Scream

I haven't talked/texted Ryan(RM) all day yesterday (I figured since he wont be a significant part of my life anymore, hiding his name would be a waste of effort). I don't think I can bring myself to break the silence even though I told him I would when I'm ready. He asked me not to be weird about this whole thing, but I can't help it. Bottom line, he hurt me. And even though he said he's rather die then ever hurt me, he kinda already has by turning me down. I think it's obvious that I truly love him and that I've accepted that I love him with all my heart. I think Ryan is still struggling with his past relationships that still haunt him to this day. I knew from the very beginning that this would bite me in the ass, but did I care? No. Love make you stupid and blind to any of this and I'm paying for it now.
Ryan was in a very deep relationship with a girl named Lauren.... just saying that name kinda hurts. She's absolutely beautiful, and from what I hear, she has the sweetest personality and everything about her is absolutely perfect. Am I jealous? No, to be perfectly honest. This just makes me feel disappointed in myself because I feel so inferior compared to her. I want to be like her so that people can appreciate me and see me as sweet, beautiful, and amazing... Ryan and Lauren were supposed to get married. Let me tell you the scale of how much this meant to him. He thought to himself that he would never marry anyone or have kids because he comes from an abusive childhood and that "family" was nothing more than a word to describe painful relationships. Well, yeah, they were supposed to get married, maybe have kids, and start a fantastic life together... Lauren eventually left him for her current boyfriends and so she left Ryan and ran away to be with her new partner. Did he see this coming? No. They didn't fight, or have ill-feelings towards each other. She just left him one day and never looked back. Ryan was immediately crushed and for the the next half year fell into a dangerous home-bounding depression. He lost a ton of weight by wasting away, and almost died because of it. But he eventually stopped feeling sorry for himself, and he took this alone time to take care of himself and to work on himself as well. Then I came a long a bit less than a year later, interrupted his me-time thing and I guess I got swept away with his charm and personality.
...
I'm crying as of right now because it hurts so much....
The one time I truly realize real love... I get crushed for it.
I guess this is how he felt when Lauren left him...
But, this entire thing isn't all sad. You see... I came out of this a bit wiser, a bit colder, and with a more critical eye. I guess every relationship ending does that to you.
I told Ryan that I'd still be friends with him, but at this point it's too early to say if I'm actually going to make the effort to see him.
I guess my good thoughts about 2011 was all wrong, eh? It's starting out to be the worst year ever... and now I'm terrified for the rest of the days. It's barely two weeks into January... My world is crumbing beneath my feet.
... Help me.