Sigh, RM...

I haven't weighed myself this morning because I slept over at RM's place last night. And so when I woke up I had water, a breakfast sandwich, my BC pill, and my ECA stack. I didn't want to weigh myself when I got back home because I'd be weighing all the stuff that I put in my body and that really isn't my body's actual weight.

So anyways, work went by pretty well yesterday. I worked with JK and a boy named TP. TP and I get along really well and we always joke around, sing, and say stupid shit all the time. Of course he's gay, attractive, and VERY entertaining; these are just a few reason why we have a great co-worker relationship.
So a very good client of ours came in again today, which isn't a surprise since she's there every single day, and dropped off a gift for TP and I. TP got a Christmas card with $50 dollars in it, and I got a genuine Ed Hardy purse!! That came to a huge shock for me because as much as I hate to admit it, I fucking love Ed Hardy shit (except for his sneakers, lol, but that's a different post). It was such a generous gift, I've decided to write her a very sincere card and I'll add a $25 gift card for Starbucks later today. So that was the good part about work. The frustrating thing that I had to deal with was JK's work habits.
He's a solid worker at our store, and he knows that people rely on him to do a good job. He and I are pretty good at what we do so having both of us in one shift was a huge deal. TP had to count cash in the backroom, so JK and I were on the floor. For 20-30 minutes, JK was taking to some random weird-talkative guy and did nothing whereas I was dealing with costumers and serving them what they wanted the entire time, and he didn't even pull away to even help me. Not only did I get super pissed, it just made me realize that he's not fit to be BF material. It only showed me that he was selfish, lazy, inconsiderate, and brain-dead. Plus, a friend of his came in and started to talk to him too and that just made him stand around even more whereas I did most, if not all, of the work AGAIN.
He finished his shift at 8pm, and TP and I were done at 9:45pm, so JK texted me after his shift ended if I wanted to hang out with him after I was done work. I shot him down obviously and told him that I was going to over to RM's place instead. JK knows about RM and he's such a jealous little bitch about him because he knows that I go over there to get fucked/spend time with them, haha. JK didn't text me the entire night or this morning, so I think it's safe to say that he's either mad at me, or super fucking pissed off that I chose RM over him. Duh, I would. RM is practically my life.

After work, I took the bus downtown and Skytrain-ed it to RM's place. When I got off of the train and saw him waiting for me a block ahead, he didn't look too well. He looked pale, gaunt, and tired... kinda sickly. He's been on a weight loss thing for a really long time now and lost over 100 pounds, and it's obvious that he's developing an ED. He told me that he didn't eat all day, and that he's tired, and the night at we drank a couple of days ago, he puked multiple times the next day and at to be hospitalized at his work-place clinic. I tried so hard not to cry, I'm obviously worried about him because I don't want him to go through all the painful stages of having an ED. It's a good thing he doesn't know that I have an ED and that I was anorexic before. Otherwise, I think he'd be in a secret competition with me and act differently around me.
I try my best to give him non-ED encouraging comments, like "Your hair looks really cool today" or "Your outfit makes you look bad-ass". Sigh, RM is making me worry like a mofo, and it's only pushing my desire to become super-thin even worse.

I'm in a complicated... position, when it comes to my ED. On one hand, I want to be sickly thin and anorexic again, but on the other hand I want to be able to enjoy life's little indulgences, slim, and happy. It's always a constant battle between deciding on what weight I want to be. It's always a struggle between 99lbs or 115lbs. Obviously, my ana-side is begging me to get to 99lbs, but my sane-side is pleading me to be a health 115lbs. This internal battle I have is so stressful, and it only makes my self-loathing even worse. It makes me feel stupid that I'm not smart enough to desire the right-healthy choice. I'm a fucking idiot for wanting to become sickly thin. I guess this is what a post-anorexic person thinks like, eh?

So, this morning, I had 500 calories; 150cal or peanuts, and a 340cal breakfast sandwich. I also had Coke Zero, and a piece of gum. Later today, I'll have a Chicken Baguette Sammie at 340cal, and something else to make my caloric intake at about 1200cal.

That's the end of my post. Quite long eh? I guess This blog is kinda my therapy. It helps to vent and release all this pent-up stress I feel. Bleh...

So, I promise to myself tomorrow morning no matter what because I need to know, and I need to lose all this ugly fat.
Bye bye~!