131.7 pounds.

I finally had the balls to weigh myself yesterday. The scale said 132.0. Today it said 131.7. Even with all the binging, I managed to lose weight.

I'm a fucking idiot for falling in love with someone who's already in love with someone else. I'm forever trapped loving RM and I don't think I can ever love another person like this again. I finally understand the true meaning of love, and it fucking sucks... In my heart, I'm always hoping that he'll give me the same kind of love back but my brain knows that isn't going to happen. I wish I can stop feeling that there's a possibility that I'll stay with him forever. I'm cursed to love someone who doesn't love me in the same way back. But the strange thing is, I'm not mad at him; I'm pretty mad at myself for dropping my guard like this. I don't know. The idea that he'll always have unconditional love from me is something I feel glad about because this world is so harsh and unforgiving. no matter how much he hurts me, I'll always love him. I'll always be by his side. I'll always be the one there to listen to his problems... I pretty much live for him now, and it's driving me crazy that I can't pull myself away from him.
Every time he talks to me, I feel like he's chipping away at my soul. I guess this is my punishment for being so fucking stupid and wanting things that are too good to be true.
I also had SI thoughts last night. I wanted to cut myself in the worst way possible because the numbness I was feeling was completely all consuming; as if cutting and feeling physical pain would bring me back to reality...
I'm going to punish myself today for being so fucking stupid. I'm not going to eat until I'm mentally and physically worn out today. My work called, and asked if I could work a little longer today since someone called in sick and I said yes. I need to burden myself with obligations because I don't deserve happiness.