I Hate Myself Sometimes...

I guess you're wondering what I did to make myself feel this way? Well, simple, and I'm sure you know what it is too. Two nights ago after I blogged, NS wanted to get high before she went to Seattle to spend the holidays with her family. At first I was a little apprehensive at the though of getting high because I knew I'd have to deal with being stupid, lol, and I also had to deal with the possible munchies. Well, as time went by I did get stupidly retarded and I did get the munchies when I was burning out. So, I ate about 2400cal collectively that day, so I pretty much had double of my caloric intake. I pretty much had the amount of what a man would eat in an entire day. Fuck. And while I was eating, I was getting pissed off at myself and also discouraged at the fact that I broke my plan. I ended up having a food baby the next day, and being extremely bloated and gassy. Also, working didn't make things any easier because feeling like that while working like a frantic idiot didn't mix well with my anxiety. So, I ended up eating a lot of pastries and sweet at work. Just the thought of all those high-carb calories makes me panic. For breakfast today, I had my usual oatmeal at 320 calories, then for lunch I had a chicken baguette sammie at 340 calories, then I had a mixed berry yogurt parfait later in the day at 290 calories. I planned to stop there, but I was tired, frustrated, angry, anxious, and just hating myself which led to more eating at the end of the night. I had in total about 1600 calories in sweets and pastries. So, today, I pretty much had 2550 calories. Again, that's the amount a man would eat in an entire day. Fuck, I'm such a pig!
So when I got back home a bit before 8pm, I told myself that I would go on a water-fast for at least 24 hours before starting a very strict calorie plan in preparation for the new year. Even though tomorrow's Christmas, I'm not doing anything except seeing RM later in the evening, so avoiding food and it's temptation is at it's minimum. I'm already 5 hours into the 'fast' and when I wake up at around... 8am, I'll already be half way through the fast. Lol.
Speaking of the new year, I think my resolution is going to be the same as last year's; to, obviously, lose weight through discipline, patience, and persistence, and to strive for my ultimate happiness whether it may be love, personal achievements, or bringing other people happiness. Isn't that what we all want? Lol.
I'm also going to make it a goal not to drink alcohol on general occasions, but instead, annual celebrations that are important to me; like birthdays of people I genuinely care about, and maybe a few holidays.
Even though resolutions end up being broken within the first few months, it's always worth giving it a shot. I have nothing to lose, except pounds, so why not try again?
Also, I want to get better at skateboarding when the weather permits it, so I'm going to make an effort to do all-nighter skates, or early morning skates. Lol.
I have to many hopes and dreams for the up coming year. The main thing I'm looking forward to next year is going to the beach with RM. I dunno, I guess, spending time with him makes me forget everything about myself and I just focus on him. He calms me down when nothing else will. :D
So yes, those are my thoughts.
I feel better now that I've purged all the guilt onto this post. I mean, i still feel bad about the whole binging for two days thing, but now that I've confessed, I feel like I can move on. For those of you who have difficulties with admitting things in your blog, I strongly recommend it because it lets others know that you're only human and you're trying your best, and it also cleanses you and lets you start anew. Well, that's just my opinion, and I'm sure some of you disagree.
Anyhoo, it's getting late. I'll try to blog tomorrow, but I know for a fact that I'm not going to weigh myself in the morning. Bleh...
I hope those laxative I took will work it's magic tomorrow. Lol. If not, I'm going to be one angry panda bear.
Goodnight~! and stay strong. :D