
UPDATE: @ 10:39pm
RFTBB Sandwich: 320cal
Apple, 181g: 95cal
TOTAL: 1055cal
It feels odd to be this weight because I'm thinking about times in the past where I was 120lbs.
Before my eating issues, I thought that 120 pounds was normal and that I didn't think I needed to lose any weight... until grade 10, I was constantly comparing myself with other girls in my grade. They were tall, blonde, skinny, pretty, and popular... they ruled the school and I wanted to be just like them.
After my eating issues, 120 pounds was a brief visit since I ate myself fat for recovery. I didn't see it at all since I binged without thinking. Eating to me was pleasure and torture at the same time, I didn't care would happen to me because I was also severely depressed.
Now that I am this weight again it feels odd, but good; I feel as if I'm headed towards the right direction... a declining weight.
I feel like I have a grip (not a very strong one) on my eating habits. I just need to tell myself that I'm worth the pain and effort because I deserve to be happy, and I deserve to have the control, and I deserve to make my body into the body that I've always wanted. I deserve to be everything that I've always dreamed of
I need to motivate myself with more thinspiration and knowledge. I need to get my nutrition with supplements now, and I need to start looking into low impact exercises so that I can maintain my true body without any health complications.
Today... I don't know what I'll be having since I'll just be bumming around home. Since I'm sick I should be eating more calories but I'm going to take the risk and starve my body into being better. I'll still have my usual 900-1000cal target, but it'll have to be planned out a little better.
Anyway, I'll be updating every time I eat something throughout the day.
Till next time...
UPDATE: @ 11.54am
Spinach Feta Wrap: 280cal
1 Flower Kiss Japanese Hard Candy: 25cal
Total: 305
UPDATE: @ 2:38pm
85g Spinach - 20cal
100g Cucumber - 15cal
2 Tbsp Raspberry Dressing - 60g
Salad Total: 95cal
UPDATE: @ 4:30pm
Oatmeal: 240cal
UPDATE: @ 10:39pm
RFTBB Sandwich: 320cal
Apple, 181g: 95cal
TOTAL: 1055cal
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Three Days Off... Still Sick.
It's official, I'm sick and it sucks.
I started to feel sick yesterday but it didn't really hit me until I had to go to work. I could've called in sick yesterday, but I wasn't sure if they would find someone to cover my shift in time. I figured that I needed the money, so I just worked instead.
I have the next three days off and I have no clue what I'll be doing. Since I didn't visit my mom last week, I'll for sure visit her this week. Lol, the excuse I used last week was being sick, and lookie-what-we-have-here, I'm actually sick now. Thanks karma, you're a fantastic bitch.
I hope I lose lots of weight though... I'm still sticking to my plan. I've consumed about 950cal.
Tomorrow... I don't know. I found out last week that it's hard to keep my intake below 1000cal since I'm not busy and I tend to think about food, plus a lot of people keep pushing me to eat when I fucking don't want to. What is it with people and shoving things down my neck? Hello, you have no idea if I'm hungry or not so stop pushing food into my face, please and thank you.
I'll probably do some chores, get some medicine, pay some bills, do some errands, tomorrow. I don't know, I've been focused on work and dieting lately that I forgot to plan what to do in the three following days.
Anyone have some suggestions?
I know that I'll use a full day for my mom, but other then that I have no clue what to do. I don't feel like going out anywhere unless it's with RM. I'm not in the mood to hang out with friends... I just don't care about it, and I don't need to.
Ugh...
I'm just gonna derp and hang around at home. I'll TTYL Sorry for the boring post. I'm just rambling along.
I started to feel sick yesterday but it didn't really hit me until I had to go to work. I could've called in sick yesterday, but I wasn't sure if they would find someone to cover my shift in time. I figured that I needed the money, so I just worked instead.
I have the next three days off and I have no clue what I'll be doing. Since I didn't visit my mom last week, I'll for sure visit her this week. Lol, the excuse I used last week was being sick, and lookie-what-we-have-here, I'm actually sick now. Thanks karma, you're a fantastic bitch.
I hope I lose lots of weight though... I'm still sticking to my plan. I've consumed about 950cal.
Tomorrow... I don't know. I found out last week that it's hard to keep my intake below 1000cal since I'm not busy and I tend to think about food, plus a lot of people keep pushing me to eat when I fucking don't want to. What is it with people and shoving things down my neck? Hello, you have no idea if I'm hungry or not so stop pushing food into my face, please and thank you.
I'll probably do some chores, get some medicine, pay some bills, do some errands, tomorrow. I don't know, I've been focused on work and dieting lately that I forgot to plan what to do in the three following days.
Anyone have some suggestions?
I know that I'll use a full day for my mom, but other then that I have no clue what to do. I don't feel like going out anywhere unless it's with RM. I'm not in the mood to hang out with friends... I just don't care about it, and I don't need to.
Ugh...
I'm just gonna derp and hang around at home. I'll TTYL Sorry for the boring post. I'm just rambling along.
120.5 & Sick
I think from now on, I'll log my weight on the blog post's title, that way I can archive my progress a bit easier.
So yes, I've gained 0.3 pounds since yesterday. I'm hoping it's because I'm retaining water from my chicken broth dinner last night and my digestive tracks is being a slow idiot.
Why the chicken broth dinner? Well, turns out that I'm getting sick. And I should be overjoyed by this because we all know that sick people lose weight, but I'm not happy at all. I hate feeling the slightest bit weak, both physically and mentally. It'll soon hurt to move and I would just want to be lazy all day, and my willpower will start to waiver towards the bad side. I don't want my efforts to be for nothing. Ever since I've started this whole strict new eating habit I'm discovering new things about myself that I wouldn't have really noticed before the new regime. I love making rules and following them, I love the feeling of control I have over my body, I love seeing my efforts of the scale whether the numbers are good or bad, and I can put myself in a really good mindset which prevents me from binging and messing up.
Even though I gained a bit of weight, I'm not disappointed at all. Looking at the start weight and now... I didn't think I was going to be here so quick. Even though it's only a 5 pounds weight loss, it's 5 pounds I lost to this day and not in the future somewhere where I'm grossly overweight.
If I weren't so fucked in the head, I would stop now and try to maintain this weight, but because I have a history will eating/body image issues I'll keep going until I'm satisfied with the results.
My goal weight keeps jumping around. On one hand I want to have a healthy weight of 115lbs... but the ED side of me wants a weight of 95lbs. Then I thinking that I should have 105lbs as my UGW only because it's in the middle of what I want and when I'm at that weight I can fit into a size zero pair of pants... I don't know though. Every time I think about this I always get confused and frustrated...
Anyways, enough about this...
I'm going to plan out what to eat for today.
Breakfast, Cereal & Milk: 250cal
1st Break, Coffee w/ Soy Milk & Splenda: 100cal, + Spinach Feta Wrap: 280cal - 380cal
2nd Break, RFTBB Sandwich: 320cal
Nothing after work...
Total: 950cal
I hope this goes as planned... I probably wont have much of an appetite since I'm sick, but we'll see how this goes.
I'll update soon.
So yes, I've gained 0.3 pounds since yesterday. I'm hoping it's because I'm retaining water from my chicken broth dinner last night and my digestive tracks is being a slow idiot.
Why the chicken broth dinner? Well, turns out that I'm getting sick. And I should be overjoyed by this because we all know that sick people lose weight, but I'm not happy at all. I hate feeling the slightest bit weak, both physically and mentally. It'll soon hurt to move and I would just want to be lazy all day, and my willpower will start to waiver towards the bad side. I don't want my efforts to be for nothing. Ever since I've started this whole strict new eating habit I'm discovering new things about myself that I wouldn't have really noticed before the new regime. I love making rules and following them, I love the feeling of control I have over my body, I love seeing my efforts of the scale whether the numbers are good or bad, and I can put myself in a really good mindset which prevents me from binging and messing up.
Even though I gained a bit of weight, I'm not disappointed at all. Looking at the start weight and now... I didn't think I was going to be here so quick. Even though it's only a 5 pounds weight loss, it's 5 pounds I lost to this day and not in the future somewhere where I'm grossly overweight.
If I weren't so fucked in the head, I would stop now and try to maintain this weight, but because I have a history will eating/body image issues I'll keep going until I'm satisfied with the results.
My goal weight keeps jumping around. On one hand I want to have a healthy weight of 115lbs... but the ED side of me wants a weight of 95lbs. Then I thinking that I should have 105lbs as my UGW only because it's in the middle of what I want and when I'm at that weight I can fit into a size zero pair of pants... I don't know though. Every time I think about this I always get confused and frustrated...
Anyways, enough about this...
I'm going to plan out what to eat for today.
Breakfast, Cereal & Milk: 250cal
1st Break, Coffee w/ Soy Milk & Splenda: 100cal, + Spinach Feta Wrap: 280cal - 380cal
2nd Break, RFTBB Sandwich: 320cal
Nothing after work...
Total: 950cal
I hope this goes as planned... I probably wont have much of an appetite since I'm sick, but we'll see how this goes.
I'll update soon.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
120.2lbs. WTF??
What the hell is going on? Yesterday I was 122.3 and now I'm 120.2lbs???
I'm super fucking pleased with my weigh in, obviously, but I hate how my weight fluctuates so easily.
120.2lbs...
The last time I was this weight was a couple of years ago when I was binging and super depressed and my weight was going up, not down.
I don't think RM has ever seen me with this weight. I'm nervous for the day that he notices, that my body is getting smaller. He's already noticed my eating habits, but he just thinks I'm doing it for health reasons.
Wow...
5 pounds within 10 days. I'm so proud of myself.
But I'm not going to cross off my goal weight board just yet. I have to be bat least below 120lbs to do that first. I need to prove to myself that I can be below 120lbs.
Today,I'll be having cereal for breakfast. 250cal.
I'll be going to work as well, so I'll have coffee, 100cal.
Probably a ham sammie, 370cal.
Toast w/ Vegan Margarine: 250cal
Anyways, looks like 2012 is going to be a great year.
I'll update soon.
UPDATE! : 11:02pm
Cereal for Breakfast. 250cal.
Coffee, 100cal.
Ham Sandwich: 370cal.
Toast w/ Vegan Margarine: 250cal
1 Hawaiian Chocolate Candy: 65cal
Total: 1035cal
I'm super fucking pleased with my weigh in, obviously, but I hate how my weight fluctuates so easily.
120.2lbs...
The last time I was this weight was a couple of years ago when I was binging and super depressed and my weight was going up, not down.
I don't think RM has ever seen me with this weight. I'm nervous for the day that he notices, that my body is getting smaller. He's already noticed my eating habits, but he just thinks I'm doing it for health reasons.
Wow...
5 pounds within 10 days. I'm so proud of myself.
But I'm not going to cross off my goal weight board just yet. I have to be bat least below 120lbs to do that first. I need to prove to myself that I can be below 120lbs.
Today,I'll be having cereal for breakfast. 250cal.
I'll be going to work as well, so I'll have coffee, 100cal.
Probably a ham sammie, 370cal.
Toast w/ Vegan Margarine: 250cal
Anyways, looks like 2012 is going to be a great year.
I'll update soon.
UPDATE! : 11:02pm
Cereal for Breakfast. 250cal.
Coffee, 100cal.
Ham Sandwich: 370cal.
Toast w/ Vegan Margarine: 250cal
1 Hawaiian Chocolate Candy: 65cal
Total: 1035cal
Monday, January 9, 2012
WTF? 122.6lbs.
I ate around 1000cal yesterday and yet I'm still gaining? WTF? And yesterday was a strenuous day of work too. I'm getting pretty discouraged with the results I'm seeing. I just want to get a pair of scissor and snip the fat off and bleed the weight away.
This weight gain could've been from being 'backed-up', but I've been eating and drinking things that promote bowel movements. I'm hoping I'll go to the bathroom and have something happen to me that'll make me realize that the weight I'm currently in is just a formality.
Oh yeah, the blog looks like shit. I've been planning on changing the layout for a while now. It's going to be disorganized for now but bare with me.
Today I've had...
Cereal w/ Almond Milk: 250cal
Large Coffee w/ Soy Milk & Splenda: 100cal
Ham Breakfast Sandwich from Starbucks: 370cal
Rockstar Recovery Energy Drink, Orange Flavour: 20cal
Total: 740cal
I still have.. 210- 260cal
I have no idea what I'm going to have. Judging by the fridge, it's either going to be boiled broccoli, or a salad of some kind.
Well, I'll update soon to log my food.
Peace.
UPDATE: @ 7:30pm
I've made myself a whole bunch of boiled veggies in low sodium chicken stock.
85g of Spinach - 20cal
150g of Zucchini - 25cal
150g of Broccoli - 55cal
2 cups of Chicken Stock: 30cal
Total: 130cal
Yogurt: 105cal
740 + 130 +105 = 975cal
This weight gain could've been from being 'backed-up', but I've been eating and drinking things that promote bowel movements. I'm hoping I'll go to the bathroom and have something happen to me that'll make me realize that the weight I'm currently in is just a formality.
Oh yeah, the blog looks like shit. I've been planning on changing the layout for a while now. It's going to be disorganized for now but bare with me.
Today I've had...
Cereal w/ Almond Milk: 250cal
Large Coffee w/ Soy Milk & Splenda: 100cal
Ham Breakfast Sandwich from Starbucks: 370cal
Rockstar Recovery Energy Drink, Orange Flavour: 20cal
Total: 740cal
I still have.. 210- 260cal
I have no idea what I'm going to have. Judging by the fridge, it's either going to be boiled broccoli, or a salad of some kind.
Well, I'll update soon to log my food.
Peace.
UPDATE: @ 7:30pm
I've made myself a whole bunch of boiled veggies in low sodium chicken stock.
85g of Spinach - 20cal
150g of Zucchini - 25cal
150g of Broccoli - 55cal
2 cups of Chicken Stock: 30cal
Total: 130cal
Yogurt: 105cal
740 + 130 +105 = 975cal
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Sunday Sunday
Milk & Cereal: 250cal
Apple: 100cal
Coffee: 50cal
Total: 400cal
2T Raspberry Vin.: 60cal
150g of Zucchini: 25cal
150g of Cucumbr: 25cal
1 slice of Bread: 80cal
Total: 190cal
Canned Tuna: 110cal
1T Lite Mayo: 40cal
2 slices of Bread: 120cal
Total: 270cal
Vanilla Nut Tea w/ Splenda & Almond Milk: 30cal
Cookie: 150cal
400cal + 190 + 270 + 150cal= 1040cal
Apple: 100cal
Coffee: 50cal
Total: 400cal
2T Raspberry Vin.: 60cal
150g of Zucchini: 25cal
150g of Cucumbr: 25cal
1 slice of Bread: 80cal
Total: 190cal
Canned Tuna: 110cal
1T Lite Mayo: 40cal
2 slices of Bread: 120cal
Total: 270cal
Vanilla Nut Tea w/ Splenda & Almond Milk: 30cal
Cookie: 150cal
400cal + 190 + 270 + 150cal= 1040cal
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Tomorrow's Meal Plan
Tomorrow's Calorie Budget: 900cal - 1000cal
Milk & Cereal: 250cal
- 58g of Chocolate Cheerios: 220cal
- 1 cup of Almond Fresh (Milk): 30cal
2 Apples: 200cal
1 Large Coffee w/ Soy & Splenda: 100cal
Salad ???
Toast ???
Cannded Tuna ???
Milk & Cereal: 250cal
- 58g of Chocolate Cheerios: 220cal
- 1 cup of Almond Fresh (Milk): 30cal
2 Apples: 200cal
1 Large Coffee w/ Soy & Splenda: 100cal
Salad ???
Toast ???
Cannded Tuna ???
Hungover
121.6lbs. I'm too fucking hungover to type a decent post so I'm going to keep this short.
Last night was absolutely heinous. I went clubbing last night and had far too many drinks and joints. Ended up staying to the very end and took a cab home. I was so hungry RM and I had cereal as a midnight snack. He begged me to eat with him so I did. We slept at 4am, and I just woke up now. I"m bushed...
I'm supposed to visit my mom today, but I don't have the energy to be anywhere but home.
I'll have to call her and tell her why I wont be making the trek.
UPDATE:
250cal... Cereal & Almond Milk, and an apple. @ 1:38pm
UPDATE:
350cal... Bacon & Egg Sandwich. @ 4:50pm
UPDATE:
350cal... Same as above. @ 8:18pm.
350cal... Veggies & Cheese @ 9:30pm
DAILY TOTAL: 1300cal..
Last night was absolutely heinous. I went clubbing last night and had far too many drinks and joints. Ended up staying to the very end and took a cab home. I was so hungry RM and I had cereal as a midnight snack. He begged me to eat with him so I did. We slept at 4am, and I just woke up now. I"m bushed...
I'm supposed to visit my mom today, but I don't have the energy to be anywhere but home.
I'll have to call her and tell her why I wont be making the trek.
UPDATE:
250cal... Cereal & Almond Milk, and an apple. @ 1:38pm
UPDATE:
350cal... Bacon & Egg Sandwich. @ 4:50pm
UPDATE:
350cal... Same as above. @ 8:18pm.
350cal... Veggies & Cheese @ 9:30pm
DAILY TOTAL: 1300cal..
Friday, January 6, 2012
123.6lbs.
Wow,I've gained 2 pounds within one day.
I'm hoping that it's water weight since I did eat a lot of foods that were salty, and that I haven't gone to the bathroom yet to get rid of it all.
I'm scared...
RM was bothering me so much with food. He wouldn't drop the subject, he wouldn't stop shoving it in my face, and he even told me that he hopes that I'm not turning anorexic. He doesn't know that I've had anorexia in the past, but he does know that I've had some eating issues. And because he kept badgering me about eating, I had to eat in front of him.
He gave me half a shortbread caramel cookie, 5 pieces of sushi, and an apple... I felt so horribly guilty that I just wanted to die. I consumed 500cal more on top of my over shot calorie budget...
1270cal + 500cal = 1770ca.
To say the least, I fucked up yesterday, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna fuck it up again today.
I had...
- Chocolate Cheerios with Almond Milk: 140cal
- Jasmine Green Tea: 0cal
Ugh... I feel sick so hopefully eating wont be on my mind. I'll be drinking lots of tea, though.
Tonight RM and I are supposed to go to a Club tonight to help promote our DJ friend. He asked me to remind him not to drink, and since drinks are calories I wont be drinking either.
I'm going to try and stick to the 900cal-1000cal eating regime when I'm at work, but I'm not so sure if it's a good idea during my days off. I'm either forced to eat more since people apparently want to see me eat or eat with them. Weird. Why does every little life event have to revolve around food? Why can we all just do an non-eating activity together and go our separate ways when it's meal time?
Since I've went grocery shopping last night, I actually have decent stuff to eat. I'll be making myself a low calorie salad with raspberry vinaigrette.
85g of Spinach: 20cal
100g of Cucumber: 15cal
2T of Raspberry Vinaigrette: 60cal.
100g Zucchini: 15cal
A dash of Black Pepper: 0cal
Total: 110cal
Sigh, well, I guess I'll do some chores and get ready for tonight.
Wish me luck ladies.
I'm gonna fucking need it.
UPDATE:
Tuna on Toast: 260cal
Apple - 100cal
Total: 610
UPDATE#2:
I'm gonna head out and have two beers. 300cal.
DAILY TOTAL: 910cal.
I'm hoping that it's water weight since I did eat a lot of foods that were salty, and that I haven't gone to the bathroom yet to get rid of it all.
I'm scared...
RM was bothering me so much with food. He wouldn't drop the subject, he wouldn't stop shoving it in my face, and he even told me that he hopes that I'm not turning anorexic. He doesn't know that I've had anorexia in the past, but he does know that I've had some eating issues. And because he kept badgering me about eating, I had to eat in front of him.
He gave me half a shortbread caramel cookie, 5 pieces of sushi, and an apple... I felt so horribly guilty that I just wanted to die. I consumed 500cal more on top of my over shot calorie budget...
1270cal + 500cal = 1770ca.
To say the least, I fucked up yesterday, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna fuck it up again today.
I had...
- Chocolate Cheerios with Almond Milk: 140cal
- Jasmine Green Tea: 0cal
Ugh... I feel sick so hopefully eating wont be on my mind. I'll be drinking lots of tea, though.
Tonight RM and I are supposed to go to a Club tonight to help promote our DJ friend. He asked me to remind him not to drink, and since drinks are calories I wont be drinking either.
I'm going to try and stick to the 900cal-1000cal eating regime when I'm at work, but I'm not so sure if it's a good idea during my days off. I'm either forced to eat more since people apparently want to see me eat or eat with them. Weird. Why does every little life event have to revolve around food? Why can we all just do an non-eating activity together and go our separate ways when it's meal time?
Since I've went grocery shopping last night, I actually have decent stuff to eat. I'll be making myself a low calorie salad with raspberry vinaigrette.
85g of Spinach: 20cal
100g of Cucumber: 15cal
2T of Raspberry Vinaigrette: 60cal.
100g Zucchini: 15cal
A dash of Black Pepper: 0cal
Total: 110cal
Sigh, well, I guess I'll do some chores and get ready for tonight.
Wish me luck ladies.
I'm gonna fucking need it.
UPDATE:
Tuna on Toast: 260cal
Apple - 100cal
Total: 610
UPDATE#2:
I'm gonna head out and have two beers. 300cal.
DAILY TOTAL: 910cal.
Ugh.. Diet Fail
I went over my calorie budget today. Looks like I wasn't strong enough to resist the HUGE TOWER OF ONION RINGS that stood in the middle of the table. Thank fully, I only had 4 HUGE FUCKING ONION RINGS. UGH!
I'm super fucking disappointed with myself... but I'll just carry on with my original plan and remain calm.
1 Spinach Feta Wrap: 280cal
2 Toasts w/ Vegan Margarine: 250cal
1/2 Veggie Juice: 80cal
Veggie Lettuce Bun Burger, w/ Undressed Salad: 210cal
Onion Rings of DEATH: 450cal
Total....GASP!!
1270cal
RAGE!
Fuck, man. If I didn't have those onion rings, I would've been under... but what's done is done. I can't dwell on it any longer.
On the bright side, if I were a normal person trying to lose weight the healthy way, 1270cal is ideal.
I feel... bloated. My stomach is all bubbly trying to digest the grease and fat. Ugh... I'm gonna be gassy too (sorry TMI).
Aside from the eating, spending time with my high school gal pals was fun. Even though it was a very brief dinner and shop I wouldn't have traded for the world.
We ended up talking about this one girl we knew from high school who suddenly had and anorexia, recovered, and is now vegan, 'happy', and 'normal'. They bashed on her a lot... and I didn't like it. They were ignorant about what she must've gone through. I, of course, defended her in the most subtle way that I could, and that's when I realized it, my friends wont understand my problems if I ever opened up to them. I can't trust them. They'll just judge me.
I'm super fucking disappointed with myself... but I'll just carry on with my original plan and remain calm.
1 Spinach Feta Wrap: 280cal
2 Toasts w/ Vegan Margarine: 250cal
1/2 Veggie Juice: 80cal
Veggie Lettuce Bun Burger, w/ Undressed Salad: 210cal
Onion Rings of DEATH: 450cal
Total....GASP!!
1270cal
RAGE!
Fuck, man. If I didn't have those onion rings, I would've been under... but what's done is done. I can't dwell on it any longer.
On the bright side, if I were a normal person trying to lose weight the healthy way, 1270cal is ideal.
I feel... bloated. My stomach is all bubbly trying to digest the grease and fat. Ugh... I'm gonna be gassy too (sorry TMI).
Aside from the eating, spending time with my high school gal pals was fun. Even though it was a very brief dinner and shop I wouldn't have traded for the world.
We ended up talking about this one girl we knew from high school who suddenly had and anorexia, recovered, and is now vegan, 'happy', and 'normal'. They bashed on her a lot... and I didn't like it. They were ignorant about what she must've gone through. I, of course, defended her in the most subtle way that I could, and that's when I realized it, my friends wont understand my problems if I ever opened up to them. I can't trust them. They'll just judge me.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
RM & I like Burger King. RM is the only one who eats it...
I'm definitely thinking about eating since my mind isn't preoccupied with work. So in a way, controlling my eating when I'm at home is much harder than on the days that I work. It makes sense.
I found out the other day that I love rules, I love following rules, and I love making rules, restrictive ones at that.
It's like having a certain boundary that I'm allowed to frolic in, and this space that is encompassed by my rules is wonderful, perfect, and thin. The outside... not so much.
RM woke up 3 hours after I did. He's still sick... poor guy. And since today is Thursday, RM wanted his usual Double Stacker meal with fries, a diet coke, and an extra burger on the side. He's basically consuming 1410cal in one meal (thank you BK website). He asked me if I could eat BK with him since he's like eating food with me, but I had to decline and be a party pooper. I told him that I was committed to eating healthier. He gave me a rather small funny look, but dropped the subject right away.
I used to just have the burger without stacker sauce and fries, which comes to 830cal, back in my 'recovered' phase. Now that I'm on this whole restrictive eating regime, I can only have one burger; The Veggie Burger with no mayo which comes to 320cal. Of course I wont be having fries any more, there's no more room for that at all.
So next time RM asks me to eat BK with him, I'll get that burger and eat it as slow as I can; maybe leave some of the bun behind.
So far, I've had my toast with margarine @ 250cal.
1 Spinach Feta Wrap @ 280cal
Coke Zero - 0cal
I have eaten 530cal so far.
And 275cal will be going away to my dinner with the girls at Red Robin's. That leaves about... 145cal to spare.
I'll probably have an apple after dinner when I'm home again with RM.
I just hope that I'll be mentality okay to handle all of this...
Anyways, I've gotta go shopping. I'll blog again soon. |
I found out the other day that I love rules, I love following rules, and I love making rules, restrictive ones at that.
It's like having a certain boundary that I'm allowed to frolic in, and this space that is encompassed by my rules is wonderful, perfect, and thin. The outside... not so much.
RM woke up 3 hours after I did. He's still sick... poor guy. And since today is Thursday, RM wanted his usual Double Stacker meal with fries, a diet coke, and an extra burger on the side. He's basically consuming 1410cal in one meal (thank you BK website). He asked me if I could eat BK with him since he's like eating food with me, but I had to decline and be a party pooper. I told him that I was committed to eating healthier. He gave me a rather small funny look, but dropped the subject right away.
I used to just have the burger without stacker sauce and fries, which comes to 830cal, back in my 'recovered' phase. Now that I'm on this whole restrictive eating regime, I can only have one burger; The Veggie Burger with no mayo which comes to 320cal. Of course I wont be having fries any more, there's no more room for that at all.
So next time RM asks me to eat BK with him, I'll get that burger and eat it as slow as I can; maybe leave some of the bun behind.
So far, I've had my toast with margarine @ 250cal.
1 Spinach Feta Wrap @ 280cal
Coke Zero - 0cal
I have eaten 530cal so far.
And 275cal will be going away to my dinner with the girls at Red Robin's. That leaves about... 145cal to spare.
I'll probably have an apple after dinner when I'm home again with RM.
I just hope that I'll be mentality okay to handle all of this...
Anyways, I've gotta go shopping. I'll blog again soon. |
121.7!
Ugh... too tired...
I weighed myself again this morning. 121.7.
I'm so proud of all my efforts.
Today is my day off and I have a lot to do.
Firstly, I've got to do some chores.
Laundry.
Dishes.
Organize & straighten things out.
Then I have to go grocery shopping.
Then I have to go to the mall and shop for some motivational clothes.
After that, I'll be having dinner with my high school friends at Red Robin's.
Then I'll be going home and chilling, planning for tomorrow.
I guess I'll be having oatmeal since I said last night that it'll be my breakfast before I go grocery shopping.
I don't know if today will be easier than yesterday since I have more 'life freedom' since it's my day off. I don't know, we'll see I guess.
Anyways, I'm too groggy to post anything elaborate.
I'll post more after my day is done.
EDIT:
I had my toast with margarine @ 250cal.
At the mall: Pineapple Powerzone Smoothie at Jugo Juice @ 250cal.
Red Robin's: A Vegan Boca burger, Lettuce Bun-ed, w/ Side House Salad with no cheese, crutons, dressing @ 275cal.
950cal - 250 - 250 - 275 = 175cal left to consume.
I'll either get groceries on the way back home, but it all depends on how much money I'll spend during my shopping spree.
I weighed myself again this morning. 121.7.
I'm so proud of all my efforts.
Today is my day off and I have a lot to do.
Firstly, I've got to do some chores.
Laundry.
Dishes.
Organize & straighten things out.
Then I have to go grocery shopping.
Then I have to go to the mall and shop for some motivational clothes.
After that, I'll be having dinner with my high school friends at Red Robin's.
Then I'll be going home and chilling, planning for tomorrow.
I guess I'll be having oatmeal since I said last night that it'll be my breakfast before I go grocery shopping.
I don't know if today will be easier than yesterday since I have more 'life freedom' since it's my day off. I don't know, we'll see I guess.
Anyways, I'm too groggy to post anything elaborate.
I'll post more after my day is done.
EDIT:
I had my toast with margarine @ 250cal.
At the mall: Pineapple Powerzone Smoothie at Jugo Juice @ 250cal.
Red Robin's: A Vegan Boca burger, Lettuce Bun-ed, w/ Side House Salad with no cheese, crutons, dressing @ 275cal.
950cal - 250 - 250 - 275 = 175cal left to consume.
I'll either get groceries on the way back home, but it all depends on how much money I'll spend during my shopping spree.
Pooped
Now that I'm not eating as many calories as I did before, I can confidently say that I'm feeling the effects of my restrictive eating regime.
My body felt heavier with the amount of effort I had to put out while getting out of bed. It took a lot of effort to mentally prepare myself for what the day had ahead of me.
I was thinking about weighing myself, blogging, putting on my make-up, brushing/straightening/styling my hair, getting dressed, smoking, possibly eating something, then going to work, being at work, looking forward to all my breaks while I work, getting home, and then finally relaxing. It wouldn't be till the end of the evening until I could relax and think about my free time.
Work went all right. It wasn't very different from yesterday. I guess you could say that it was easier then my last shift. But even though it was easier, it definitely wasn't easy to work through all of it. Again, with the restrictiveness of it all, my energy levels weren't where they used to be. I had my mind of food the entire time, and I was really looking forward to eating anything when I wasn't.
Since I skipped breakfast this morning and had a super low calorie coffee, I felt jittery and tired at the same time like a strange and unfamiliar high neither great nor bad.
By the time it was my second break, I was two hours into my shift. I was looking forward to having a cigarette, eating the small morsel of food I'm allowing myself, emptying out my system, and relaxing for a small half-hour time-frame which feels like minutes no matter how much I try to savour it.
Then I had to go back to work.
I waited patiently for my second break and thanked the Gods of Time when it was time for me to go.
Again, I savoured my break, headed back to work, closed the store for the night, and headed back home again.
And just when I think I can relax to my heart's content, I see SC (RM's long-time buddy) hanging out in the living room, greeting me with the friendliest 'heeeeeeey!. To my surprise I didn't feel like having him over was annoying at all. In fact, I was really glad to see him here.
When he comes over, SC and I sit on the couch together and just share thoughts of our day, our drawings, and things that are awesome on our Android phones.
He's starting to be like a big brother to me, but we're still on the new-friend basis and things are still a bit awkward between us.
So he stayed over for a while and invited another friend over who seems to be super tight with him.
We smoked a jay, talked, and derped. It wasn't until 1:30AM-ish when SC and his friend decided to bounce.
I'm proud of what I did today, eating-wise.
- Coffee with Soy Milk and Splenda: 100cal.
- Toast with Vegan Margarine: 250cal
- RFTBB Sanwich: 320cal
- Spinach & Feta Dinner Wrap: 280cal
Total: 950cal
Actually, I'm super proud of what I've done today.
This new eating regime is easy enough for me to continue, but challenging enough to make me to struggle to the end of the day.
I have no idea what I'll eat for breakfast and lunch tomorrow. Dinner, I'm confident about since I'll be hanging out with some old high-school friends at Red Robin's. Thank god Red Robin's has a section of their website dedicated to nutrition and calories. I've planned out my meal to be around 250cal.
I'll definitely eat something in the morning before I go grocery shopping. I know that I'll end up on a crazed binge if I don't, so eating something will be a precautionary step.
I'll have a low calorie bowl of oatmeal for breakfast at about 240cal.
240 + 250 = 490cal
950cal - 490cal = 460cal
Lunch and a snack will have to be around 460cal.
I'll have an apple and some veggies.
I dunno, I haven't decided yet.
Anyways, it's time to hit the bed.
I'll post more in the morning.
Goodnight. <3
My body felt heavier with the amount of effort I had to put out while getting out of bed. It took a lot of effort to mentally prepare myself for what the day had ahead of me.
I was thinking about weighing myself, blogging, putting on my make-up, brushing/straightening/styling my hair, getting dressed, smoking, possibly eating something, then going to work, being at work, looking forward to all my breaks while I work, getting home, and then finally relaxing. It wouldn't be till the end of the evening until I could relax and think about my free time.
Work went all right. It wasn't very different from yesterday. I guess you could say that it was easier then my last shift. But even though it was easier, it definitely wasn't easy to work through all of it. Again, with the restrictiveness of it all, my energy levels weren't where they used to be. I had my mind of food the entire time, and I was really looking forward to eating anything when I wasn't.
Since I skipped breakfast this morning and had a super low calorie coffee, I felt jittery and tired at the same time like a strange and unfamiliar high neither great nor bad.
By the time it was my second break, I was two hours into my shift. I was looking forward to having a cigarette, eating the small morsel of food I'm allowing myself, emptying out my system, and relaxing for a small half-hour time-frame which feels like minutes no matter how much I try to savour it.
Then I had to go back to work.
I waited patiently for my second break and thanked the Gods of Time when it was time for me to go.
Again, I savoured my break, headed back to work, closed the store for the night, and headed back home again.
And just when I think I can relax to my heart's content, I see SC (RM's long-time buddy) hanging out in the living room, greeting me with the friendliest 'heeeeeeey!. To my surprise I didn't feel like having him over was annoying at all. In fact, I was really glad to see him here.
When he comes over, SC and I sit on the couch together and just share thoughts of our day, our drawings, and things that are awesome on our Android phones.
He's starting to be like a big brother to me, but we're still on the new-friend basis and things are still a bit awkward between us.
So he stayed over for a while and invited another friend over who seems to be super tight with him.
We smoked a jay, talked, and derped. It wasn't until 1:30AM-ish when SC and his friend decided to bounce.
I'm proud of what I did today, eating-wise.
- Coffee with Soy Milk and Splenda: 100cal.
- Toast with Vegan Margarine: 250cal
- RFTBB Sanwich: 320cal
- Spinach & Feta Dinner Wrap: 280cal
Total: 950cal
Actually, I'm super proud of what I've done today.
This new eating regime is easy enough for me to continue, but challenging enough to make me to struggle to the end of the day.
I have no idea what I'll eat for breakfast and lunch tomorrow. Dinner, I'm confident about since I'll be hanging out with some old high-school friends at Red Robin's. Thank god Red Robin's has a section of their website dedicated to nutrition and calories. I've planned out my meal to be around 250cal.
I'll definitely eat something in the morning before I go grocery shopping. I know that I'll end up on a crazed binge if I don't, so eating something will be a precautionary step.
I'll have a low calorie bowl of oatmeal for breakfast at about 240cal.
240 + 250 = 490cal
950cal - 490cal = 460cal
Lunch and a snack will have to be around 460cal.
I'll have an apple and some veggies.
I dunno, I haven't decided yet.
Anyways, it's time to hit the bed.
I'll post more in the morning.
Goodnight. <3
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Keep Calm & Carry On
123.3lbs
It's not a huge difference from yesterday but it at least the number is decreasing.
Today I work from 1:30pm to 10pm again.
Ugh, I just want my days off now so that I can organize and refine my thoughts a little better.
I'll need to buy more...
Whole Wheat Bread
Broccoli
Zucchini
Apples
Eggs
Canned Soup
Spinach
Tomato
Cucumber
Fat-free Plain Yogurtb
I'll need to skip breakfast today, and I'll need to drink coffee by the boatload.
Well, gotta get ready.
I'll blog again after work. Have a great morning, and stay strong.
<3
EDIT!
This morning I've had a coffee at about 100cal.
EDIT #2:
- Toast with Vegan Margarine: 250cal
- RFTBB Sanwich: 320cal
Not sure what I'll have for dinner since I'm feeling lazy, and the grocery store seems like a journey in itself.
I might just end up having random fridge veggies that need to be eaten. Let's see... I have a carrot and celery. Sounds like a delicious meal *sarcasm* :P
It's not a huge difference from yesterday but it at least the number is decreasing.
Today I work from 1:30pm to 10pm again.
Ugh, I just want my days off now so that I can organize and refine my thoughts a little better.
I'll need to buy more...
Whole Wheat Bread
Broccoli
Zucchini
Apples
Eggs
Canned Soup
Spinach
Tomato
Cucumber
Fat-free Plain Yogurtb
I'll need to skip breakfast today, and I'll need to drink coffee by the boatload.
Well, gotta get ready.
I'll blog again after work. Have a great morning, and stay strong.
<3
EDIT!
This morning I've had a coffee at about 100cal.
EDIT #2:
- Toast with Vegan Margarine: 250cal
- RFTBB Sanwich: 320cal
Not sure what I'll have for dinner since I'm feeling lazy, and the grocery store seems like a journey in itself.
I might just end up having random fridge veggies that need to be eaten. Let's see... I have a carrot and celery. Sounds like a delicious meal *sarcasm* :P
Hey, it's me again.
I'm having a lot for anxiety for tomorrow's meals.
Going over my caloric intake by about 200-300cal makes me uncomfortable...
I'm going to have to plan my meals better, like EVERYTHING.
It doesn't help that I don't have a lot of food at home either...
Tomorrow I'm going to try to skip breakfast. I'm pretty sure I'll be disappointed with my weigh-in in the morning. I can feel it. I guess this is a blessing in disguise though since it's forcing me to become more focused.
I need to look for more thinspiration too. My current pictures aren't doing the trick either. A lot of the images on the internet now are repeats, and it feels like I've seen them all.
So tomorrow, no breakfast.
Since I work a full shift I'll need to eat something during work.
I'll have large coffee with soy milk and 3 splendas; 100cal.
Then my standard 2 slices of toast with vegan margarine; 250cal.
Then on my 2nd break, I'll have RFTBB Sandwich; 320cal.
When I'm home from work I'll go to Safeway and buy apples, broccoli, and zucchini, and have steamed veggies and an apple for dessert.
Hmmm, I don't know if I'll actually have time to go grocery shopping, but if I don't end up going then I'll have yoghurt instead.
It's bedtime now. I'll definitely post some more tomorrow.
Night ladies.
Going over my caloric intake by about 200-300cal makes me uncomfortable...
I'm going to have to plan my meals better, like EVERYTHING.
It doesn't help that I don't have a lot of food at home either...
Tomorrow I'm going to try to skip breakfast. I'm pretty sure I'll be disappointed with my weigh-in in the morning. I can feel it. I guess this is a blessing in disguise though since it's forcing me to become more focused.
I need to look for more thinspiration too. My current pictures aren't doing the trick either. A lot of the images on the internet now are repeats, and it feels like I've seen them all.
So tomorrow, no breakfast.
Since I work a full shift I'll need to eat something during work.
I'll have large coffee with soy milk and 3 splendas; 100cal.
Then my standard 2 slices of toast with vegan margarine; 250cal.
Then on my 2nd break, I'll have RFTBB Sandwich; 320cal.
When I'm home from work I'll go to Safeway and buy apples, broccoli, and zucchini, and have steamed veggies and an apple for dessert.
Hmmm, I don't know if I'll actually have time to go grocery shopping, but if I don't end up going then I'll have yoghurt instead.
It's bedtime now. I'll definitely post some more tomorrow.
Night ladies.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
A Pinch of Emptiness
I just stumbled across my Ex's facebook page...
His roommate has a page for her make-up artistry, and I guess I now know that I'm subscribed to her since she just updated it, and a notification popped up. Curiosity got the best of me and I searched for his name, and now he has one again since his name is hyper-linked.
I clicked it and there he was.
For some reason... I felt sad and hopeless; kind of like when you have an event to go to, and you have the perfect t-shirt in mind, and then you come home you realise it's really dirty and you don't have enough time to wash and dry it. Haha. Yeah... Luckily, RM came home just in time to nip that feeling gone.
My day at work was normal. I worked with the two girls I don't mind working with, and it wasn't all too busy.
I'm so glad to be home, though. I just love the amount of comfort feel when I have the option do whatever the fuck I want.
As for eating, I've eaten what I posted earlier. Now it just a matter of finding something to eat that's only 260cal.
Oh wait, I just remembered I drank a large tea lemonade with splenda for 75cal.
260 - 75 = 185cal.
Nevermind, it's gonna be 185cal instead.
I guess I'll have a spinach salad since there's that in the fridge.
I'll have 85g for 25cal.
and... 4oz of steamed, short-grain, white rice for 150cal
UPDATE!
So for today in total, I had and will have..
- Starbucks's Awake Tea: 0cal
- 60g of Instant Oatmral: 240cal
- 2 slices of Toast w/ Vegan Margarine: 250cal
- RFTBB Sandwich: 320cal
- Large Tea Lemonade: 75cal
- 85g of Spinach: 25cal
- 8oz of cooked rice: 300cal
... 1210cal.
I went a little over my limit, which makes me anxious, but I should be fine. Don't sweat the small stuff. Focus on the bigger picture. WATER, WATER, WATER!!
Anyways, I'll post some more thoughts tomorrow.
Night ladies.
His roommate has a page for her make-up artistry, and I guess I now know that I'm subscribed to her since she just updated it, and a notification popped up. Curiosity got the best of me and I searched for his name, and now he has one again since his name is hyper-linked.
I clicked it and there he was.
For some reason... I felt sad and hopeless; kind of like when you have an event to go to, and you have the perfect t-shirt in mind, and then you come home you realise it's really dirty and you don't have enough time to wash and dry it. Haha. Yeah... Luckily, RM came home just in time to nip that feeling gone.
My day at work was normal. I worked with the two girls I don't mind working with, and it wasn't all too busy.
I'm so glad to be home, though. I just love the amount of comfort feel when I have the option do whatever the fuck I want.
As for eating, I've eaten what I posted earlier. Now it just a matter of finding something to eat that's only 260cal.
Oh wait, I just remembered I drank a large tea lemonade with splenda for 75cal.
260 - 75 = 185cal.
Nevermind, it's gonna be 185cal instead.
I guess I'll have a spinach salad since there's that in the fridge.
I'll have 85g for 25cal.
and... 4oz of steamed, short-grain, white rice for 150cal
UPDATE!
So for today in total, I had and will have..
- Starbucks's Awake Tea: 0cal
- 60g of Instant Oatmral: 240cal
- 2 slices of Toast w/ Vegan Margarine: 250cal
- RFTBB Sandwich: 320cal
- Large Tea Lemonade: 75cal
- 85g of Spinach: 25cal
- 8oz of cooked rice: 300cal
... 1210cal.
I went a little over my limit, which makes me anxious, but I should be fine. Don't sweat the small stuff. Focus on the bigger picture. WATER, WATER, WATER!!
Anyways, I'll post some more thoughts tomorrow.
Night ladies.
Great Start
RM has been pretty sick for a week. He's been coughing up a lung, tossing and turning in bed, getting hardly any sleep, working tirelessly, and not eating properly. I wish I could stay home with him and make him healthy meals so that he can get better quickly and not be so stressed out about this condition.
He woke me up this morning, which was a nice surprise since I normally always wake up before him.
This morning after I woke up, I ran straight to the bathroom, pulled out my scale, peed, got compeltely naked, and jumped on the scale. 123.5lbs.
I felt the sides of my face stretch then realized it was the biggest smile I could manage.
I looked in the mirror after my weigh-in and noticed that my waist and tummy weren't so puffy any more. Even though I know it's water weight, I don't feel so bloated, and I know that this is my true weight minus the extra water retention. Sweet deal. This is turning out to be a great start to the new year, but I shouldn't get too happy/cocky. Today is going to be a real test; can I continue this diet while knowing that I've lost a pound and a half the night before?
I'm gonna try really hard today, ladies. I really don't want to disappoint myself or any of my followers.
Today, I shall have...
Breakfast
- Starbucks's Awake Tea: 0cal
- 60g of Instant Oatmral: 120cal
During Work: 2:30pm - 10:00pm
- 2 slices of Toast w/ Vegan Margarine: 250cal
- RFTBB Sandwich: 320cal
Dinner/Afterwork
- ???
I'm not really sure what I'll have after work.
Maybe a baby spinach salad, with hard boiled eggs?
I'll update later today.
Have a great morning guys!
He woke me up this morning, which was a nice surprise since I normally always wake up before him.
This morning after I woke up, I ran straight to the bathroom, pulled out my scale, peed, got compeltely naked, and jumped on the scale. 123.5lbs.
I felt the sides of my face stretch then realized it was the biggest smile I could manage.
I looked in the mirror after my weigh-in and noticed that my waist and tummy weren't so puffy any more. Even though I know it's water weight, I don't feel so bloated, and I know that this is my true weight minus the extra water retention. Sweet deal. This is turning out to be a great start to the new year, but I shouldn't get too happy/cocky. Today is going to be a real test; can I continue this diet while knowing that I've lost a pound and a half the night before?
I'm gonna try really hard today, ladies. I really don't want to disappoint myself or any of my followers.
Today, I shall have...
Breakfast
- Starbucks's Awake Tea: 0cal
- 60g of Instant Oatmral: 120cal
During Work: 2:30pm - 10:00pm
- 2 slices of Toast w/ Vegan Margarine: 250cal
- RFTBB Sandwich: 320cal
Dinner/Afterwork
- ???
I'm not really sure what I'll have after work.
Maybe a baby spinach salad, with hard boiled eggs?
I'll update later today.
Have a great morning guys!
Monday, January 2, 2012
Food Log, 01.02.2012
- 2 packs of instant coffee, 5cal
- 1/2 cup of Almond Milk, 15cal
- 2 packets of Splenda, 10cal
- Large Coffee w/ Steamed Soy & 3 Splendas - 100cal
- 2 slices of toast with Vegan Margarine -250cal
- RFTB Breakfast Sandwich - 320cal
- 320g of Broccoli, steamed - 110cal
- 1 225g Apple (with core) - 115cal
Total Calorie Intake: 925cal
I didn't finish both my coffee drinks so I know that my total calorie intake is a bit over, but I like to over estimate to compensate for any mistakes.
I'm proud of what I've done today.
Today was slightly harder than yesterday, but now that I'm done today I feel so confident.
I've had some headaches, so I'll have to remember to take some Advil for that... or maybe even Asprin.
I'll have to cut back on smoking in the morning because I want more later in the day.
I shouldn't drink so much coffee or else my stomach feels terrible, like I have to puke all day.
And finally, I'll have to buy some more veggies tomorrow...
Anyways, goodnight and stay strong!
<3
- 1/2 cup of Almond Milk, 15cal
- 2 packets of Splenda, 10cal
- Large Coffee w/ Steamed Soy & 3 Splendas - 100cal
- 2 slices of toast with Vegan Margarine -250cal
- RFTB Breakfast Sandwich - 320cal
- 320g of Broccoli, steamed - 110cal
- 1 225g Apple (with core) - 115cal
Total Calorie Intake: 925cal
I didn't finish both my coffee drinks so I know that my total calorie intake is a bit over, but I like to over estimate to compensate for any mistakes.
I'm proud of what I've done today.
Today was slightly harder than yesterday, but now that I'm done today I feel so confident.
I've had some headaches, so I'll have to remember to take some Advil for that... or maybe even Asprin.
I'll have to cut back on smoking in the morning because I want more later in the day.
I shouldn't drink so much coffee or else my stomach feels terrible, like I have to puke all day.
And finally, I'll have to buy some more veggies tomorrow...
Anyways, goodnight and stay strong!
<3
No Turning Back
I just woke up a few minutes ago. My body said that I had enough sleep and decided to keep me awake until I go to bed again, so I'm wide awake and a little grumpy.
Since yesterday's eating went well, I felt super confident and grabbed my scale (which I haven't used in a couple weeks) and ran to the bathroom. I locked the door, had a morning pee, and got naked, took a deep breath, tapped my scale alive,and jumped on as evenly as I could.
I waited... and waited...
Then to my delight, it read 125lbs.
A couple of weeks ago, or maybe it was a month, I jumped on the scale and saw 124.5lbs. So even though I gained half a pound within a month, I'm so relieved I didn't gain any more with my holiday indulging.
So now that I have 125lbs in the back of my mind, I need to do some calculating...
My ULTIMATE GOAL WEIGHT is 99lbs, a BMI of 17.
It says in http://caloriecount.about.com I need to eat 1,311cal a day until July 2nd, 2012, to be 99lbs. Bullshit.
But I guess this is a good guideline on where to start.
I plan on eating 900-1000cal daily until I reach my goal, I don't care how long it takes, I just want to get there.
My last anorexic diet was 750cal or less a day and I dropped 20 pounds in 2 months with light activity, so this new diet shouldn't be too hard at all.
I wanted to give myself more calories than last time because I'm a bit heavier and I don't want my muscles to waste right away on 750cal.
So, I'll be having at least 900cal, maximum 1000cal. I'm expecting to lose the weight by late spring early summer. I'm also expecting some binging, slip-ups, and inescapable meals.
I'll be weighing myself everyday to keep my motivated.
I just keep thinking about the clothes I want to wear, and the different attention I'll be getting from other people. Maybe RM will find me irresistible and treat me with more respect, or love me even more.
I just know that I'll be happier when I am my goal weight. I'll be more confident, prettier, and loveable.
Today, I work from 1:30 to 10:00pm. I'll just force myself to drink coffee all day.
Now, I'll probably have...
- 2 packs of instant coffee, 5cal
- 1/2 cup of Almond Milk, 15
- 3 packets of Splenda, 10cal
- Lots of water!!!
Breakfast Total: 30cal
Then at work I'll have...
- Large Coffee w/ Steamed Soy & 3 Splendas - 100cal
- 2 slices of toast with Vegan Margarine -250cal
- RFTB Breakfast Sandwich - 320cal
Then afterwork, I'll have...
- 320g of Broccoli, steamed - 110cal
- 1 225g Apple (with core) - 115cal
Grand Total of...
925!!
Anyways, I've gotta get ready for work and make my coffee.
I'll update later ladies.
<3
Since yesterday's eating went well, I felt super confident and grabbed my scale (which I haven't used in a couple weeks) and ran to the bathroom. I locked the door, had a morning pee, and got naked, took a deep breath, tapped my scale alive,and jumped on as evenly as I could.
I waited... and waited...
Then to my delight, it read 125lbs.
A couple of weeks ago, or maybe it was a month, I jumped on the scale and saw 124.5lbs. So even though I gained half a pound within a month, I'm so relieved I didn't gain any more with my holiday indulging.
So now that I have 125lbs in the back of my mind, I need to do some calculating...
My ULTIMATE GOAL WEIGHT is 99lbs, a BMI of 17.
It says in http://caloriecount.about.com I need to eat 1,311cal a day until July 2nd, 2012, to be 99lbs. Bullshit.
But I guess this is a good guideline on where to start.
I plan on eating 900-1000cal daily until I reach my goal, I don't care how long it takes, I just want to get there.
My last anorexic diet was 750cal or less a day and I dropped 20 pounds in 2 months with light activity, so this new diet shouldn't be too hard at all.
I wanted to give myself more calories than last time because I'm a bit heavier and I don't want my muscles to waste right away on 750cal.
So, I'll be having at least 900cal, maximum 1000cal. I'm expecting to lose the weight by late spring early summer. I'm also expecting some binging, slip-ups, and inescapable meals.
I'll be weighing myself everyday to keep my motivated.
I just keep thinking about the clothes I want to wear, and the different attention I'll be getting from other people. Maybe RM will find me irresistible and treat me with more respect, or love me even more.
I just know that I'll be happier when I am my goal weight. I'll be more confident, prettier, and loveable.
Today, I work from 1:30 to 10:00pm. I'll just force myself to drink coffee all day.
Now, I'll probably have...
- 2 packs of instant coffee, 5cal
- 1/2 cup of Almond Milk, 15
- 3 packets of Splenda, 10cal
- Lots of water!!!
Breakfast Total: 30cal
Then at work I'll have...
- Large Coffee w/ Steamed Soy & 3 Splendas - 100cal
- 2 slices of toast with Vegan Margarine -250cal
- RFTB Breakfast Sandwich - 320cal
Then afterwork, I'll have...
- 320g of Broccoli, steamed - 110cal
- 1 225g Apple (with core) - 115cal
Grand Total of...
925!!
Anyways, I've gotta get ready for work and make my coffee.
I'll update later ladies.
<3
Sunday, January 1, 2012
01.01.2011 Caloric Intake
Breakfast: Coffee w/ Soy Milk - 100cal
Lunch: 2 slices of Toast w/ Vegan Margarine - 250cal
Dinner: Ham & Swiss Panini - 430cal
Snack: 2 extra large Hard Boiled Eggs - 160cal
Total Caloric Intake: 940cal
I going to try really hard not to eat anything now since I'm done for the day.
I'm just going to have water if I get the hungry pains again.
Sometimes I get so angry with the hunger pains that I'll just drink water to the point where I can't take it anymore; like I'm about to burst from the inside out, until tears come out of my eyes from the amount of discomfort of a full stomach, until I'm about to puke nothing but water.
In a fucked up way, I like to make myself feel physical purposeful pain. I like to punish myself when I know I'm guilty of something.
I feel guilty for feeling hungry all the time. It pisses me off that my body is asking for food when it doesn't need it. I. Am. Fucking. Fat.
I. Don't. Deserve. Food.
I. Don't. NEED. FOOD.
The only thing I need is a perfect body; gracefully thin.
I want my body to look as if my skeleton is under a veil of soft pale skin, as if the bones whisper their presence through the veil.
Just thinking about how clothes would look with my collarbones poking through... ugh! Perfection.
Or even wearing jeggings and having a huge gap between my thigh and crotch...
Or even wearing a white, tight, racerback tank and not feeling self concious about ANYTHING.
I've been thinking about buying my goal outfit sometime soon, either online or in store.
I might go for online-shopping since it allows me to shop in private.
I'm thinking my order should consist of...
- a size 0, Little Black Dress; tight, minimalistic, above the knee, sleeveless or strapless.
- a size 0, pair of Bright Red Jeggings.
I'm probably going to look for expensive items only so I don't 'waste' purchasing them.
Anyways, I'm gonna go 'perfect' outfit hunting.
I'll update some more tomorrow.
<3
Lunch: 2 slices of Toast w/ Vegan Margarine - 250cal
Dinner: Ham & Swiss Panini - 430cal
Snack: 2 extra large Hard Boiled Eggs - 160cal
Total Caloric Intake: 940cal
I going to try really hard not to eat anything now since I'm done for the day.
I'm just going to have water if I get the hungry pains again.
Sometimes I get so angry with the hunger pains that I'll just drink water to the point where I can't take it anymore; like I'm about to burst from the inside out, until tears come out of my eyes from the amount of discomfort of a full stomach, until I'm about to puke nothing but water.
In a fucked up way, I like to make myself feel physical purposeful pain. I like to punish myself when I know I'm guilty of something.
I feel guilty for feeling hungry all the time. It pisses me off that my body is asking for food when it doesn't need it. I. Am. Fucking. Fat.
I. Don't. Deserve. Food.
I. Don't. NEED. FOOD.
The only thing I need is a perfect body; gracefully thin.
I want my body to look as if my skeleton is under a veil of soft pale skin, as if the bones whisper their presence through the veil.
Just thinking about how clothes would look with my collarbones poking through... ugh! Perfection.
Or even wearing jeggings and having a huge gap between my thigh and crotch...
Or even wearing a white, tight, racerback tank and not feeling self concious about ANYTHING.
I've been thinking about buying my goal outfit sometime soon, either online or in store.
I might go for online-shopping since it allows me to shop in private.
I'm thinking my order should consist of...
- a size 0, Little Black Dress; tight, minimalistic, above the knee, sleeveless or strapless.
- a size 0, pair of Bright Red Jeggings.
I'm probably going to look for expensive items only so I don't 'waste' purchasing them.
Anyways, I'm gonna go 'perfect' outfit hunting.
I'll update some more tomorrow.
<3
Welcome to 2012
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
Wow, 2012. Is it just me or does it feel like time is zipping by?
Now that it's a new year, it's also another huge opportunity to start something fresh... perhaps a new diet for the weight concious? Haha, yup, that's definitely me.
I know that I should weight myself today and have a start weight in mind, but I've been indulging during the holidays. But I'm not upset about it at all, I gave myself permission to have what I want. My reason for letting myself let go? Well, a lot of family issues came up like my grandmother's passing and my dad's move to his overseas business as well as celebrating in general. There were a lot of dinners, get-togethers, celebrating like it was our last as a family, and drinking at a club (which I have to tell you guys about), and smoking up, etc. They may sound like excuses not to lose weight but I don't want my ED thoughts to ruin my life and my fun, again. What's the point of living life if I can't enjoy it? I can safely say that I'm somewhat ED recovered, but my 'thoughts' about weight and calories still linger in the back of my mind. I still have the desire to lose the weight and to look fabulous, but I only want it if I can maintain a stable mood and still be the me that I am.
Since it's the first day of the new year I feel really motivated to get shit done. So today, I'm going to consume around 1000cal to 1300cal. It may seem like a lot to those who are the restrictive type, but again, I'm trying to lose weight the healthy way since I don't want my muscles to wither away and just be left with fat cells. I don't want to be a walking bag of fat even though I may 'look' normal.
I work today so that's going to be a bit of a challenge. Fuck, I hate working in a coffee shop. A lot of things are tempting but it's a good thing we don't get any of the pastries for free. I'm pretty good at not buying pastries now because who the hell wants to buy unwanted calories that you'll regret later? But it's the not pastries I'm worried about, it's the drinks I have a bit of anxiety with. Firstly, they're free. Secondly, even the soy milk is heavy on the calories. Thirdly there's not a lot of options, when you don't like coffee, that tastes good and is low in calories.
I'll probably end up drinking large, mild, coffee with splenda and a splash of soy. It normally comes to about 150cal if I'm feeling super generous with the soy; otherwise it would be just 100cal.
After work I'll probably have some steamed veggies, derp on my laptop, plan for the following days.
UGH... I'm dreading going to work but it shouldn't be too busy since a lot of people aren't willing to spend money after the holiday. Woo hoo, January! It's the laziest work month ever! :D
Anyhoo, I've made blogging a daily resolution of mine, so hopefully I'll blog as much as I can.
It's hard to get some privacy when you live with someone else who's home more often then you.
Well ladies, have a happy new year and a great first day.
Let's not fuck anything up so we don't screw ourselves over for the entire year!
We can do it.
Just think of that perfect body when it's 2013!!
<3
Wow, 2012. Is it just me or does it feel like time is zipping by?
Now that it's a new year, it's also another huge opportunity to start something fresh... perhaps a new diet for the weight concious? Haha, yup, that's definitely me.
I know that I should weight myself today and have a start weight in mind, but I've been indulging during the holidays. But I'm not upset about it at all, I gave myself permission to have what I want. My reason for letting myself let go? Well, a lot of family issues came up like my grandmother's passing and my dad's move to his overseas business as well as celebrating in general. There were a lot of dinners, get-togethers, celebrating like it was our last as a family, and drinking at a club (which I have to tell you guys about), and smoking up, etc. They may sound like excuses not to lose weight but I don't want my ED thoughts to ruin my life and my fun, again. What's the point of living life if I can't enjoy it? I can safely say that I'm somewhat ED recovered, but my 'thoughts' about weight and calories still linger in the back of my mind. I still have the desire to lose the weight and to look fabulous, but I only want it if I can maintain a stable mood and still be the me that I am.
Since it's the first day of the new year I feel really motivated to get shit done. So today, I'm going to consume around 1000cal to 1300cal. It may seem like a lot to those who are the restrictive type, but again, I'm trying to lose weight the healthy way since I don't want my muscles to wither away and just be left with fat cells. I don't want to be a walking bag of fat even though I may 'look' normal.
I work today so that's going to be a bit of a challenge. Fuck, I hate working in a coffee shop. A lot of things are tempting but it's a good thing we don't get any of the pastries for free. I'm pretty good at not buying pastries now because who the hell wants to buy unwanted calories that you'll regret later? But it's the not pastries I'm worried about, it's the drinks I have a bit of anxiety with. Firstly, they're free. Secondly, even the soy milk is heavy on the calories. Thirdly there's not a lot of options, when you don't like coffee, that tastes good and is low in calories.
I'll probably end up drinking large, mild, coffee with splenda and a splash of soy. It normally comes to about 150cal if I'm feeling super generous with the soy; otherwise it would be just 100cal.
After work I'll probably have some steamed veggies, derp on my laptop, plan for the following days.
UGH... I'm dreading going to work but it shouldn't be too busy since a lot of people aren't willing to spend money after the holiday. Woo hoo, January! It's the laziest work month ever! :D
Anyhoo, I've made blogging a daily resolution of mine, so hopefully I'll blog as much as I can.
It's hard to get some privacy when you live with someone else who's home more often then you.
Well ladies, have a happy new year and a great first day.
Let's not fuck anything up so we don't screw ourselves over for the entire year!
We can do it.
Just think of that perfect body when it's 2013!!
<3
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