Okay, Here I Go.

134.5 pounds. Not bad considering that I pigged out when my cousins came to visit.
I managed to eat 1200 calories yesterday even though RM made me dinner, or at least tired too. I picked off of his plate, and let me tell you, this boy can cook. Lol.
It was nice seeing RM eat larger meals now. I think he's either realized that not eating is stupid or he needs to eat more in order to function properly. Sigh, I wish I can switch this on whole ED thing on and off. Like I said before, it's a struggle between being healthy and happy and being happy because of looking thin and being proud of it.
This morning, I had a Diet Coke and an Egg's Florentine from Starbucks at 360cal.
Not bad. I'm still determined to eat 1200 calories, no more, no less. A: I'm able to lose weight off of that amount, and B: this is something that I would like to do over time so that my weight loss and eating rituals become more of a habit later in the future. It's tough sometimes because when I was 'recovering', I told myself that I needed to eat more to become healthier, and now look where it's taken me. I'm fat, self-conscious about my weight and my appearance, I'm constantly avoiding night life entertainment just so that I don't have to drink, eat, gain weight, and look ugly.
If you really think about it, having an ED is so fucking stupid, but on the other hand it isn't because it's all about control and making something happen with pure determination and fear.
I'm going to work today but it's not my usual shift. It's a bit earlier than what I normally do. 1pm to 8pm. I don't know if I should eat both my lunch and dinner at work or eat lunch there and when I'm off at 8pm eat dinner at home. I'll probably get my breaks at around 3pm and 6pm, so I guess I'll eat my meals there and fast when I'm home.
Well then, now that's all figured out, what should I eat there? Sigh, too many choices and decisions to make. It's very overwhelming at times, but I have to do it because it's part of my sickness. This is all I think about. Maybe I'll try to be normal and pick when the time comes, or be neurotic and pick now. Lol.
Meh, I'll think about that when I'm in the shower. I can't really think on a sickly full stomach.
So I'm currently 134.5. Ugh, just the thought of gaining weight makes me want to stab myself open and rip out my stomach. I hate it that much.
On my way back home from RM's place, I was thinking about my high school weight, my ED weight, and my current weight. 115 pounds, 99 pounds, 134.5 pounds. I'm fucking disgusting. I've gained 35 pounds in a year and a half. But to be fair, less than a year of that was maintenance. Go me. Still, that doesn't change the fact that I'm a fat bitch.
I hope today goes smoothly. I took my ECA stack today, so I'm hoping that'll power me through the day. Then after work, I have two lovely days off. I think I'll do some Christmas shopping for my roomie and RM. The only two people that matters to me.
So anyways, I've gotta get ready for work and think for a long ass time about what I'm going to shove in my face. I'll probably blog again later tonight.
Stay strong girls and thanks for the feedback. You guys are a major support. <3