Holiday Indulgence

The 24th, 25th, 26th, have been 'binge' days for me. This is one of the many reasons why I think the holidays are terrible. It promotes gluttonous indulgence that make us feel horrible into the new year. I haven't weighed myself in ages, I'm scared to see if I've gained all my weight back and more. In the back of my mind, I don't want to start this whole thing all over again, but I know that I need to get something done or I'll become fatter and fatter and fatter, to the point where I'm fucking gross to be around.
The plans to go to the beach with RM is always in my mind, but it's not strong enough to prevent me from eating. I'll need a new thing to think about to keep me focused and on task. I'm thinking about going to a book store and getting some book with ana as the subject matter, like wasted or wintergirls, etc. I want to read them at work, at home, when I'm over at RM's place. I miss reading too, just the act of it is relaxing and it makes you consider other POVs and ideas.
Today, I'm going to make it a mini-goal to eat 1200 calories or less until midnight and start the goal all over again.
I need to prep myself for the new year since I have a good feeling about 2011. I felt as if 2010 was stressful for some reason.
This morning I had 320cals, And for lunch, I had 500cal. 820cal all together. That leaves me with 380cal to work with while I'm at work. I'm so bloated from the past three days of eating I feel like I'm going to be gassy all day. I'll drink lot of water to push the fluid retention, and take caffeine in the midafternoon to boost my metabolism.
I spent Christmas Evening with RM which was nice since my Eve and Christmas morning was spent alone. We ended up getting super high, watching the walking dead, and eating a ton of junk food. I allowed myself to enjoy my time with him because, honestly, I'd rather eat a bunch of calories and have a good time with him than starving and being miserable. I think if anyone could save me from my anorexia thoughts it would be him and only him. He means that much to me, and I'd do anything for him. If he asked me one day, to stop it all, I'd give it my hardest effort to make the right changes. I kinda wish that he would tell me that I'm fat, but every time we do the nasty he always says "You're so fucking hot". It's a very flattering compliment because I don't see myself in that way, but I need an extra kick in the ass to get myself to where I want to be. I can't ask RM for support for my weight loss because he'll think I'm crazy and losing weight just because he's losing weight and that's not the case.
I need to keep reminding myself that my goal is to go to the beach with him.
I also have this vain thought which is me becoming other people's thinspo so that I could be the body of desire instead of me looking at other girls. I wanna be looked at, drooled over, and a goal picture for those who want to be thin. It's such a fucked up thought. The normal part of me is like, "You're gonna be part of the reason why girls are suffering" and the ana side of me is like "Who the fuck cares, you'll be beautiful and strong". :(
I feel insane sometimes because I"m batting myself constantly. I feel like a walking contradiction all the time, and I feel like an imposter because my body doesn't reflect the person I actually am. I dream about the shit that I'd wear' lacey see-through tank tops with a crazy jeweled bra, skinny jeans, studded belt, wicked pumps or high top skate shoes... Ugh, I have this image of my future self and I want to be there so bad. It feels like it's so far away though because I need to lose 30 pounds collectively to be there.
30 pounds in half a year; it's totally doable, but I'm impatient. Lol.
Well, my roomie just finished her shower and I can't have her see me type this. I'll blog later. Bye gals.