Friday, December 23, 2011

2011 Reflection

JAN - SEPT: I've worked in West Van.
OCT: Moved in with RM.
NOV: Transfered to a different job right outside my apartment.
DEC: I'll be spending the holidays with my mom and my brother.

2011 is a bit difficult for me to remember since nothing worth remembering happened.
Too bad I don't have enough posts to make a month chart of what happened and such.
But I did have fun this year, nothing really stressed me out except for that whole NS being a huge parasite.
I have new stresses for the year to come though....

My last years resolutions were...
- Lose weight.
- Be overall healthier, with healthier thoughts.
- Blog almost daily.
- Continue to love RM and support his needs and make him as happy as possible.
- Apply for school/ Find out what I want to do with my life.
- Paint/Draw/Read/and get back into everything I used to love doing. (I'm suffering for a bit of depression ATM.)
- Reconcile with my family... although I don't want to.
- Find a better paying job.
- Work on my looks; ie. tattoos, hair color, clothes, etc.
- Buy a bed. Lol.
- Make more friends, and continue to strengthen my current friendships.
- Budget more.


Haha, I tired to blog almost everyday but we all know how that went.
I'm still deciding if I want to go to school or not.
Finding a better job is going to be difficult since minimum wage will be going up soon. Not a lot of businesses will be looking for new hires so I'm stuck with the one I have for now, and it's not so bad.

My 2012 Resolutions will now be...
- To continue to lose weight.
- To quit completely/ cut down on smoking cigarettes.
- Eat healthier!
- Getting a desk, chair, lamp, so that I can get my art on.
- Continue to love RM and support his needs and to make him as happy as possible.
- Visit Mom once a week.
- Hangout with NS at least once every 2 weeks.
- To be a better conversationalist.
- To have a stronger personality, I don't like being so nice all the time.
- Work on my art portfolio.
- Build a better wardrobe.
- Reinvent myself.
- Make a brand.
- Craft more.
- TO BLOG MORE!

Thoughts.

I think I owe everyone an explanation as to why I've not been posting as frequently as I should. It has to do with my... - Laziness. - Finding no need to complain//bitch about everything. - I don't get enough privacy these days. - My ED thoughts aren't as strong as they used to be. - I didn't want to bore people to death with my uneventful life. - I'm a bit happier these days. - I genuinely forget. - And since I don't consider myself having an ED and this is an ED blog, I would just be wasting everyone's time. BUT! I still would love to blog, but I need more of a purpose to blog. - I still have ED thoughts from time to time, and I'm still struggling with my weight. - I'm in a complicated 'relationship' with my new roommate RM. - I have terrible anxiety about my future and if I'm ever going to go back to school to learn a variation of fine arts. - I need a place to vent or to share my feeling because I'm definitely other people's rock and I have no one to talk to. - Writing is something that I've always cherished and encouraged, it's a great human skill that shouldn't be ignored. - I like documenting my life so that I can read back and see how much I've grown. - It's fun. - It's healthy. - I have lots to say, and great advice for those to want it. - The community here is so amazing, I still want to be a part of it. For those who care, I'll be doing a complete overhaul of this blog soon or even making a new one completely. I need to crack down on this and make it into a haven.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Hey. It's been a while. I've been going through some issues these past few months. I've never felt this alone in the whole world. My grandma died, and now my mother will never be the same. I'm a huge failure and embarrassed to my family. I haven't the slightest hope that I'll be successful in the future and yet I'm still idiotically hopeful. I'm in love with my roommate but he can't return those feelings. I work a shit job that I absolutely hate. I'm sick and tired of being me. I feel like the biggest loser ever... I don't seem to be going anywhere. I feel like I have no control over my life. I hate myself for it. I wish I was someone else more fortunate... I have a lot on my mind and yet no one is willing to listen to me... What am I doing with my life? Why am I so scared to get things going?

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Grey Area

It's been about a week since I've moved in with RM. It's been okay living with him; nothing is different. It's just an extension of my visits when I used to come here on my days off. But to be perfectly honest, I don't know if I like it.
I had a concoction in my head that living with him was going to be amazing, that I wasn't going to be disappointed in any way, that I was going to be emotionally taken care of... but so far, there's nothing. He keeps giving me subtle hints that were technically not together, that he doesn't want a relationship, that he doesn't consider himself belonging to anyone, etc, etc, etc. To be brutally fair, this is what we agreed on when we first met, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm head over heals for him. On one hand, I'm glad that he's a part of my life, but on the other I wish that he had the desire to be with me.
I don't want to regret me moving in with him, I want to make the best of it, but when he's constantly working/ busying himself with other things and not even giving me the time of day... it obviously makes me feel like this while thing was a mistake. But, alas, I can't back away from it. I broke myself free from NS, I'm attempting to find a new job, and I'm trying for my art career again.

NS is still unemployed. I don't know how she's going to find a job. She quit her previous job, but it looks like she's going to have to come back... thankfully, not at the same store. Phew...
I visited her a couple of times during the week to help her move, to check up on her, to see if she's surviving on her own, and so far so good. She's pretty heartbroken about her ex-boyfriend and she wont admit that she's genuinely hurt from him not caring. I told her that it was going to take a lot of time, a lot of positive thinking, and a lot of self-loving to get over him.

I guess I should treat my relationship with RM as if it were done; as if we're just roommates, after all that's what we are.
Hmm.. I can't help shake the feeling that I'm overreacting, but then again, I don't want to guess anymore. One year is long enough and I just want to move on with my life. I don't want anything to hold me back, I want to live my life selfishly. I want every choice I make to benefit me in the long run. I'm willing to sacrifice almost anything to get what I want. I need to do this for me, because no one else is going to.

On a lighter note, I now weight 125.5! Half a pound more until I've reached one of my goal weights. Surprisingly, I haven't put much effort into my weight loss but I have been stressed out. I think I've made myself sick because my throat is sore and I cough occasionally. OR, it might be RM's fault because he's still kinda sick from getting a cold last week. Fuck it. Whatever.

Today I work from 2:30pm to 10:30pm. Right after work, I'm meeting RM and a bunch of our friends at a club so see Cyberoptics (a great dubstep artist). I'm pumped for this actually. It's gonna be a gong show. I'm planning on getting fairly drunk, haha. I just want to forget about my life issues and just enjoy the moment of pure bliss.

Anyways, I truly honestly hope that RM is just acting a bit funny because he's sick and doesn't feel well. He's a difficult person to read.
All in all, I want him to feel better and start being the RM that I knew a month ago.
To say the least, this while move thing is such a grey area for me.
I don't know how I'll feel next week, but I want everything to be great and back to normal.
Please.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Long Time No Blog

It's been a while since I've last blogged. A lot of things have been going on so I haven't had the time to even think about updating; which is bad, I know.
I've started packing my things, and almost everything I own is in boxes. Just the past couple of weeks have been pretty hectic. NS quit her job and so we're not working together anymore. She quit because she was promised another job but she didn't get it, and so now she's unemployed and bunk-ass poor. Since she so poor, she wont have any money to pay for her moving expenses; so now I have to pay for everything and write a contract up saying that NS owes me this sum of money in this amount of time. If she doesn't abide by the contract she basically wont have me around anymore, and I will sue her if need be. When it comes to people borrowing my money I don't fuck around. Money comes first in the 1st world, then family and friends come next. Money equals a hassle-free life and I want to make sure my life is hassle-free as much as possible, so this whole thing is a serious deal.

I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Moving in with RM is going to be an interesting experience; he motivates me to be better in my talents and to strive for what my calling/niche is. In a way, I want to be better than him in every way so that I can prove to him that I'm just some no-body, but someone worth keeping around. My dream is to be an artisan of life, to be great at almost everything, to have a fine appreciation for life that draws people in, to be needed for my skills and to be worth billions. I want to be an empire and change the world for the better. But it's only a dream, a really ambitious one at that.

Weight-wise, I haven't been paying attention to that at all. Some things are a lot more important than selfishly starving. I'll fully commit to it when I'm all settled and relaxed about my living situation, but for now, I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full.

Night night.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Weight Update

It's been a while since I've last weighed myself. I've been more than just stressed, running between two homes (my apartment and RM's place), hating my job, etc, etc. I haven't placed any effort into lose weight either because I've had a lot on my plate (no pun intended). So, this morning after I went to the bathroom, I jumped on the scale; 126.1 pounds. I was shocked. I had prepared myself to expect the worst and yet the best possible outcome happened. I weighed myself 3 times to see if it was a glitch in the scale, but it kept reading 126.1.
Of course I feel relived about this, but it's also curse in disguise. My weight loss came from my stress. I'm actually stressed to the point were my body has decided to eat itself for nutrients.
On a similar note, I've stopped taking ephedrine and caffeine in pill form, I've cut back on my smoking from 8-10 to 3-6.
All in all, I'm glad that my weight is slowly declining.
Yay.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Same Old, Same Old.

Lately, I've been really unhappy about where I am in my life.
I'm 21, technically single, working full-time in a dead end job, living on my own with roommates, with no future ahead of me.
Being 21 was challenging to accept. At 21, you're considered an adult everywhere in the world, you are responsible for your own actions. For each step you take, you're taking a step into the unknown where the pay off is great or absolute shit. When I was 13-18, I always thought my life would magically come together on my 21st birthday because I would be old enough to control things around me. I'd have a career, a great boyfriend, living in a great apartment, living the life I've always dreamed of. But now that I look at myself now... I'm there, but everything about it is wrapped in some way. Sure I have a "boyfriend", except he's technically not; he's a friend who just so happens to fuck me. Sure I have a job; but it ain't no career or even close to the career I want. Sure I live in an apartment with a roommate; but it just so happens that my roommate is crazy and crazy annoying.
I guess I should've been more careful when I wished for this lifestyle. Too late now.
But within all of this, I have the power to control most things. So far, I'm moving in with RM soon; a foil to my current roommate/living situation. I'll be leaving West Van too and living with an area with more character and normal people.
I'll be looking for a new job, and I'll be working on my freelance art portfolio which will be the start to my career.
When the day comes when RM gets tired of me, I'll be looking for someone better than him, and it'll be well worth the effort.
When all else fails I'll continue to pursue the feeling of hope, and live life that I swear I'm dreaming.
I can only hope.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Sigh,,,

I think... I'm depressed. No. I know that I'm depressed.
Just a few hours ago, I'm been having this odd 'there's-an-empty-cavity-where-my-heart-and-lungs-are-supposed-to-be' feeling, and I can't seem to shake it off.
I'm starting to panic a little, and for no apparent reason at all.
Right now, I have the urge to cry, and the thing on my mind is; "I dropped out of university and now I have no future. I'm gonna be working bum jobs for little money and suffer throughout the rest of my life (til the day I die). All my loved ones are gonna leave me for someone better, when my parents die and when my brother dies I'll be left with nothing. I'll never share my life with anyone special. I'll have no friends. I'll be nothing. I might as well just throw in the towel and call it quits. I'm just a waste of air, water, and food. I'm a wasteful, stupid, lazy, talentless, fat, unattractive, ignorant, slob. I fucking hate myself to the point where I feel sick just being who I am..."
It's unfortunate because I'm a human incapable of just accepting myself, and that I feel genuinely ill just being in my own skin, in my own thoughts...
I don't know, I just feel so suddenly hopeless about everything.
I feel absolutely worthless, like I'm the scum of the earth.

I'm tired all the time, mentally and physically. If it weren't for the social aspect of my job, I'd be socially retarded, and not a functional member of society.
I'm either losing weight and/or gaining weight; it always fluctuates.
I'm a fucking grouch all the time. And I lost a lot of passion for life. Nothing excites me anymore.

I dunno...
I think I need help.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Friends No More.

I haven't posted in a while. NS and living in the district that I do has been more stressful than usual. After my vacation, I was scheduled to work 6 days in a row. I have just now finished 5, and tomorrow will be my last shift until my day off. Joy. They were all early morning shifts too, so I've been horribly sleep deprived and not in focus with my eating because of that. I'm pretty sure I'm back in the 30s but I'm too scared to step on the scale and see what the real number is. I'm a bit disappointed with myself, but all my other issues have placed my weight/eating on hold.
NS is constantly crowding me again/still. And last night she brought over 3 people at 10pm even though she knew I worked super early at 5:15am. I was "sleeping" when they all walked through the door, and I was so pissed off I asked RM if I could just stay at his place until I have to work another early shift. So, currently, I'm in his living room, on the couch, on my laptop, just venting, and just hoping that I'll never NS ever again after I move out. At this point, I can finally consider her just nothing; not a best friend.
NS's ex-boyfriend also stayed over, which really bothers me because their whole situation is so fucked up, and when the day that Liam fucks another girl, I'm not gonna fucking pick up the pieces and console NS. Fuck that. I warned her. Multiple times. Plus, I even told her. "Yeah, I know" would be what she says, but I don't think she actually "knows" how fucked she is when he leaves her for good.
Plus, everyday I'm realizing that she's exactly what she hates; she's a cheap, fake, socially awkward person, digging for deals/haggling/stealing shit, who always complains, doesn't shut the fuck up, etc.
Plus, another reason why I don't want to be friends with her is because she expects too much from me. I'm just her friend, nothing more. she says shit like "When I picture my future, I always imagine that you would be there." seriously, I'm not your fucking wife. She also says that "we'll be roommate 30 years from now, and once you leave RM behind it'll just be you and me". Sigh, she's fucking creepy obsessed with me. If only she knew how inappropriate she's being.
I can safely say that I wouldn't care if I don't see her again. From this point on, I'm through being best friends with her. she a fucking stranger to me now.
a stranger.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Post Vacation

I just had a vacation from the 25th of August till now. Tomorrow I start work, so... I don't know how I feel about that. I just hate my job, I hate that I still have to live with NS for another month, and I also hate living in the district I'm living in, Everything here is fake and cheap and so are the people. I can't wait for the day I'm gone. I can almost taste my freedom, but the rancid flavour of stress still lingers in the back of my throat. 25th - I got a new cellphone because I lost the other. That fucking took eons. I was at Rogers for 3 hours collectively to get a phone. Jesus. Then I came home to NS and her ex-boyfriend-fuck-toy fucking like prepubescent teenagers. Great. I was so stressed out at that point I thought I was gonna lose it. So I packed my shit up and went to RM's. And went I got there we didn't do much; just hung out, do our things, and watch movies. 26th - RM and I went out. I went shopping for clothes and phone accessories, and RM did some ticket promoting/selling and met up with some business people. We met up in the mall, and he finally bought a new pair of pants. We came home ate some dinner. There was a show playing tonight so RM went to the club early and sold more tickets. I met up with him again and kept him company until his buddy took me inside. RM didn't get inside until 2 hours later, and by that time I was pretty tipsy. Matt (RM's buddy) looked after me almost the entire night, and I was pretty disappointed that RM spent most of his time doing whatever he had to get done. We finally left the club, and I was pretty frustrated with the whole show and the fact that I pretty mush spend the entire night by myself. It took us a while to get home since the night bus takes forever to get anywhere. It must've been 4am. We smoked up, stayed up a little and went to bed a bit earlier than 6am. 27th - RM woke me up at 5pm. I couldn't believe I slept that long. We got some food, watched more movies and then RM went to go play poker with his high school buds. I pretty much spent this whole day alone. I don't think he came back until 4:30am. I was pretty bummed. This was probably the loneliest day of my vacation. I didn't expect him to spend every waking moment with me but... don't leave me alone all day and make me wait for him until I'm too tired to wait... I understand that he has a life outside of me, but it's kind of insensitive.... 28th - I was gonna go home today, but RM wasn't going to visit his mom and so he asked me what I wanted to do today. We ended up going shopping and then staying indoors, it was too hot to do anything anyway. I got a fair amount of drawings done. We eventually smoked up and watched movies. 29th - I visited my family today and didn't get back home until late. RM and I made nachos and watched more movies; pulp fiction and minority report. We smoked up again and had a fairly chill day. 30th - We just bummed around and did nothing. Lol. 31st - I started to pack all my stuff in the morning, we had lunch, then I went home. I had an okay vacation. It went by fast... too fast... Tomorrow is September 1st. A new month a new eating plan. I have one month until I move in with RM and so I'll need to be extra good and lose weight so that I can walk around naked in front of RM and not feel stupid about it. Anyhoo, long post. Goodnight.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Just Wow.

So, this week has been absolute hell.
NS is still fucking annoying as ever. I've spend too much time around her; at home, at work, and she still finds the need to say "We never hang out anymore". FFS, seriously!? She's fucking crazy, and needy, and clingy, AND she also does this whole annoying baby talk all the time. Fucking hell. And, for some reason, she can't keep her fucking hands to herself. She always has to latch on to me, poke me, pat my head, or something stupid like that. Seriously, if she fucks with me I'm gonna lose it. I'm even considering not being friends with her anymore because she's also negative and never sees the good in life anymore. It honestly drains the life out of me. I just can't wait for the day I move away from her. I'm not fucking married to her, I'm just her friend. I need physical and mental space away from her because she constantly crowds me all the time. FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE, KAY?!
UGH! And get this, her ex-boyfriend is sleeping over tonight and tomorrow night to hang out with her, and to obviously fuck her. He's only using her for sex, and even though she 'knows' it, she's obviously in denial about the whole thing. And when the day he fucks a different girl comes, I'm not gonna give NS ANY sympathy since I've warned her multiple times and I'm even going to tell her that I don't feel one bit sorry for her. I'm not going to pick up the pieces, I'm not going to console her, I'm not going to do anything for her because she already knows when that day comes and she feels shitty, she'll know that it's ALL her fault and she could've prevented everything.
Also, I lost my phone. So now I have to get a new one, but before I do that I need my dad to release my number from the family account. My dad doesn't know how to speak English all that well because he immigrated to Canada years ago, so now my brother has to do it for my dad but my brother and my dad are barely home together. So now I'm just waiting and hoping for my brother and my dad to do it because I don't have other means of communication other than the internet since I'm always at work or it always crashes.
Work fucking sucks. People treat me like a stupid robot all day because people who live in this area are poseur-rich people who can't fucking afford a coffee everyday and yet they're there everyday.
AND, I start work tomorrow at 1:30pm but I have to be out of the house by 9am because I apparently have bed bugs.
And after work I'll have to come home to NS and her ex-boyfriend fucking, and they're no way to get in contact with RM because he's somewhere out there.
Fuck. My. Life. And everything was going to well for a minute.
UGH! I'm so stressed out and hungry, but there's no way I'm gonna put anything in my mouth. I'm too tense for anything.
I just wish that someone from somewhere would find me and save me from this nightmare.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Just Waiting...

It's been a while since I've posted anything.
I'm sure by now you're all tired of me complaining about life. So, today I'll be focusing on all the good things that have happened to me and what I have yet to achieve.
About a couple weeks ago I was going through all my old posts and I've stumbled upon my new years resolution post.

These were my expectations...
"For the new year, I expect myself to...
- Lose weight.
- Be overall healthier, with healthier thoughts.
- Blog almost daily.
- Continue to love RM and support his needs and make him as happy as possible.
- Apply for school/ Find out what I want to do with my life.
- Paint/Draw/Read/and get back into everything I used to love doing. (I'm suffering for a bit of depression ATM.)
- Reconcile with my family... although I don't want to.
- Find a better paying job.
- Work on my looks; ie. tattoos, hair color, clothes, etc.
- Buy a bed. Lol.
- Make more friends, and continue to strengthen my current friendships.
- Budget more."

Although I haven't lost mush weight, I've pretty much accomplished most of my expectations. I now think about my health over weight loss more so than before. I'm getting into the habit of blogging more. I still love RM and still support his needs and his happiness. I've finally figured out what I want to do with my life. I've gotten into my old hobbies again and I'm totally excited for more. I'm not as depressed as I used to be; in fact, I haven't cried for no apparent reason for a while now. I'm now closer to my family more than ever and I'm damn well glad that I have those relationships back. I've been promoted to a shift supervisor and I'm now earning more than before. I'm now blonde (since I'm of Korean decent, I naturally have black hair) and I've received a lot of compliments from many people, I have a HUGE tattoo of wings on my back, and my ears are stretched, and I'm finally loving the way I look style-wise). I finally have a bed, although it was a hand-me-down. I've made more friends and I'm looking forward to more, and finally I have a grasp on how much I spend and whatnot.

8 months. It took me 8 months to accomplish most of what I've planned at the beginning of the year. I now have 4 more months left and I know for a fact that I can get the remaining tasks done.
I have to keep reminding myself that I'm worth it and that I'm in full control of my life.
I'm excited for the future, for a change, and I can see the light at the end of the self-hating tunnel. If I can continue to love myself more and more each day, whatever I want will manifest itself into reality and I'll be living the dream.
:) but I guess only time can tell eh?

Well, I guess that's it for now.
I'll blog some time soon.
Take care and be strong.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Sicky Poo

I've been sick for a couple days now, and it seems that today it's at it's worst. Not only that, but I'm also off of birth control and finally on my period. Ugh...
I feel absolutely knackered. I didn't take any caffeine or ephedrine, and just lived off of fruit, fruit juices, and a bagel with cream cheese and honey.
I weighed myself this morning and maybe it's just me, the scale, or some other freaky energy lurking about, but it read 128.6. That means that I've lost about 4 pounds in a week and a half due to stress, the my cold, and other factors. I still don't believe I weight this much because I've been putting no effort into my weight loss yet.
I dunno, lately i've been too stressed out to do anything.
ugh... I'm gonna try and get some sleep. night night.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Round 2, Fight!

So I did my chores; Laundry, dishes, garbage, and getting my birth control pills.
I had some broccoli, 150cal worth. So now I'm at (1390+150) 1540cal,and I'm stuffed.
Now, I shall plan out tomorrow's meals/food.
- Green Machine Naked Juice: 280cal
- Mango Madness Naked Juice: 300cal
- Short Soy Flavoured Latte: 110cal
- Udon Noodle Soup: 270cal
And lately, I've been craving plain yogurt for a while now so I think I'll buy some tomorrow.
"Liberte: 2% MF" Yogurt seems like a good choice. It's 120cal for 6oz(170g), and it contains 4.5 servings in each tub. So the entire tub has 540cal.
Now, if I added that to my meal plan... I'll be at 1500cal.
I'll need to calcium in the yogurt since I take an ECA stack almost every day, (Ephedrine, Caffeine, Aspirin) which leeches the calcium out of my bones.
Okay, so I guess it's set in stone then.

Insert Title Here

I just came back from work, and I don't feel as drained as normal.
I had...
- Green Goodness Naked Juice: 280cal
- Short Soy Raspberry Latte: 110cal
- Mango Madness Naked Juice: 300cal
- 1/2 of Milk Chocolate Graham Cookie: 100cal
- 5 Salmon Nigiri Sushi + 4 California Sushi Pieces: 600cal (Yikes!)
That all adds up to... 1390cal so far...
Yesterday, I had said that my limit for today would be 1600cal.
I only have 210 left.
I'll have about 400g of steamed broccoli with salt later if I absolutely need it. I want to stop eating for the day right now, but since it's still kinda early and I have a lot of chores and extra things to do, I dunno if I'm gonna make it.

A lot of you maybe be wondering if I do any form of exercise during the day, and the answer is simple; I do. Lol.
A.) My job is very labour intensive. I work at a local coffee shop as a key holder, and it's pretty famous in BC. I'm constantly on my feet for 7-8 hours a day and I'm always running or walking or even lifting heavy objects.
B.) Skateboarding and BMXing is another form of exercise I do. I probably do that about 3 times a day although I'd love to do more.
C.) My errands are usually done outta the area, and since I don't drive OR own a car I usually walk and take transit EVERYWHERE!
...
So if you're ever wondering why my calorie intake is so large, it's because I can maintain my weight at 2000cal a day.
And if you're also wondering why I plan out my meals/food before said day, it's because my ED is mostly binging/restricting. Planning out what I'm going to eat calms me down, prepares me for the day, and it also allows me not to think "What should I eat?", which almost always fucks me over. Grr!
I hope that clears a lot of confusion.
I intentionally don't post a lot of information about me because I'm a bit paranoid that someone I know might find my blog. I'm an intensely private person to people I personally know, so IF anyone finds this blog, I'd be ruined and loose a lot of their respect (and worst of all, their friendship).

I'll post again sometime soon today. I just wanted to blog before I did my chores. Haha.
Anyhoo. Bye bye for now.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

New Day?

Tomorrow is Sunday and also the beginning on a new week, which means another perfect opportunity to start a new plan of some sort. Although I don't feel 100% committed to anything at the moment, I need to keep practicing the idea of structure and restriction. It'll later get me into the habit of losing weight and eating less.
There's a Starbucks near where I work so I'll probably get most of my food there,plus, Starbucks is awesome and their nutritional information is on their website; I can now plan ahead and adhere to it.
I work tomorrow at 6:15am and end my shift at 2:30pm.
I'll limit my intake to 1600cal/day for the week and the next week I'll try 1500, then 1400,1300, etc, until I can get down to 500-700cal a day. :P
For "Breakfast" I'll have a... Grande Soy Cinnamon Dolce Latte: 230cal.
For my first break I'll have a... Bottle of Green Machine Juice: 280cal.
During my 2nd break I'll have... Bottle of Mango Madness: 300cal.
After work, I'll have an Matcha Orange Mango Soy Smoothie: 300cal.
And for dinner, I'll have Udon: 270cal
With a side of broccoli (295g): 100cal
Total: 1480cal
And if I get hungry again, I'll have another serving of broccoli: 100cal extra.
I'll be under my target and healthy.

The past couple of days I was at RM's place. I always spend my days off work there.
I arrived there on Thursday night, bought me dinner, and watched cartoons. Lol.
On friday, we went to the supermarket and got some healthy food, went BMX bike riding with his friend, and even after his friend left we rode our bikes some more. RM got his usual BK fair, and forced me to eat a burger. Gross. Then we watched American History X, and a bit of the Matrix 2. And today we went for BK again (gross), finished watching the Matrix, and then I left to come back home.
All this time away from NS is doing me some good. Although she isn't doing anything wrong, just her presence is pissing me off. All she does is complain about work, and all her negativity frustrates me.
I'm really glad that I'm not going to be living with her anymore. I'll be free of her parasitic dependency soon. Fucking, hate, clingy-ness. Drives me nuts.
Anyhoo, I'm excited to start my new calorie plan. I hope it goes well. Wish me luck guys.

Love, Love!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

21st Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday. August 9! And I turned 21.
I was kinda dreading the whole birthday thing because turning 21 is totally terrifying. At 21 you're considered an adult ALL OVER THE WORLD, and you're no where close to your teen years. You have no excuse to dick around and do shit all, and you're expected to be in school studying for a future career that'll set you up for life, or you're supposed to have a decent job with decent pay.
At least I moved out when I was barely 20. I guess I did something right. Lol.

Yesterday, I worked from 5:15am to 1:30pm. I didn't tell anyone about my birthday and things were going smoothly, but my roommate came down to see me and told everyone that it was my birthday. Most of my co-workers were baffled as to why I didn't tell them about it, and the others were horrified that I was working. Lol. Silly people. A day is a day, is a day, is a day. I don't treat my birthday any differently than any other day, that's just how I am. Anyhoo, it turned out to be a fun shift and they even got the customers to say happy birthday to me. Lol.
As soon as I came back home, I took a shower and got ready to go to my parent's house. I brought NS with me, but I wish I didn't. I've had enough of her, but I knew she wanted to spend time with me that day. Meh.
We had a quite dinner with my parents, and had cake. I was worried about how many calories I was eating so I controlled myself as much as I could and stopped eating when I was comfortably full.
My brother drove us back home, and I quickly got ready to go over to RM's place.
Once I got there, RM and I did our usual things. He made dubstep, and I watched silly cartoons.
The there was birthday sex, then it was night night time after that.
All in all it was an okay birthday; neither good nor bad... it was probably more on the good side because I got to spend it with the people I'm the closest with.

Today, I worked... UGH. Frustrating as hell, but now that it's over, I'm so relieved.

Anyhoo, I work tomorrow then I have two days off.
I'll update some more shiz until then.
Goodnight!

Monday, August 8, 2011

Venting.

Fuck. My. Life.
I'm just so glad to be home from my heinous shift.
Since I don't want to think about it anymore, I'll just give you a quick jist of what happened and then I'll move on to other topics.
I fucking hate my job, I hate the people who live in the neighborhood, I hate customers that come in, I hate where I live, I hate that I'm so tired, I hate that I have to work at a place where I have to be fake and happy all the time. I just fucking hate everything. Sure, I'm being emo about it, but I'm so fucking done with it all. The only thing that's keeping my head up is my vacation that's coming up in 2 and half weeks, and my move to RM's place in October. SIGH!!! I'm so fucking done.

I had to work with my roommate today, because strangely enough we work together in the same store. I'm getting annoyed with her only because she pesters me a lot and almost everything about her annoys me. I need time and space away from her, and this whole move will resolve everything. Hopefully.

Now, I'm gonna think about happy thoughts.
... new job.
... new living space.
... new roommate.
... new diet.
... new body.
... new everything.
... RM :D
... cartoons.
... dupstep.
... sleep.
... freedom from everything now.

AHH! I just fucking hate the world.
I think I need a nap.
I'm tired... and crabby. Lol.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Get A Move On

I need to get a move on with losing weight...
I feel like I'm getting fatter with each passing minute...
I look in the mirror now, and I have no idea who's looking back at me.
I've become such a poor excuse of a feminine girl.
I need to be skinny. I need to be thin. I need to feel the bones underneath my skin.
I need it now.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Back Online

I've been internetless for a week or so, and now I'm finally back online.
I can finally look at my collection of thinspo, watch videos on EDs, use facebook, etc, etc.
I haven't weighed myself in a while, and I'm kind of afraid to only because I haven't been sticking to any sort of diet plan since I last posted. My life is going to change dramatically in October, meaning... I'll be moving in with RM.
((RM, for those of you who don't remember, is the guy that I've been seeing for more than a year now. We not officially together since we both have commitment issues, but we make an effort to see each other at least 2 days a week. He's my best friend, my favourite person in the whole world, my life-coach, my bro-ski; he's pretty much my friend who acts like my boyfriend minus the status/label))
I'll be leaving my current roommate/best friend behind, the north shore, the physical closeness to my family, and almost everything I'm familiar with. Even though the move is only 45 minutes away by car, it's the farthest I've ever been from where I am now. It's a bit scary but exciting too.
I've also just realized something unsavoury in the past week too, and it's how clingy and needy NS is towards me. She cried everyday for 4 days because I'll be leaving her behind in pursuit of my career growth. She's also immature when it comes to handling stressful situations and she's also stubborn when it comes to change. We're both 21, young but at an adult age, and so it's time to think differently. She even said at some point that "being an adult doesn't mean that you can do whatever you want, it's about doing shit that you don't want to do in pursuit of what you want" so why is it that she can't follow her own advice?
I'm glad that I'll be living with someone less needy and emotional, and I think the space and time away from her will be beneficial. It'll give her time to grow mentally, gain her independence, etc.
Anyhoo, yeah. I'm moving with with RM, getting a new job, and starting my art career as a well known free-lance artist.
It took me a long time to recover from the emotional trauma that EC Univeristy did to me (about 2 and a half year) but I finally have the desire to draw and paint again and it's something that I'll try to never lose again.
Oh and since I'll be moving in with RM it'll help with my weight loss journey because I'll always want to look good around him and so I'll be more conscious of my body and what goes in it.
I'm hoping that I'll quit smoking too because a lot of the trigger for smoking comes from my current job.
I believe that this whole move in the beginning of october will change me for the better. I'm scared because it might change things between RM and I but I'm willing to take that chance. If I fall, I'll stand up and try again and if I succeed, I'll take flight and soar till the day I die. It's all about the fight and desire of what I want, because it'll later manifest itself into being and at that point I'll be untouchable and my life will be perfect.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Internet Was Down

Sorry Guys. The Internet was down for a while so I wasn't able to post anything new.
I'll get right on it when I get the chance. Lots of partying at dubstep shows, working, and my birthday is coming soon so I may be MIA for a bit.
Stay strong!
With Love!

Monday, July 25, 2011

I Want In.

The past few months I've been feeling paradoxical emotions towards my eating disorder (EDNOS). On one hand, I love that I'm healthy, normal, living day to day, and enjoying the indulgences of life. On the other hand, I hate what my body has become; normal. Just normal. There's nothing special about it. I actually have lots of problem areas that could use a little work, and clothes just don't look good on me as they used to.
See? Contradictory feelings...
I miss my old ways, and I love my new ways. But the old ways are screaming louder for my attention, and lately I've been finding myself hating what I've become.
I'm still 133 pounds, give or take a few pounds here and there. I'm still 5'4 in height, and I'm still living my life how I want to... sort of.
I want to get serious about my body. I want to be the thin pretty girl with charm and power. I want everyone to look at me and demand my attention. I want my smile to be the prize everyone is looking for. In other words, I want to be back in the game (by the way, for those of you who play the game, you just lost), I want to be skinny, and no matter what it takes I want to be there. Put me back in the race, I want in!
My goal weight always jumps around from 115lbs to 100lbs. I know what's healthy and smart, but my own vanity is dragging me down to those lower numbers and the thought of losing that much weight is daunting. 115 is a good healthy weight, but I want the world to see the power in my spine sticking out of my back, the determination in thighs that don't touch, and the rare beauty of jutting collar bones and ribs.
I have this image of my perfect self floating in my head, but I want her to manifest in the real world and live in happiness.
I'm torn between two beings, and they both offer things that I want... but the being I'm drawn to is the one that wants to kill me. My strength to be smart and logical is fading fast, and the pure euphoric high of an emaciated body is something that I've always longed for...
I want this so bad. Being skinny is something that I think about every day, every hour, every minute, and every second. I need to do this. I hate myself for being fat and ugly. I hate being average and unnoticeable. I hate the feeling of being full. I just hate it! I just fucking hate it...
So what now?
I don't know, but I need to make something happen.
Hopefully through this blog, various forums, and thinspiration pictures, I'll gather the courage to make an effort into losing weight...
I'm scared, and I know I'll fuck up multiple times, but I'm ready for a change and a challenge.
I'm so fucking ready, it hurts.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Bleh..

Soy Mocha- 290cal
Potato & Broccoli- 300cal
Ginger Cookie (large)- 390cal
Steamed Milk- 110cal
Chicken Sandwich- 340cal
Halls Apple Kiwi Sugar-Free- 100cal
Ham Sandwich: 350cal
Total: 1880

Wow, I'm a fat ass.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The Ethereal Nightmare

It’s been a long while since I’ve blogged something, or at least expressed anything emotional.
For the past months that I’ve been away I’ve tried to live my life normally thinking that if I could just live like a regular person my life would follow. My plan kind of worked, but blogging and having some kind of emotional outlet is the only thing that’ll keep me sane and focused on what I really want.
My eating is ‘normal’ most of the days, but during the extra long days where I’m working, running errands, and meeting people, my disorder kicks in and I lose control.
I still want to lose weight; lots of it. That dangerous desire to strive for absolute perfection will never go away; it can only be suppressed with forced logic through a paradoxical desire to be ‘normal’. All in all, I’m stilled fucked in the head and only getting crazier as time passes.
I’m back, but for ill instead of good.
It’s a nightmare; a heartless nightmare.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I'm still here...

...just on auto-pilot...
...stuck in a black hole...
...can't get out...
...there's no one who can save me...
...they all left me...
...i can't live like this for long..
...the sadness will consume me completely...

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

131.7 pounds.

I finally had the balls to weigh myself yesterday. The scale said 132.0. Today it said 131.7. Even with all the binging, I managed to lose weight.

I'm a fucking idiot for falling in love with someone who's already in love with someone else. I'm forever trapped loving RM and I don't think I can ever love another person like this again. I finally understand the true meaning of love, and it fucking sucks... In my heart, I'm always hoping that he'll give me the same kind of love back but my brain knows that isn't going to happen. I wish I can stop feeling that there's a possibility that I'll stay with him forever. I'm cursed to love someone who doesn't love me in the same way back. But the strange thing is, I'm not mad at him; I'm pretty mad at myself for dropping my guard like this. I don't know. The idea that he'll always have unconditional love from me is something I feel glad about because this world is so harsh and unforgiving. no matter how much he hurts me, I'll always love him. I'll always be by his side. I'll always be the one there to listen to his problems... I pretty much live for him now, and it's driving me crazy that I can't pull myself away from him.
Every time he talks to me, I feel like he's chipping away at my soul. I guess this is my punishment for being so fucking stupid and wanting things that are too good to be true.
I also had SI thoughts last night. I wanted to cut myself in the worst way possible because the numbness I was feeling was completely all consuming; as if cutting and feeling physical pain would bring me back to reality...
I'm going to punish myself today for being so fucking stupid. I'm not going to eat until I'm mentally and physically worn out today. My work called, and asked if I could work a little longer today since someone called in sick and I said yes. I need to burden myself with obligations because I don't deserve happiness.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Update.

I haven't posted anything for a while, so I thought I'd just let you all know how I'm doing.
After the whole issue about RM wanting to stop the intimacy, I took the time I had apart with him to really focus on myself. I realized that I didn't need a boyfriend/fuck buddy to validate my self worth, I realized that I should see my life as half full, I realized that I should start thinking about going back to school, and I realized that I needed some time off of work to really clear my head and get everything on my to-do list done. RM and I hung out a few times and each time was nice. I feel like I'm getting to know him as a person more. I still have this fear that we're never going to be an item in the future, but I guess I can only hope for the best while expecting the worst.
I still haven't weighed myself, and my eating during this whole time was awful.
I'm hoping that today and the day before my week off will allow me enough time to prep myself for a water fast.
Overall, I feel like everything is back to normal, but I now have an empty void I need to fill. Since I've realized this, I'm doing everything in my power to not fill it with food, but instead search for unconditional love that I so desperately want.
My desire to be 'normal' is stronger than ever but my ana thoughts are still dictating every moment of my life. It hard to life this way and I wish I can go back to normal with a flip of a switch. But this is my illness, and with any illness it takes time and effort to get better. I don't know if I want to let go of this ED thing. It's now become such a huge part of my life, I don't think I can live without it. It's a sad thought, but I need to know how to deal with it for the rest of my life.
I dunno. My life is a jumbled mess, but I'll eventually pick up each piece and sort it out.
Well, I guess that's it for now.
I'll blog soon. Promise. :)

Monday, January 17, 2011

I'm feeling scared...

I've been having anxiety attacks lately and it's making my life a little miserable.
Just a few minutes ago, I was thinking about RM and the thought of him being in a relationship with another girl. Technically, we're not a couple of kind other than just friends, but ever since he told me that he wanted to focus on himself and stop out on intimacy for a while, I feel like I've been pushed to the side so that he can pursue other girls far better than me.
I was also thinking about my past and how I feel towards my parents and what lend me to resent them. I know that as a child I always felt like I was a burden, even though I knew in my heart I was loved. We weren't well off, and so I felt that I was burdening them and making their lives harder. I knew, financially, they'd be better off without me and their stress levels would've been a lot lower, but they were stuck with me and couldn't do anything about it. I always thought that I was a mistake, or at least hoped that I was a mistake so that my assumptions were right, but obviously they'd never admit it even if it was true. They have a lot of pride and wouldn't do anything to tarnish the picture they project. And as a child, I did a lot of extra curricular lessons, and I guess to some extent, they didn't want me around as much as possible. The thought hurts because this theory could be very plausible. They probably didn't want to deal with me and made me play the piano for hours or made me study alone until dinner time came.
So all in all, I feel that they didn't want me around, because they didn't like me, because I was a burden, because I was a mistake.
How does this make me feel? It makes me feel horrible, unwanted, and that no body would ever want me. I have this fear that I'll end up completely alone and isolated and no one will have the heart to save me from the dark hole I live in. I'm completely terrified of complete isolation; rejection gives me crazy anxiety because I'll be abandoned for being me.
In my heart I know people genuinely love me, but this is tainted with my automatic assumption of people finding me a bother. I guess this is why I'm always careful, and calculate every action I do, every thought I think, and every word I say. I feel like I can't trust myself to be free, to be the person that I am. I give everyone the benefit of every situation because I feel like I'm going to lose something whether it may be my pride, my happiness, my freedom. I'm my own prisoner because of this, and it's driving me half mad.
This whole "me-finding-my-perfection" thing starts with being skinny because I need to know that I'll be visually perfect, and when I'm visually perfect, people will seek me out. I'll have the upper hand and the power of whatever situation I'm in and I'd be the leader of my own game.
It's confusing. I'm always having a constant inner battle with myself and I feel that I can never be happy. Sometimes I feel like I need to go into therapy, but what would that solve? How would that make my life better?
I'm insecure, and I constantly need a significant other to justify the notion of me being unconditionally loved.
The very core of me needs to know that someone in this world loves me. Nothing in the world feels lonelier than feeling like this all the time.
Sometimes I look at RM and think to myself that he doesn't truly give a shit about me, and only act the way he does just because he pities me.
I'm so pathetic. I truly am.
If I were to have one wish granted to me, I'd wish for human unconditional love. Not weight loss. It's love that I truly want whether it's from family, friends, or a partner. Just love.
Is that too much to ask?

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Things Are Looking Up.

Last night...
Work was stressful, only because JK was working. TM, the ASM, has begun to realize how annoying, stupid, selfish, and useless working with the boys is; especially JK. I'm glad she finally understands my frustrations with working, and hopefully she can fix it somehow.
After work, I met up with RM. It was our first time hanging out as 'friends', so I was a bit nervous. I've decided before that I wasn't going to give him any physical contact,do him any favors, tell him intimate things, etc. I was going to be and act as a friend and nothing more.
So I ended up meeting him downtown, and we headed towards Granville Street to walk about and spend some time together. We went to a tattoo shop and looked through the stuff they had for sale. RM wanted to get a piercing and I encouraged him to get his eyebrow done. I tried on a few pieces of clothing and felt/looked super fucking fat in everything. I ended up buying a shirt a bit small for me to get my ass in gear to lose weight. Ugh... I hate being the size I am now. I feel like the biggest fucking fat-ass retard. As I finally bought the shirt, RM was done getting poked. He looked so good, and it made me want him more. I resisted the urge to touch him with everything I had, and we both left the store together.
We stayed inside the shop for a long time and it was getting late. My bus back home wasn't going to run any longer so I said "I'm gonna go home now." and we called it a night. Since he needed to get onto the sky train and my bus stop was on the way, we walked to the same direction. At the place we were suppose to split onto our separate ways, I told him that I'd call him tomorrow (we made shopping plans when we we walking out of the tattoo shop)and let him know when I'm there. He looked at me and said that he'll wait with me at the bus stop and then go home. I said that he didn't have to wait with me and he could just go home since he was tired, but RM insisted, We waited for a few minutes and the bus came. Before I got onto the bus, RM opened up one arm out for a hug. I leaned with my hands stiffly at my sides and I let him hug me; I didn't hug back, Then we said bye and I jumped onto the bus.
He texted me later and said to do him a favour and text him when I'm home and safe. I replied with a monotonous answer.
As soon as I got home, I went onto my laptop and signed on MSN and set my status to busy. I did a couple things away from my computer and when I came back, RM had messaged me asking if I was actually busy. I said that I wasn't and if something was up. He asked if there should be for him to talk to me, and I replied 'no, not really, lol'.
He then said that he felt that I didn't want him around tonight because I was acting cold and not myself. I said that I always want him around and that he's silly for even thinking that.
We talked a bit more and he told me that nothing between us hasn't changed and that the only difference in our relationship is the sex, and how he needed to focus on himself in exchange for the sex. But from what I remember, he told me that he was confused about Lauren and how seeing her smile made him feel confused. So now, I'm a bit confused.
Anyhoo, things are kinda back to normal. Like, 98% back to normal.
And today, we went shopping together, had a really good time.
I kinda like not having sex with him because it's giving me a chance to focus on my body and how I want things done. I can understand where he's coming from. I'm afraid for the point where he wants to pick up from where we last left off and I want to keep the non-sex thing going for my own benefit. Meh.
So, it's getting late, and I have a head ache. I'll blog tomorrow. :)
Night.

Friday, January 14, 2011

NS... Urg.

NS and I had a day off from work yesterday so we decided to hang out and spend some quality time together. We barely get a chance to act buddy-buddy since we're always tired after work or we have other obligations to do. So we ended up getting a pedicure at the mall and shop around. Everything started out great, we were having fun and the day was zooming past us. But as the day eventually wore on, so did my patience for her. I never realized how much she talks, lol, and it's actually beginning to piss me off. All she talks about is her store's manager and how much she can't do her job, her ugly emo boyfriend from work, and her crappy family life and how her sister is such a 'princess' and how her mom's a fucking 'drama queen'. Even though she's a very nice girl, she's so damn negative all the time and it's giving me a fucking migraine.
If it gets out of hand, I'll have to have a heart to heart with her and ask her to stop being so negative or at least not to dump so much negativity on me.
I'm a quiet, private person, but she always clings and talks. Something about it doesn't give me a good feeling. I love her to death and I think of her as family but if this keeps up I'm gonna have to do something to change the situation. Plus, her fucking ugly boyfriend (who's a year younger than her; 19) slept over, and was noisy as fuck when he left in the morning. Idiot. I can't seem to have any privacy at all. And I don't really have a safe-haven since Ryan's being a fucking dumb ass and being a depressed little bitch. Fuck. I don't know if I want to see him tonight because... oh wait, lol, fuck, I just realized why everything is pissing me off. Oh yes, I got my period the other day so I think my PMS is getting to me.
So, change of subject here, I thought I was pregnant for the longest time since I haven't had a proper period in forever; my fault... actually, since I used my birth control pills to skip periods. I can't be bothered with them. They drain whatever energy I don't have and my iron levels which (I can only assume) is really low to being with. I'm actually glad I finally realized that I'm just PMSing. Sucks to be a girl eh? All the more reason to lose weight and not even get them.
Anyways, yeah, Ryan wants to see me tonight and give me my money and stuff back, so I guess I'll have to see him this one last time. Ugh, so frustrating, since I have to see him after work which is around 10:30pm. I'll be fucking exhausted by then. I'll just see him, and then just leave him. I want my space away from him only because I know it'll be super painful.
Yesterday's calorie intake wasn't too bad. About 1000cal. I'm not going to log what I ate yesterday since I'm too lazy. And for today, I had exactly 600cal which gives me another 500cal to work with the entire day.
Bleh. I fucking hate having my period.
There. Done.
Goodbye.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

New Day.

I'm back on the plan and now I'm only going to focus on myself. It's about time I thought about myself without dividing my attention to anyone else.

Breakfast: 1 packet of oatmeal, peaches and cream flavour - 130cal
Lunch: Asian Miracle Noodles - 60cal

Recipe...
- 1/2 packet of 400g bag of noodles: 20cal
- 30ml of Seasoning Soy Sauce: 30cal
- 60g of greens: 10cal


And I have yet to have dinner and a snack...
Snack: @ Starbucks, Venti Skinny Soy Tea Latte - 150cal
Dinner: Miracle Noodles Again - 60cal
But if I get super hungry at night, I'll have an apple to calm my tummy down at 100cal.

Daily Total: About 400-500cal

Peace.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Scream

I haven't talked/texted Ryan(RM) all day yesterday (I figured since he wont be a significant part of my life anymore, hiding his name would be a waste of effort). I don't think I can bring myself to break the silence even though I told him I would when I'm ready. He asked me not to be weird about this whole thing, but I can't help it. Bottom line, he hurt me. And even though he said he's rather die then ever hurt me, he kinda already has by turning me down. I think it's obvious that I truly love him and that I've accepted that I love him with all my heart. I think Ryan is still struggling with his past relationships that still haunt him to this day. I knew from the very beginning that this would bite me in the ass, but did I care? No. Love make you stupid and blind to any of this and I'm paying for it now.
Ryan was in a very deep relationship with a girl named Lauren.... just saying that name kinda hurts. She's absolutely beautiful, and from what I hear, she has the sweetest personality and everything about her is absolutely perfect. Am I jealous? No, to be perfectly honest. This just makes me feel disappointed in myself because I feel so inferior compared to her. I want to be like her so that people can appreciate me and see me as sweet, beautiful, and amazing... Ryan and Lauren were supposed to get married. Let me tell you the scale of how much this meant to him. He thought to himself that he would never marry anyone or have kids because he comes from an abusive childhood and that "family" was nothing more than a word to describe painful relationships. Well, yeah, they were supposed to get married, maybe have kids, and start a fantastic life together... Lauren eventually left him for her current boyfriends and so she left Ryan and ran away to be with her new partner. Did he see this coming? No. They didn't fight, or have ill-feelings towards each other. She just left him one day and never looked back. Ryan was immediately crushed and for the the next half year fell into a dangerous home-bounding depression. He lost a ton of weight by wasting away, and almost died because of it. But he eventually stopped feeling sorry for himself, and he took this alone time to take care of himself and to work on himself as well. Then I came a long a bit less than a year later, interrupted his me-time thing and I guess I got swept away with his charm and personality.
...
I'm crying as of right now because it hurts so much....
The one time I truly realize real love... I get crushed for it.
I guess this is how he felt when Lauren left him...
But, this entire thing isn't all sad. You see... I came out of this a bit wiser, a bit colder, and with a more critical eye. I guess every relationship ending does that to you.
I told Ryan that I'd still be friends with him, but at this point it's too early to say if I'm actually going to make the effort to see him.
I guess my good thoughts about 2011 was all wrong, eh? It's starting out to be the worst year ever... and now I'm terrified for the rest of the days. It's barely two weeks into January... My world is crumbing beneath my feet.
... Help me.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

It hurts...

RM told me yesterday that he was feeling confused, depressed, and not himself lately. He told me that seeing his ex-girlfriend smile confused him, he told me that I confused him, that everything confused him. Even though our relationship was more along the lines of friend with benefits, he treated me really well, as if I was his girlfriend. What hurts the most was the fact that he said that he needed to take a step back from it all and just have time for himself. That's understandable because when we first met,I interrupted his me-time so I guess he's picking up from where he last left off. I wont be able to stay overnight at his place or even go there. I wont be able to touch him or do any sort of intimate act with him, it would be like the first time we met but this time, there's history behind it all.
It hurts.
It really does.
Because this entire time I thought he and I were going to be together for a while. And I have never connected with a person this well, EVER.
I feel so fucking worthless right now. I don't deserve anything, not even happiness, food, sleep... anything.
It'll probably the only thing on my mind all day....
Fuck, it really hurts...

Monday, January 10, 2011

Blarg...

I haven't been feeling well lately, and being on my detox plan was making me feel worse. I should have seen it coming. How could I be so dumb? Doing a detox and being sick at the same time. I probably got sick from doing the detox. I dunno. I guess it just shows you how unhealthy I actually am.
Today I had 1200cal, and if you haven't noticed, my blog is a bit more organized.
I'm going to go to bed early to avoid eating later tonight and plus, I gotta work tomorrow morning at 8:30am. I'm stoked but also kinda worried about how I'm going to plan my eating around it.
I'll have breakfast there during my first break. So I guess oatmeal, (260cal)
Then during my second break I'll go and buy two apples from the supermarket, (200cal).
After work I'll have a work sandwich, (400cal max).
And then when I come home I'll have something around 340cal.
1200cal for the day. Sweet. I'm feeling pretty confident about it.
I'm making it a personal goal to drink more water. I think I had 3 liters today, and I'll keep it up tomorrow.
So yeah, that's what's going on.
I'll blog later.
Bye~!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Work People

I'm really starting to hate my job. It's not the actual tasks that I do that pisses me off, it's the people that I work with that make it difficult to be in a positive mood.
JK - Fucking idiot, drunk, retard.
TP - Nice guy but a slacker.
KC - Nice girl but stupid, air-headed, and unreliable.
PM - Unable to recognize the extra work I do, and always says that I need to improve my performance. (Manager)
AN - Boring, condescending, sassy, and slow.
B - Stands around, does nothing, talks all the time.
As for people who don't piss me off...
SR, MA - Young girls that do their job fairly well.
CS - Nice girl, and really sweet at heart.
TM - Awesome to work with, hilarious, understanding.
Obviously, there are more bad workers than good so it's hard just being there. Every time I work with difficult people I end up looking at the clock and counting down my hours to get the fuck out of there. Plus, stressful days make me wanna binge, it drains the energy out of me, I get physical pain from all the stress, and it just doesn't put me in the right mind set to get whatever I need to get done.

Just recently, KC asked if I could take her shift tomorrow even though, last week, she asked me if I could take it or switch. I said "no" because I hate being there and I don't want to close the store with boys. She called me again and without my permission extended my shift, changed my tasks for the day, and now I'm going to close with the boys. Everything that could go wrong, did. I fucking hate how she could just call around and just inconveniently ruin my day without my consent! I texted her saying that she owed me big time, and I was being dead serious. I'm gonna make her do so much shit the next time I see her. I'm gonna make her switch shift with me the next time she has an ideal shift soon. Fuck, I hate me job. It's making me freak out.

Detox Plan

I've decided to do a detox, (and, yet another plan of some sort) to get a kick start to my healthy way of living. Plus, I think I'm a little backed-up... if you know what I mean, so I think it'll be beneficial for me and my bowels. Lol.
Today, I had...
B: 35g of organic raw almonds (200cal) & 85g of dried pitted prunes (200cal)
L: 250g of frozen peas (200cal) with seasoning (5cal)
D: 35g of organic raw almonds (200cal) & 85g of dried pitted prunes (200cal)
S: Rockstar Lemonade (20cal) SHH!
Total: 1025cal.
Tomorrow, I'll have...
B: 35g of organic raw almonds (200cal) & 85g of dried pitted prunes (200cal)
L: 2 packets of Instant Peaches & Cream Oatmeal (260cal)
S: 2 Apples (200cal)
D: 250g of frozen peas (200cal) with seasoning (5cal)
Total: 1065cal
Lots of fiber and wholesome good foods.
I'm planing on doing this for as long as I can to up to a week. I'll evaluate how I feel, and if I can I'll go beyond a week and aim for another week. After that, I'll reduce my calories, eat more veggies and fruit for as long as I can, until I feel comfortable with my eating habits and lose weight.
Peas are amazing little things. They have so much protein in them, I can go without eating meat if I have 500g of them a day. Plus, 500g is only 400cal and has 100% of your fiber intake. Plus, their cheap and they taste pretty good to me.
So, I swear this'll be my last change in diet. I think I finally figured this out.
I like everything I get to eat, I don't have to slave over a stove, and everything is fairly cheap except for the prunes and almonds. Lol.
Wish me luck. I'll need it.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

So Confusing!

My infrequent posts and failures are from my lack of motivation and self-loathing. Like most of us, our plans are all or nothing, and obviously that works against us when we want weight loss to happen. If we fail, we end up binging or hurting ourselves, and if we stick with our ridiculous-restrictive plans we're going to end up binging sometime soon if our motivation dwindles.
These past few days have been stressful, to say the least. I'm tired of failing all the time, so I think this is a good time to reprogram the way I see my own weight loss and how I go about it.
A.) I need to take care of my body in a healthy way, because I only have one body and one chance.
B.) Eating the right foods is 80% of weight loss and feeling great. This alone is a great reason to start treating my body right.
C.) My lack of an immune system and my body's ability to generate heat is being compromised with what I've been doing to it all these years.
D.) I want to be normal, energetic, strong, sociable, confident, positive, and focused.
Today, I've eaten about 1300cal.
B: Whole Wheat Bagel (210) and an Apple (100) - 310cal
S: 1 Large Hard-Boiled Egg - 70cal
L: Bagel and Apple again - 310cal
S: Sweet Glazed Cashews - 285cal
D: 3 Eggs (210) with hot sauce (10) and an Apple (100) - 320cal
Total: 1295cal
This total amount of calories is 500 below my daily output of calories. So, I'm feeling great about it. I want to lose weight the normal way and feel great about myself doing so.
Tomorrow, I'll have...
B: Bagel and 2 Eggs - 350cal
S: Apple - 100cal
L: Oatmeal - 260cal
S: Bagel & Apple - 310cal
D: 2 Eggs and Apple - 240cal
Total: 1260cal
So, I guess, this is going to be the new me. I'm ready. Bring it. :D

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Do-Or-Die Day: Day 1

I woke up to some horrible construction again. Fuck. Oh well, it was at 9am, and I went to bed pretty early last night. Midnight. It's a lot earlier than what I normally go to bed by; usually 2am or 3am depending on how stressed or distracted I am.
Yesterday, the day before that, and the day before that, and some more days beyond that I've been binging/not counting calories. I'm terrified to see how much I weigh, which is why I'll weigh myself on the 8th if I manage to eat my calorie target consistently till Saturday. My calorie target is about 800-850cal. I'm falling back into my bad habits again. I'm tired of being fat, and tired all the time because I'm fat.
I took a shower this morning, skipped breakfast, and went to the grocery store to get some food for my new plan. Whole wheat bagels, apples, SF energy drink. It all came to under $9. So I had a bagel (210) and an energy drink (20) on my way back home. I'm pretty pretty full which is good, and I started off the day right. 230cal for breakfast, and with a whole food bagel.
Before I go to work, I will have some oatmeal (260), then during both my breaks at work, I'll have one apple each (200cal), and when I get back home, I'll have 2 hard boiled eggs with salt (140). My daily calorie consumption will be about 830cal. Which is, according to calorie count online, 1000cal under my maintenance caloric intake.
I'm tired of giving into food, having no will power, feeling weak, stupid, a fat bitch. I'm sick of it all. I'm going to restrict and make myself who I want to be. I want to be thing, pretty, powerful, command respect, strong. I'm tired of being me. It's time to reinvent myself for the better. I'm going to do it. I know I can.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

FUCK. IT. ALL.

Long story short.
I'm FAT, STUPID, GREEDY, WEAK!

Tomorrow...
840cal/Daily
B: Oatmeal -260cal (Peaches & Cream)
L: Bagel – 240cal (Whole 12 Grains)
S: Apple x 2 – 200cal (Spartan)
D: Egg x 2– 140cal (Large)

Fuck.
That is all.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

So Far So Good

Today, I had...
Oatmeal - 260cal
Eggs - 140cal
Apple - 100cal
Bacon BF-Sammie - 360cal
Chicken Baguette Sammie - 340cal
London Fog - 100cal
Total: Exactly 1300cal
I'm very satisfied with that. Since my BMR is a bit above 1800cal, it makes since that 1300cal is a good eating range for me if I want to lose 1 pound a week.
Work was crazy, I didn't get most of my tasks done, but I tried my best to do everything. I worked with TP and JK. I love TP, lol, but not in that way. He's just fun to be around, and he can carry out a good conversation. JK on the other hand, is totally boring, and I'm completely ignoring him because he doesn't deserve my time or attention. I'm a bitch that way, but I don't want to be associated with gambling and drinking since JK is heavily into that. It's kinda sad actually because he's only 20 and he's in the process of destroying his life. He's practically an old man in the making, and I'm all about being young and doing stupid shit all the time. Lol.
Tomorrow is my day off, which is nice since I can get a few things done and focus on my eating. I'm not too sure what I'll do, but I'll probably bum around home and get a few things done. I should buy food for my roomie since I kinda ate her food. Haha.
Ugh... I'm so tired now. A nap sounds good but I'll wait until it's actually bed time so that I wont wake up super early tomorrow and fuck up my internal clock.
I'm not sure if I want to weigh myself tomorrow morning because I have a small feeling that 1300cal might be too much food for me, but since I did have a lot of BMs today, I'm sure I dropped something.
Anyways, I'll blog tomorrow if I can. TTYL.

Into the New Year... 2011!

I finally weighed myself this morning, and to my surprise I weighed in at 132.3 pounds. I was shocked because of all the binging I've done yesterday and the night before and the night before that, I should be at least 135 pounds or more. Plus, I haven't had my ECA stack which is also another surprise.
I'm 2.3 pounds away from my 1st goal target, and once I'm there, I can finally say goodbye to the 130s for good. I'm feeling pretty good about this. Like I said last year, I have a gut good feeling about 2011 and what it has in store for me.

I ended up spending new years day with RM, hence why there isn't a blog post for yesterday.
On NYE, around 9pm, he messaged me saying if I'd be down to chill with him. I said "yes" of course, and started to pack my things and got ready to head over to his place. He said he was out eating dinner with a few of his pals and he'd be done soon. So, I told him that I'll head for the bus since transit during NYE always gets a little crazy. I shut off my computer, headed out of the apartment, and waited at the bus stop. When the bus came, I texted RM that I was on it, and waited for his response. He then texted me back when I was on the skytrain saying that he's almost finished eating dinner and that he'd be at his place in no time. Anyways, I'll skip the boring part to save you from losing interest. I got to his place and told him that I was there... no response. It was probably minus 6 degrees Celsius outside and I had nowhere to go except wait outside in the freezing cold. It was 11:14pm at this time, super close to midnight. at 11:50pm I've decided that if he didn't show up by then, I'll head back home and just forget about the whole thing.
Midnight came, and I was on the skytrain again heading home. When I was downtown waiting for my bus, I get a call from RM asking where I was. "Grandville" I said, "I'm heading home, it's too cold to be waiting outside". He was confused as to why I was heading back home, but he figured out that I've waited too long for him in the cold. "Did you want me to turn back?" I asked. He said that he didn't want to pressure me into doing anything and that it was all up to me, and of course, because I love him,I turned back to the skytrain and rode back to his place. By the time I get there, it was 1am. I was freezing cold, on the verge of tears because I was that cold, and I was slightly annoyed that I wasted my midnight just waiting for nothing. I didn't even get to make my wish... sigh. RM opened the door to his apartment and had a pretty sad look on his face. He opened up his arms for a hug, I dove right in, and he said that he was really sorry and that he felt bad for taking so long and making me wait. I told him that it was okay and that shit happens. Of course, if he didn't apologize like that I wouldn't have forgiven him.
Later, his friends and I all got high, and when he had a moment of privacy together, RM held my face and gave me a quick kiss and said that he was sorry again.
After his friends left, we watched a movie on his computer, and went to bed at 4am. We woke up at 1:30pm, got some food, watched more stuff, walked about, did our own little hobbies, and went out for food again. I ended up staying there another night, and came home the next morning... So my start to the year was.. good, mostly, with a hint of disappointment. I feel like this is going to be a theme for the rest of the year. Lol.

For breakfast, I had...
Oatmeal - 260cal
Eggs - 140cal
Apple - 100cal
Total: 500cal
I have another 800 calories to work with. So... 400cal for both lunch and dinner.
I'm not sure what I'll have for lunch or for dinner, but I'll probably end up having some work sammies. I could always go to the grocery store and get some apples and some yogurt for lunch and for dinner I could always buy a quick sammie.
Meh, we'll have to wait and see when the time comes.
So, I'll blog later.
Bye bye~!