Friday, December 31, 2010

End To A Crazy Year

Today I had....
- Oatmeal: 260cal
- Eggs: 140cal
- Apple: 100cal
- Chicken Sammie: 360cal
- Yogurt Parfait: 270cal
- Coffee w/ Soy Milk: 50cal
- Apple: 100cal
- Udon Soup: 310cal
Total Intake: 1580cal
I'm not too disappointed with myself because this is a bit below maintenance eating for me.

Work was good today. I saw all my regulars and they all wished me a great new year. Work also ended early so now I have time to chill and unwind. I'm not doing anything for NYE since I really never do anything during the holidays. But, I am going to wait until midnight strikes so that I can make my wish. I'm superstitious that way.

2010 was a roller coaster of good and bad.
Jan: I had to deal with gaining a bunch of weight after self-recovery, and I moved into my parents place they're living in now from our old house up on the mountain.
Feb: I quit my old job as a cook at some bakery cafe which also made me gain weight. Lol. My ex-boyfriend and I stopped talking when he moved to Montreal back in January.
March: I was extremely depressed.
April: I was extremely depressed and living in solitude.
May: I met RM for the first time.
June: I got my current job; coffee shop girl. Lol.
July: I worked full-time, got a credit card, my drivers license (learners), my ID card, and pretty much prepped and planed everything to move out.
August: I finally moved out, and lived with SS.
September: I moved in with NS and left SS behind.
October: Lived life according to my desires.
November: Continued to live life happily, and created this blog.
December: I worked, played, dieted, and lived freely. And I still do these things and will continue to live happily for 2011.

I've said before that I have a good feeling about 2011. It's a fresh year for a fresh start. And for some reason, I have a gut feeling that everything will be okay. I'll become thin, be surrounded by people I love, and continue to be my own person and love life for the first time ever.

For the new year, I expect myself to...
- Lose weight.
- Be overall healthier, with healthier thoughts.
- Blog almost daily.
- Continue to love RM and support his needs and make him as happy as possible.
- Apply for school/ Find out what I want to do with my life.
- Paint/Draw/Read/and get back into everything I used to love doing. (I'm suffering for a bit of depression ATM.)
- Reconcile with my family... although I don't want to.
- Find a better paying job.
- Work on my looks; ie. tattoos, hair color, clothes, etc.
- Buy a bed. Lol.
- Make more friends, and continue to strengthen my current friendships.
- Budget more.

I do have a lot of expectations for myself for the new year but one whole year is a lot of time to get everything done. I just hope that I'll love everything about my life and myself because then it'll be easier for me to deal with all the bad things in my life.

Tomorrow, I'll aim to have....
B: Oatmeal: 260cal// Apple: 100cal
L: Eggs: 140cal// Protein: 130cal
D: SF&FF Yogurt: 230cal
S: Apple: 100cal// Oatmeal: 260cal
Total: 1220cal
Obviously, this might change, but I'm hoping that I'll be good.
Ciao, and see you in the new year.

NYE Thoughts

I went to RM's place last night and ended up getting high and eating chips. Man, I can't get high anymore or the munchies will make me gain weight like crazy.
I ate about 1210 calories before the chips and I probably had 400cal in chips. I ate at maintenance level which didn't bum me out.
So far, I had...
Oatmeal - 260cal (Peaches & Cream Flavour x2)
Eggs - 140cal (Nuked, with S&P, x2)
Apple - 100cal (Without Core)
Thank goodness for my kitchen scale. <3
I'm going to eat 1200cal collectively today and continue on with my plan into the new year.
I have two meals with a 350cal calorie allowance.
I'll probably have a Chicken Baguette Sammie at work (340cal), and when I come home from work, I'll probably have another apple (100cal), a whey shake (130cal), and another packet of oatmeal only this time it'll just be one packet.
That'll put me at 1200cal perfectly, then I'll be set for Jan 1st.
I'll blog more after work. Ttyl.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Safe Foods List

I'm going to make a list of all thee foods and drinks that I consider 'safe', so that when I need to go grocery shopping, I can just glance at this and feel comfortable knowing that everything is (somewhat) planned.

Fruits/Veggies
- Apples
- Freash/Frozen Cranberries, Strawberries, Raspberries
- Grapefruits, Lemons, Lime, Oranges
- Peaches
- Broccoli/Cauliflower
- Carrots/Turnips
- Celery
- Greens, Lettuce, Cabbage, Spinach
- Zucchini
- Eggplant
- Tomatoes
- Bell Peppers (Any Colour)

Carbs
- Oatmeal
- Work Sandwich Breads

Proteins
- Eggs (Yolk, White)
- Canned Tuna (In Water)
- Chicken Breast
- Whey Protein
- SF Jello

Dairy
- SF/FF Yogurt
- FF Cottage Cheese
- Low-fat Cheese
- Light Cream Cheese

Condiments
- Chinese Hot Sauce
- Kraft Calorie-Wise Dressings
- Rosewater

Drinks
- SF Drink Crystals
- Coke Zero
- SF Energy Drinks
- Sparkling Water
- Black Coffee
- Unsweetened Teas

Feel free to take my list and make your own list with your modifications. :D

Ho-hum...

Yesterday, I had...
B: Oatmeal - 320cal
L: Protein Bar- 300cal
D: Chicken Baguette Sammie -340cal
S: Protein Bar - 300cal
Others: Two Wafer Cookies - 100cal// Pringles Chips - 100cal
Total: 1460cal
Ugh... I felt so fat that day but I was still hungry... What's wrong with me?! Is my body trying to tell me to eat normally? Sigh, body, don't do this to me. I don't want to be mean to you, but if I must I'll make you suffer and quiver in fear.
I worked, then after work, I went to RM's place and got high. The munchies came to me but I had gum in my mouth so I was okay until RM offered me some chips. Boo.

Today, I had...
B: Breakfast Sammie - 340cal
L: Vegetarian Sammie - 360cal
D: n/a
S: Xyience SF Energy Drink - 20cal// Source Yogurt Tub - 230cal

I'll have to go food shopping today and buy myself a couple of things...
- Yogurt (Fat-free, Sugar-free)
- Cottage Cheese (Fat-free)
- Coke Zero (Obviously) Lol.
- Strawberry/Peach Oatmeal OR Regular Oatmeal
- Instant Low Cal Noodles
- Apples
- Pork Buns (For NS)
Yeah, I know I need to get more stuff but I fucking hate thinking without being on my ECA stack... Ugh...
I'm done. I'll blog later today. Bye~!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Insanity

As soon as I got to work, it was crazy busy. Like non-stop for 6 hours... Ugh... I'm exhausted...
I've eaten less than 1500cals today which is fine with me since I was running aorund like a mad woman trying to get things done. Working at a coffee shop, let me tell you, it's brutal sometimes. Catering to everybody's needs when you're working on drinks is damn frustrating. Also, putting on a happy face 100% of the time really eats away at you.
I had...
B: Oatmeal - 320cal
L: Oatmeal - 320cal
S: Lemon Cranberry Scone - 500cal
D: Yogurt Parfait - 270cal
Total: 1410cal
So I'm 210cal over what I would like to be but like I said before, I don't give a damn. Lol.
I've eaten 'normally' today and that's a comforting idea because I do want to be normal and run away from my anorexic thoughts. I want to have a good time with people I know and eat out every once in a while. I want to feel energized and ready for the day. When I was 99 pounds, I was fucking miserable. All I did was sleep, watch T.V. and counted down the hours until my next meal. I also had insomnia, my long hair fell out in clumps, and the company of my best friends was just pissing me off. Who wants to be an actual skinny bitch. I want to be a skinny girl with a spunky funny attitude. So, this is why I've decided that I'll have 1200-1500 calories on my working days depending on how busy it is, and 1200cal maximum when I have my days off. On "http://caloriecount.about.com" (Calorie Count), it said that if I eat 1505cal a day, I'll reach my 110lbs goal on August 1st. When I was 115lbs, I was swim-suit appropriate, so hopefully going to the beach with RM won't be just a dream, but a reachable goal. Of course, I'll try and stick to the lower end of my calorie intake just so that I'll meet my GW earlier. Plus, if I exercised I'd probably lose more weight, so I haven't lost all hope. And like I said in other posts, this has to be a permanent change, and not a "diet". "Diets" always set me up for failure because if I break my diet I lose all hope of ever getting back on the ana-train. Welcome to a recovered anorexic's mind. The thought of being 99lbs is always going to be the ULTIMATE goal, but for now and the new year, I'll get myself to a lower BMI and carry on from there. Let's hope this thing actually works out.
Tomorrow, I work the same shift again then I have a day off. Whoo! I don't know if I'm going to see RM tomorrow night after work, but we'll see what happens. I obviously want to, but it's ultimately his decision too if he wants to do something or not.
So here's my life's plan simply laid out for you to see...
Total Caloric Intake @ Work: 1200-1500cal
Total Caloric Intake Off Work: 1100-1200cal
Breakfast Time (First Meal Allowence): 9am
Eating Time Cut Off: 6pm (Unless Special Event, ie. Birthday Dinners: 8pm)
Simple, semi-strict, doable, and reasonable.
Anyhoo, I'm pooped, and I'll blog tomorrow. Bye~!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Mini-Goal Complete

Before I went to work, I went to Indigo (a bookstore for those of you who don't know) and I tried to get "Wasted" or "Thin" but they were sold out on both of them. I was a bit disappointed but I could always get them used and a lot cheaper online, so I'll just do that instead.
So after the bookstore, I went to a vitamin shop and decided to get some vitamins that doesn't give me nausea or have a funny taste. They were about $50 but I'm always willing to spend money on good quality health products; it's always been my thing. I mean, that shit goes in to your body and your body absorbs it. I don't want to poison myself with cheap things, so I've decided to get healthy and start taking care of my body with ana-guidelines. Orthorexia Nervosa was the specific type of anorexia I had. I was OBSESSED with healthy foods and products because I was so concerned that my restrictive eating was declining my health, which it obviously did. Because of this, I've revised my resolution; to eat as healthy as I can and to see processed foods as inedible. I owe this to myself because I only have one body and I have to make the most of it. And even though I fucking hate myself a lot of the time, I love myself enough to do this. My body deserves it. No, actually, everyone's body deserves this. People have no idea what kind of poisons they're putting into their bodies, and it makes me sad that they have no idea.
Anyhoo, my future goal is to become a holistic nutritionist and guide others to eat health (minus the crazy ana-rules I have for myself, lol).
So, today I've managed to eat 1200 calories. I've completed my mini-goal for today.
Breakfast: Low-Fat Turkey Bacon BFast Sammie - 320cal
Lunch: Sausage Breakfast Sammie - 500cal
Dinner: Chicken Ranch Sammie - 360cal
Total: 1180cal
I do eat a lot of sammies, but that's because that's all that my work place has and I haven't been grocery shopping in the longest time. Plus, I also get these for free most of the time and so they're just plain convenient and tasty.
Work, today, was work. I felt pretty good in the morning, like positive, and that carried on for most of the day until the end when I usually suffer from a caffeine crash. I need to take more caffeine so that I can crash when I'm home. Lol.
I worked with JK and TP again, the boys. TP always puts me in a good mood, he's a really good kid, whereas JK could use a little work. He wasn't so annoying today for some reason. I guess it's because he doesn't like me anymore, lol. I'm kinda sad that he doesn't like me in that way, but on the other hand I wont have to stress out about it when I'm thinking about RM. RM is going to be the only guy I do anything 'couple-y' with, because he deserves my full attention, he's one in a billion, kind, and deserves only good things in his life. I'm really glad that I'm special to him, even though we're not officially a couple, it's nice that he seeks me out sometimes.
Tomorrow, I think I'll have a Vega breakfast shake and my whey protein for breakfast. It'll add up to... 220+130=350cal which it a comfortable range for me. And for lunch, I'll probably have a work sandwich, and well for my dinner. I dunno, my shift tomorrow isn't my usual shift so I don't know how I'll cope with a new eating time table. Crazy, I know. Lol. OR!!! I could bring oatmeal with me, and have only one work sammie. I'm a genious! Lol. Kidding. I'll take two packets of the maple brown sugar oatmeal which adds up to 320cal. So my breakfast and lunch will put me at 670cal, which will leave me with 530cal. Hmmm... that's a lot to work with... I think I'll add an apple cinnamon oatmeal to my breakfast.
So tomorrow's plan will be...
B: Vega/Whey Shake (350cal) & Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal (130cal) - 480cal
L: 2 Brown Sugar Oatmeals - 320cal
D: Work Sammie?? - Up to 400cal
Sweet. I'm stoked for this. This will be my new mini-goal; to complete another day of eating 1200cal.
Anyways, that's all I have for tonight. I probably wont weigh myself tomorrow because I've noticed that I'm a little larger from the holiday binge eating.
So, goodnight, and stay strong. <3

Holiday Indulgence

The 24th, 25th, 26th, have been 'binge' days for me. This is one of the many reasons why I think the holidays are terrible. It promotes gluttonous indulgence that make us feel horrible into the new year. I haven't weighed myself in ages, I'm scared to see if I've gained all my weight back and more. In the back of my mind, I don't want to start this whole thing all over again, but I know that I need to get something done or I'll become fatter and fatter and fatter, to the point where I'm fucking gross to be around.
The plans to go to the beach with RM is always in my mind, but it's not strong enough to prevent me from eating. I'll need a new thing to think about to keep me focused and on task. I'm thinking about going to a book store and getting some book with ana as the subject matter, like wasted or wintergirls, etc. I want to read them at work, at home, when I'm over at RM's place. I miss reading too, just the act of it is relaxing and it makes you consider other POVs and ideas.
Today, I'm going to make it a mini-goal to eat 1200 calories or less until midnight and start the goal all over again.
I need to prep myself for the new year since I have a good feeling about 2011. I felt as if 2010 was stressful for some reason.
This morning I had 320cals, And for lunch, I had 500cal. 820cal all together. That leaves me with 380cal to work with while I'm at work. I'm so bloated from the past three days of eating I feel like I'm going to be gassy all day. I'll drink lot of water to push the fluid retention, and take caffeine in the midafternoon to boost my metabolism.
I spent Christmas Evening with RM which was nice since my Eve and Christmas morning was spent alone. We ended up getting super high, watching the walking dead, and eating a ton of junk food. I allowed myself to enjoy my time with him because, honestly, I'd rather eat a bunch of calories and have a good time with him than starving and being miserable. I think if anyone could save me from my anorexia thoughts it would be him and only him. He means that much to me, and I'd do anything for him. If he asked me one day, to stop it all, I'd give it my hardest effort to make the right changes. I kinda wish that he would tell me that I'm fat, but every time we do the nasty he always says "You're so fucking hot". It's a very flattering compliment because I don't see myself in that way, but I need an extra kick in the ass to get myself to where I want to be. I can't ask RM for support for my weight loss because he'll think I'm crazy and losing weight just because he's losing weight and that's not the case.
I need to keep reminding myself that my goal is to go to the beach with him.
I also have this vain thought which is me becoming other people's thinspo so that I could be the body of desire instead of me looking at other girls. I wanna be looked at, drooled over, and a goal picture for those who want to be thin. It's such a fucked up thought. The normal part of me is like, "You're gonna be part of the reason why girls are suffering" and the ana side of me is like "Who the fuck cares, you'll be beautiful and strong". :(
I feel insane sometimes because I"m batting myself constantly. I feel like a walking contradiction all the time, and I feel like an imposter because my body doesn't reflect the person I actually am. I dream about the shit that I'd wear' lacey see-through tank tops with a crazy jeweled bra, skinny jeans, studded belt, wicked pumps or high top skate shoes... Ugh, I have this image of my future self and I want to be there so bad. It feels like it's so far away though because I need to lose 30 pounds collectively to be there.
30 pounds in half a year; it's totally doable, but I'm impatient. Lol.
Well, my roomie just finished her shower and I can't have her see me type this. I'll blog later. Bye gals.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Me VS. Me

I was having a hard time fasting today so I've decided to do the smart thing and just carry on with my 1200 or under diet. I mean, a couple days of over indulgence isn't going to hurt me when this whole diet thing is going to be my new life. My healthy-self forced me to do this whereas my ED-self is a bit choked and disappointed that I wasn't strong enough to fast. There's always a battle between the two ever since I've recovered and started this whole thing up again.
I want to be able to function properly and yet lose weight. I want to be able to lose weight and still enjoy some of the foods I couldn't eat before. I know I'm strong enough to make it happen, I just need to do it in a way where it'll become a habit for the rest of my life. Counting calories is becoming a habit already, so I have that under by belt, but I want avoiding bad foods to be a stronger habit than that.
Ugh... It's so hard sometimes...

Merry Christmas

Well, it's been 13 hours into my water fast thing.
I woke up super hungry, or so I thought. When I went to go pee, I realized how dehydrated I was, and so I drank a ton of water and noticed that my hunger was gone. I do this a lot actually, mistake my thirst for hunger. Sometime I just hate to go to the bathroom because I do it so often. It drives me nuts.
So, it's Christmas morning, and I'm alone in my apartment. NS is gone, and I didn't go to my family for the holidays. I'm not too exactly sure what I'm going to be doing the entire day today since everything in closed, but eventually I'm going to make my way to RM's place and spend the night there with him.
So, I'll need to get smokes and coke zero, but I'm thinking a few gas stations must be open so I'm not entirely at a loss here. Lol.
I'm glad that I'm fasting on Christmas because usually people over indulge on this day. I kinda don't feel like I"m in total control, but I'll try to keep myself busy to make the time go by faster.
Well, happy holiday guys, and I'll blog later soon.
Bye~!

I Hate Myself Sometimes...

I guess you're wondering what I did to make myself feel this way? Well, simple, and I'm sure you know what it is too. Two nights ago after I blogged, NS wanted to get high before she went to Seattle to spend the holidays with her family. At first I was a little apprehensive at the though of getting high because I knew I'd have to deal with being stupid, lol, and I also had to deal with the possible munchies. Well, as time went by I did get stupidly retarded and I did get the munchies when I was burning out. So, I ate about 2400cal collectively that day, so I pretty much had double of my caloric intake. I pretty much had the amount of what a man would eat in an entire day. Fuck. And while I was eating, I was getting pissed off at myself and also discouraged at the fact that I broke my plan. I ended up having a food baby the next day, and being extremely bloated and gassy. Also, working didn't make things any easier because feeling like that while working like a frantic idiot didn't mix well with my anxiety. So, I ended up eating a lot of pastries and sweet at work. Just the thought of all those high-carb calories makes me panic. For breakfast today, I had my usual oatmeal at 320 calories, then for lunch I had a chicken baguette sammie at 340 calories, then I had a mixed berry yogurt parfait later in the day at 290 calories. I planned to stop there, but I was tired, frustrated, angry, anxious, and just hating myself which led to more eating at the end of the night. I had in total about 1600 calories in sweets and pastries. So, today, I pretty much had 2550 calories. Again, that's the amount a man would eat in an entire day. Fuck, I'm such a pig!
So when I got back home a bit before 8pm, I told myself that I would go on a water-fast for at least 24 hours before starting a very strict calorie plan in preparation for the new year. Even though tomorrow's Christmas, I'm not doing anything except seeing RM later in the evening, so avoiding food and it's temptation is at it's minimum. I'm already 5 hours into the 'fast' and when I wake up at around... 8am, I'll already be half way through the fast. Lol.
Speaking of the new year, I think my resolution is going to be the same as last year's; to, obviously, lose weight through discipline, patience, and persistence, and to strive for my ultimate happiness whether it may be love, personal achievements, or bringing other people happiness. Isn't that what we all want? Lol.
I'm also going to make it a goal not to drink alcohol on general occasions, but instead, annual celebrations that are important to me; like birthdays of people I genuinely care about, and maybe a few holidays.
Even though resolutions end up being broken within the first few months, it's always worth giving it a shot. I have nothing to lose, except pounds, so why not try again?
Also, I want to get better at skateboarding when the weather permits it, so I'm going to make an effort to do all-nighter skates, or early morning skates. Lol.
I have to many hopes and dreams for the up coming year. The main thing I'm looking forward to next year is going to the beach with RM. I dunno, I guess, spending time with him makes me forget everything about myself and I just focus on him. He calms me down when nothing else will. :D
So yes, those are my thoughts.
I feel better now that I've purged all the guilt onto this post. I mean, i still feel bad about the whole binging for two days thing, but now that I've confessed, I feel like I can move on. For those of you who have difficulties with admitting things in your blog, I strongly recommend it because it lets others know that you're only human and you're trying your best, and it also cleanses you and lets you start anew. Well, that's just my opinion, and I'm sure some of you disagree.
Anyhoo, it's getting late. I'll try to blog tomorrow, but I know for a fact that I'm not going to weigh myself in the morning. Bleh...
I hope those laxative I took will work it's magic tomorrow. Lol. If not, I'm going to be one angry panda bear.
Goodnight~! and stay strong. :D

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Home

I had...
B: Oatmeal - 320cal
L: Turkey Sammie - 410cal
D: Breakfast Sammie - 320cal
S: Veggies - 50cal
S2: Chocolate Turtle - 85cal
Total: 1185cal
Today went well. Work wasn't so busy, which I'm so glad for!
Tomorrow is another day, another chance to lose some more weight.
I'll blog in the morning for my weigh in. I hope I'll lose weight this time.
Stay strong. :)
Goodnight~!

Okay? Meh, No BMs. Understandable.

131.9 pounds.
Figures. I haven't had a BM in a while so this doesn't really surprise me. Plus, I was kinda expecting this to happen because something in my gut told me so.
I'm eating my plan's breakfast; 2 packets of maple brown sugar oatmeal at 320 calories.
I'll have the protein shake before I go to work. I'll have my oatmeal lunch on my first break, my dinner on my 2nd break, and my protein shake again when I get back home from work.
Yesterday I was incredibly thirsty because my ECA stack dehydrated the crap out of me so I'm going to make it a goal to drink 3 liters of liquids today. Since there's a McDonald's near by at work, I'll get myself a large fountain drink of coke zero and drink iced unsweetened teas at work.
I just have to think thin and everything else will come easy. :D
Stay strong girls. I'll update later today.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Afterwork Fatigue & Thoughts

1250 calorie intake for today.
Let me break this down for you...
Breakfast: 2 packets of 'Maple Brown Sugar' oatmeal - 320cal
Lunch: 2 packets of 'Cinnamon Spice' oatmeal - 320cal
Dinner: Tuna Melt Sandwich - 390cal
Snack: Muesli Yogurt - 220cal
So, I'm very pleased with myself. :)
Work was work, always the same with minor differences. Today wasn't as busy as I thought it would be, even though we were busy throughout the entire day.
KM, a girl that I work with, was grumpy and sick so her composure at work was really cold, short-tempered, and unfriendly. It's just her personality, and I don't blame her for being the way she is. She's a sweet girl and fun to be around, but when she's not in a good mood or not feeling well, she can be a little angry bitch. Lol.
So the night went on, and our tasks got done. And all went well.
I'm mentality exhausted at the moment, so things that I wanted to post eariler are now forgotten. Meh, it'll come up tomorrow morning.
I'm nervous about tomorrow's weigh in only because I31.7 pounds is kinda too good to be true. I guess I wont know until tomorrow if I'm actually that weight or less. :P
I need to get myself out of thinking like a fat person. I need to think as if I'm anorexic again, because then, calorie restriction would be easier to manage, I'd be scared of eating again, and getting to my goal weight would be a lot faster.

So tomorrow, I'm thinking that I'll have...
Breakfast: Maple Brown Sugar Oatmeal x2 - 320cal, Protein Shake - 130cal, Total of 450cal: Before Work @ 11:45am-ish?
Lunch: Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal x2 - 260cal
Dinner: Chicken Baguette Sammie - 340cal
Snack: Protein Shake - 130cal
And if I follow this tomorrow, which I will, I'll be consuming 1180 calories.

Anyhoo, I'm gonna go to bed now. I'll blog again soon.
Nighty night. <3

131.7 ??

Yeah, that's what it said on the scale this morning. 131.7!
So either RM's scale was broken, or I was retaining a lot of water, or both. Haha.
I'm over the moon with this. :) I'm super close to my first GW, and I couldn't feel more motivated now.
So, there's no food in the house anymore, safe food I mean. I'll have to go buy some more oatmeal. Thank god it's cheap. Lol.
I'm currently eating 320 calories in oatmeal as I type, and thinking about what I'm going to eat for the rest of the day. It's is kinda making me nervous.
So, maybe...
B: (2 packets of Maple Brown Sugar flavour) Oatmeal - 320cal
L: (Another 2 packets of Oatmeal) - 320cal
S: Whey Protein Isolate Shake - 130cal
D: Chicken Baguette Sammie - 340cal
So that puts me at 1110cals, and technically that leaves me with 90cals to work with.
I'll have to go shopping for food then; more oatmeal, coke zero, and mint gum.
So, I'll update you guys after I'm done work.
See you later. :D

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Back From the Staff Party

Before I went to my staff party, NS came home and I couldn't wait till Christmas to give her my gift. So, we did a gift exchange quickly before I left. I got her a vintage see-through grey shirt with a bare winter tree on it, and I also got her a grey-pink girly top that's tiered and somewhat frilly. They both looked good on her and she looked pretty stoked when she open the box. In return, I got a zippo lighter with my name and a spade engraved on it. Personal, simple, and functional; it's what every gift should be. Lol. I'm pretty happy with my gift because I know it took a lot of thought to give me something like that. I'm not girly so shoes, bags, clothes, and jewelery isn't really my thing. My lighter summed me up very well. Small, powerful, firey, cool to look at (lol, or so I like to think), minimal; I just love it. :D
So I went to my staff party and everyone ordered food without me, which is what I hoped for, and I just had a bottomless diet coke throughout the entire dinner. I think I had 4 drinks all together which is good because cold-fizzy drinks burn more calories and fills you up. Then we exchanged secret Santa gifts. JK got me an OPI gift set with two nail polishes and a pretty rad reusable OPI shopping bag. I'm sure he had help with it, either from his mom or younger sister. Haha. But it was nice, and I thought it was a nice suitable gift for an event like that.
Since one of our staff members got promoted, and is soon to be transferred to a different store, a surprise cake came to the table to celebrate her accomplishment. Of course I got nervous when it was being served since I had the urge to eat it but I already had my caloric intake for the day. I said that I was lactose intolerant so I couldn't eat the frosting that was all over the cake. Actually, I am lactose intolerant but not to that extent, I just can't drink milk from the carton, but cheese and any other dairy product is fine. I was actually quite surprised with my refusal because I have the biggest sweet tooth ever and it was one of my favorite cakes. It was a white cake with fresh fruit on top and the icing's lighter than your regular butter cream. Whatever pastry-like thing is placed in front of me, my will power burns out and I cave in.
So I left when everyone left, came home to NS drinking her homemade miso soup. She saved some for me but I told her that I had a huge burger and I couldn't possibly eat or drink anything at that point. So we had a smoke together instead and called it a night after we were done.
I'm pleased with myself today. I'm hoping that tomorrow will be just as good.
RM and I were talking about going to the beach next summer. Since he's been so over weight most of his life, he hasn't been to the beach in years, and now that he's almost at his healthy target weight he thinks that it's a great idea to go. Of course for me, this gives me another goal to strive for, another reason to lose my fat. So, I'm sticking with my 1200 calorie diet for 6 months and the minimal amount of weight I should be losing is a pound a week. So, 24 week and 24 pounds is the goal. I'll be at the most 110 pounds, which is VERY doable. Like I said before, I want this to be a slow process because I want it to be a habit.
Anyways, that's all I've got for today, but I'll post my weight tomorrow morning.
Goodnight everyone, and stay focused and strong. :D

Still the Same, and Still No Surprise

134.5. That's what RM's scale said this morning. I'm neither disappointed or glad that I've stayed the same. I feel neutral towards it.
Two nights ago, I got high with my roomie and had the biggest munchies EVER. So, I overate and fell asleep. I know I had just about 2000 calories for that day. Yesterday I had oatmeal at 320 calories, and when I went to RM's place we got dinner at BK. I had the Double Whopper JR Value Meal with Onion Rings at 900 calories. RM forced me to eat. Lol. So when I weighed myself this morning, it's no surprise that I lost weight.
Today, when I got back home, I had some more oatmeal and a protein shake at just under 500 calories. And just now I had a pork bun at 250 calories, and a tomato mozzarella sammie at about 380 calories. I picked out the sun dried tomatoes so I'm sure some of the calories didn't go in me.
So I'm standing at 1130 calories, now.
But I have a staff party to go to, but since I already ate and don't wanna spend money, I'll just have a glass of water and just chat.
Well, I'm off, wish me well. I'll post again to let you all know what JK got me for my secret santa gift. Haha. Bye~!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Exhausted Thoughts

So yes, I'm back again. Blogging. It seems to be the only thing I look forward to at the end of the day. Venting, as you all know, is a great way to keep you (somewhat) sane.
Work. Was. Insane. Period.
1pm to 8pm, it was non-stop work. I don't think I've ever worked a busier day. It almost scared me but luckily I survived it.
I worked with the boys again; JK and TP.
Now that I look at JK more, the more I find him so unattractive. He drinks, goes to the casino, spends money, smoke, WAY too much. He sounds like a fucking dumbass every time he opens his mouth, he's lazy, brain-dead, and fucking stupid. I'm embarrassed that I even did anything with him. I've already started to ignore him at work, and I'm actually glad that he doesn't text me anymore. I hope he doesn't like me in that way anymore because I'm not seeing too much effort on his part. Lol. Oh well.
TP, my super-tall, gay, and fun co-worker, is impressing me with his generosity and his eagerness to help me with my tasks. I was so far behind with my shit I was freaking out, then I look over to see what TP's doing and he's doing my least favourite and most time consuming task. Of course, he didn't finish all of it because he had other things to do, but the thought of it was nice. Too bad JK isn't like that. JK should learn a few things from TP.
JK is a joke. Lol. Pun slightly intended.
My caloric intake for the day, so far, has been super great. I had...
- Starbucks Egg Florentine: 360cal
- Whey Protein Shake: 130cal
- Chicken Baguette Sammie: 340cal
- Another Chicken Baguette Sammie: 340cal
So that all adds to... 1170 calories! If I don't eat anything tonight, then I've completed my daily goal. Woohoo!
Tomorrow and the day after that are my days-off. I think I'll go Christmas shopping for NS(my roomie) and RM. They both need clothes badly. Lol. NS needs a nice expensive shirt because she's the type of girl who loves 'Guess', stuff from 'Aritzia', 'Bebe', etc. The higher end stuff, but she can't afford it most of the time unless things are on sale. So I'll get her a nice shirt that's super girly but edgey at the same time. And for RM, he lost a lot of weight since I've known him and all of his shirts fit kinda funny, so I'll get him his first men's small flannel top. As for everyone else, I think I'll just write some cards because I'm poor and I can't afford everyone's gifts on the wage I'm making.
I've also decided that I'm not going to visit my family for Christmas, and instead spend it by myself. I know it's a selfish thing to do but after what happened between my brother, cousins, and I, I don't think I'd be able to handle anything family-related too well. Plus, I don't have a desire to see them at all. I just don't feel like I belong in that family.
Long story short, I was mildly beaten by my parents and severely abused and bullied by my brother so I can't trust my family with anything. This made me spiral into a self-loathing mindset which made me turn anorexic because I wanted to be perfect, and fat people are never perfect. Lol. So yeah, that's me. Sometimes all my issues overwhelm me, and since I only depend on myself, I get panic attacks if I can't deal with an issue or a problem very well. I don't ask anyone for help or support from people I know personally because I can't trust them no matter how hard I try. I live as if I'm isolated from everyone, yet I'm sociable, friendly, and considered a genuine person.
I guess that's it for the day. I'm tired and I want to dick around on the internet. Lol. Bye~!

Small Little Edit: Lol. Got the munchies and ate 400 calories. But I'll eat 800 calories tomorrow to balance this out. Lol.

Okay, Here I Go.

134.5 pounds. Not bad considering that I pigged out when my cousins came to visit.
I managed to eat 1200 calories yesterday even though RM made me dinner, or at least tired too. I picked off of his plate, and let me tell you, this boy can cook. Lol.
It was nice seeing RM eat larger meals now. I think he's either realized that not eating is stupid or he needs to eat more in order to function properly. Sigh, I wish I can switch this on whole ED thing on and off. Like I said before, it's a struggle between being healthy and happy and being happy because of looking thin and being proud of it.
This morning, I had a Diet Coke and an Egg's Florentine from Starbucks at 360cal.
Not bad. I'm still determined to eat 1200 calories, no more, no less. A: I'm able to lose weight off of that amount, and B: this is something that I would like to do over time so that my weight loss and eating rituals become more of a habit later in the future. It's tough sometimes because when I was 'recovering', I told myself that I needed to eat more to become healthier, and now look where it's taken me. I'm fat, self-conscious about my weight and my appearance, I'm constantly avoiding night life entertainment just so that I don't have to drink, eat, gain weight, and look ugly.
If you really think about it, having an ED is so fucking stupid, but on the other hand it isn't because it's all about control and making something happen with pure determination and fear.
I'm going to work today but it's not my usual shift. It's a bit earlier than what I normally do. 1pm to 8pm. I don't know if I should eat both my lunch and dinner at work or eat lunch there and when I'm off at 8pm eat dinner at home. I'll probably get my breaks at around 3pm and 6pm, so I guess I'll eat my meals there and fast when I'm home.
Well then, now that's all figured out, what should I eat there? Sigh, too many choices and decisions to make. It's very overwhelming at times, but I have to do it because it's part of my sickness. This is all I think about. Maybe I'll try to be normal and pick when the time comes, or be neurotic and pick now. Lol.
Meh, I'll think about that when I'm in the shower. I can't really think on a sickly full stomach.
So I'm currently 134.5. Ugh, just the thought of gaining weight makes me want to stab myself open and rip out my stomach. I hate it that much.
On my way back home from RM's place, I was thinking about my high school weight, my ED weight, and my current weight. 115 pounds, 99 pounds, 134.5 pounds. I'm fucking disgusting. I've gained 35 pounds in a year and a half. But to be fair, less than a year of that was maintenance. Go me. Still, that doesn't change the fact that I'm a fat bitch.
I hope today goes smoothly. I took my ECA stack today, so I'm hoping that'll power me through the day. Then after work, I have two lovely days off. I think I'll do some Christmas shopping for my roomie and RM. The only two people that matters to me.
So anyways, I've gotta get ready for work and think for a long ass time about what I'm going to shove in my face. I'll probably blog again later tonight.
Stay strong girls and thanks for the feedback. You guys are a major support. <3

Saturday, December 18, 2010

...Sigh... Fuck Everything

I visited my family today, again, and things got a little intense during the end.
I went back to my parent's place at 11:30am and planned on staying until the early evening, then I was planning on going to RM's place to relax and unwind.
So, at 11:30am we (me, my two cousins, my older brother, my aunt, my mom, and my dad) all had lunch at home. My cousins, brother and I looked at when "Tron" was playing downtown. The 3:45pm showing was the one that we planned on seeing.
On the drive to Metrotown Mall, I said that I was going to RM's place to spend the night there. We've been texting back and forth and I was really looking towards seeing him because being with my family makes me want to die, they just know how to make me feel super depressed without even trying. My older cousin started saying "We drove all the way over to Vancouver, went through so much trouble, etc, and you don't want to spend time with us? We didn't even get to see you when your parents came down to Seattle. You can also see RM any day of the week. How often do you get to see us and spend time with us? We're family, and we should be spending more time like this because once we're all older when will we ever have the chance to do this?" then I said something along the lines of "First of all, no one told me that mom and dad were going to Seattle during thanksgiving, I found out the day I called them when I was coming for a visit and they were like 'oh, we're already going towards the boarder'. I'm going to spend as much time as I can with you guys before Transit stops running, so I'll be with you for a long time, I'm not trying to run away. I want to spend time with you guys and RM.". My older cousin then said "We came to see you, so you should see him another time. Sleepover at your parents' place, etc' and then I said "I don't like spending too much time at mom and dad's house because it's not my home, I don't feel comfortable being there. I couldn't sleep last night, so what going to make tonight different?". So this went on and on and on, and it escalated into an intense conversation about how I'm selfish and see who I want to see, I have no respect for family, etc. I said that I felt uncomfortable being at mom and dad's place because I have a different home, I don't feel loved by anyone, how I know that I'm selfish and moving out was my only escape from all the hell I've been living with. Obviously, there's more detail involved but for your sake I'm going to keep it short.
So, this conversation made everyone yell at me, I ended up crying, then everyone ended up crying. They kept telling me that I was lucky because not just any family could love as much as ours, that I'm fortunate to live in a privileged part of the world, that I should be glad that my up bringing was good, blah, blah, blah.
I told them that I had more issues than just the family issue, that I'm struggling with various personal issues that have nothing to do with family, and that I wasn't comfortable talking about it with anyone. I told them that I moved out to escape all of this and that it was the only thing that kept me sane.
We arrived at the movies, things calmed down by then, we watched Tron, drove back to my parent's place, ate dinner, and I passed out on the couch.
As soon as I woke up, they were all bothering me to sit with them and talk around the dinner table, when in my mind I just wanted to just go home and sleep.
After the whole car ride to the movies, my depressive thoughts came flooding back to me. Before, I never cried and it was hard to make myself cry, and now I just want to cry all the time.
My mom also found out that I smoke because she fucking went through my purse, and that made me want to cry some more. I just feel like the biggest failure and the biggest disappointment. I don't deserve anything at all, not even happiness. I'm a fucked up worthless person, not even worth knowing. I don't deserve the happiness I currently have, or the life I live.
I just want to die and just leave this all behind.
I fucking hate my life, and I hate my family. Why can't they just leave me alone and let me do whatever I want? I know they 'love' me, but do they actually care about how I feel? Do they truly love the person I've become? Or do they love me because I'm just their flesh and blood? WTF is family anyway? That word means nothing to me. I rather have no family.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Not Too Happy/ But, 134.3?

134.3 pounds. I was kinda expecting this to happen.
My cousin's came earlier than I had excepted. They came at 11pm, and then they called me at midnight to let me know they were here. And they came to pick me up and so I stayed up with them until 4am.
They don't know that I smoke so I didn't bring my cigarettes with me, so I ended up binging on candy my brother bought, and that's why I said that I wasn't surprised to see the weight that I am. Oh well, as long as I'm under 135 pounds then I'm still on the right track. Gotta think positive right?
God, my family is so fucking Asian, I can't stand being around them. All their mannerisms piss me off, and it's one of the reasons why I moved out; so I can escape all this bullshit.
UGH!!!!
I'm not going to spend too much time with them, I just don't give a shit anymore.
Fuck.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Resting Time

Now that I've finished work for the day, I have my two days off. Sweet. :D
And I've managed to eat 1200 calories today. No bad, if I do say so myself.
I worked at 4pm and ended at 9:45pm so the day wasn't too stressful.

Tomorrow, I need too do a few things.
- Laundry
- Christmas Shopping
- Buy Coke Zero, Oatmeal, Fruit?, and Gum.
- Visit Family, FML!
- Ask RM for Sleepover?
- Get MKOT from Store.
- Get Staff Secret Santa Gift?

I'm tempted to go over to RM's place tomorrow night and say to my family that I have to work on Saturday. But, I might just bare it all and just visit them for the entire day. Ugh... I don't want my two days off to be with people I don't want to be around. That's like being at work! Lol.
So yeah, I'm going to take it easy tonight.
And I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow.

And for those of you who commented on my posts, thank you for your feedback and support. :D And for everyone else, thank you for reading and taking interest in my words.

Goodnight~! Stay Strong.

Sigh, RM...

I haven't weighed myself this morning because I slept over at RM's place last night. And so when I woke up I had water, a breakfast sandwich, my BC pill, and my ECA stack. I didn't want to weigh myself when I got back home because I'd be weighing all the stuff that I put in my body and that really isn't my body's actual weight.

So anyways, work went by pretty well yesterday. I worked with JK and a boy named TP. TP and I get along really well and we always joke around, sing, and say stupid shit all the time. Of course he's gay, attractive, and VERY entertaining; these are just a few reason why we have a great co-worker relationship.
So a very good client of ours came in again today, which isn't a surprise since she's there every single day, and dropped off a gift for TP and I. TP got a Christmas card with $50 dollars in it, and I got a genuine Ed Hardy purse!! That came to a huge shock for me because as much as I hate to admit it, I fucking love Ed Hardy shit (except for his sneakers, lol, but that's a different post). It was such a generous gift, I've decided to write her a very sincere card and I'll add a $25 gift card for Starbucks later today. So that was the good part about work. The frustrating thing that I had to deal with was JK's work habits.
He's a solid worker at our store, and he knows that people rely on him to do a good job. He and I are pretty good at what we do so having both of us in one shift was a huge deal. TP had to count cash in the backroom, so JK and I were on the floor. For 20-30 minutes, JK was taking to some random weird-talkative guy and did nothing whereas I was dealing with costumers and serving them what they wanted the entire time, and he didn't even pull away to even help me. Not only did I get super pissed, it just made me realize that he's not fit to be BF material. It only showed me that he was selfish, lazy, inconsiderate, and brain-dead. Plus, a friend of his came in and started to talk to him too and that just made him stand around even more whereas I did most, if not all, of the work AGAIN.
He finished his shift at 8pm, and TP and I were done at 9:45pm, so JK texted me after his shift ended if I wanted to hang out with him after I was done work. I shot him down obviously and told him that I was going to over to RM's place instead. JK knows about RM and he's such a jealous little bitch about him because he knows that I go over there to get fucked/spend time with them, haha. JK didn't text me the entire night or this morning, so I think it's safe to say that he's either mad at me, or super fucking pissed off that I chose RM over him. Duh, I would. RM is practically my life.

After work, I took the bus downtown and Skytrain-ed it to RM's place. When I got off of the train and saw him waiting for me a block ahead, he didn't look too well. He looked pale, gaunt, and tired... kinda sickly. He's been on a weight loss thing for a really long time now and lost over 100 pounds, and it's obvious that he's developing an ED. He told me that he didn't eat all day, and that he's tired, and the night at we drank a couple of days ago, he puked multiple times the next day and at to be hospitalized at his work-place clinic. I tried so hard not to cry, I'm obviously worried about him because I don't want him to go through all the painful stages of having an ED. It's a good thing he doesn't know that I have an ED and that I was anorexic before. Otherwise, I think he'd be in a secret competition with me and act differently around me.
I try my best to give him non-ED encouraging comments, like "Your hair looks really cool today" or "Your outfit makes you look bad-ass". Sigh, RM is making me worry like a mofo, and it's only pushing my desire to become super-thin even worse.

I'm in a complicated... position, when it comes to my ED. On one hand, I want to be sickly thin and anorexic again, but on the other hand I want to be able to enjoy life's little indulgences, slim, and happy. It's always a constant battle between deciding on what weight I want to be. It's always a struggle between 99lbs or 115lbs. Obviously, my ana-side is begging me to get to 99lbs, but my sane-side is pleading me to be a health 115lbs. This internal battle I have is so stressful, and it only makes my self-loathing even worse. It makes me feel stupid that I'm not smart enough to desire the right-healthy choice. I'm a fucking idiot for wanting to become sickly thin. I guess this is what a post-anorexic person thinks like, eh?

So, this morning, I had 500 calories; 150cal or peanuts, and a 340cal breakfast sandwich. I also had Coke Zero, and a piece of gum. Later today, I'll have a Chicken Baguette Sammie at 340cal, and something else to make my caloric intake at about 1200cal.

That's the end of my post. Quite long eh? I guess This blog is kinda my therapy. It helps to vent and release all this pent-up stress I feel. Bleh...

So, I promise to myself tomorrow morning no matter what because I need to know, and I need to lose all this ugly fat.
Bye bye~!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Scattered Thoughts, Events, Issues.

So, I've been on and off of the diet wagon for the past few days. I guess the stress of everything is finally catching up to me. I haven't weighed myself, but yesterday and hopefully today will give me the courage to weigh myself tomorrow.

I just learned last week that my cousins are coming to visit my parents and my brother in a few days, and I'm expected to be there as well. The thing is, I'm not a family oriented person, so their visit doesn't mean anything to me, but they're excepting me there because we used to be really close when I was younger. They always have something to say about my weight, if I lost or gained, and it seems to be the only focus they have for me. Plus, they're all super goal oriented and focused of my "break" from university. I don't want them to dissect everything about me, and I just want to be left alone. I'll probably come up with a lie and say that I'm working early/late on they days they visit. I'll visit them for a couple hours because that's probably all I can take from them.

Work is work, and JK still likes me. I found out that he's my secret santa for my company's staff party. Lol. I'm curious to see what he'll get me.

And just today I asked RM if I could go over to his place tonight. I know I'll be bored after work so going to his place will give me something to go. Plus, it'll also give me something to look forward to all day today. :D
I'm pretty stoked. I love being with him, he makes me feel so calm and stress free. I love cuddling up to him, and the conversations we have are pretty funny. And sleeping next to him is so easy because I'm so comfortable around him.
I'm also looking forward to a night of good sleep because there's been some crazy construction going on at my place and it's driving me nuts. And all this stress is making me want to eat. Lol.

So yeah, sorry about not blogging more frequently. It's just been crazy stressful for the past few days.

I'll try to blog tomorrow, and let you ladies know what's happening.
Thanks for the support too. Best of luck to all of you.

Bye~!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

FML...

So I fucked up yesterday so I didn't weigh myself this morning. It's terrifying to think about it actually. Today, I ate my planned amount of calories and now I'm just chewing on gum and drinking coke zero. I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning no matter what because I NEED to lose weight. Like, there isn't another option for me. Being fat in the future actually scares me; I don't want weight related health issues when I'm older. I just want to be normal but towards the thin side, so minimally underweight. Lol.
So, I'm going to end this here. No point in this blog without weight and calories. Fuck. I'm out.
Till next time. FML.

Friday, December 10, 2010

A Stupid Confession

I got high last night when I went over my calorie intake.
I thought I could beat the munchies, but I was tired, frustrated, and just plain hungry. Lol, damn the munchies.
So, I went over by a lot; so much that I couldn't step on the scale this morning. So I'm going to be good today and weight myself tomorrow and see where I stand.

I ate breakfast today at around 390 calories, so I have another 400 calories for lunch and dinner.
I go to work at 4pm so I'll eat before I go, and then I'll have something during work.
JK is working today, which is something I have mixed feelings about. I like spending time with him in a non-work area because then we're not co-workers but friends.
I dunno, I hope today goes well. I really need to get my shit together.
This little slip up can't be the end of me. I've been pretty good this month so far and I intend to keep it that way.

Wish me luck. I'll blog after work.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Kinda On Plan?

So, instead of my 1190 calorie intake, it's actually at 1640 at the moment.
I had...
- 2 packets of plain oatmeal: 220cal
- Protein Shake: 130cal
- Spinach, Egg, Cheese, Sammie: 390cal
- Coffee with Soy Milk: 50cal
- Chicken Baguette Sammie: 340cal
- Turkey Bacon Sammie: 320cal
- Mini Cinnamon Roll: 190cal
Total: 1640cal
I guess I got too hungry between my lunch and dinner so I binge a bit on stuff we had a home. Bleh. I feel fat and I'm regretting that my will power dwindled a little. I knew that this would happen because I always overeat on my days off. I guess I need structure in my day, like work, to keep me on track.
I'm not too mad at myself because this whole thing is a learning process for me, and I did walk a lot today doing errands and junk.
Plus, my calorie intake for the past few days were kinda low so I'm hoping this'll trick my body and make me lose more weight when I'm back on the wagon tomorrow.
Two pounds in two days is a bit much, so I'm a little concerned my muscles are wasting away.
I'll figure this all out soon, and have it down in no time.
I'm proud that I've collectively lost about 5 pounds since this entire thing started. It's been a while since I've actually stuck to a plan. So I'm proud of losing what I did.
So, I hope tomorrow will be better. I'm sure of it.
Goodnight~!

Wow. :D

132.0 pounds.
I guess my hard work is paying off, despite the fact that I'm on my period and I haven't had a good BM in a while. Sweet. I'm more than pleased. 2 pounds in two days. That's amazing. I feel like I'm on top of the world.

So it's my day off today. I woke up fairly early, and weighed myself. I ate breakfast; 2 regular oatmeal packets and a whey protein isolate shake at 350 calories.
My goal nowadays is to score between 1100-1200 calories a day. That way I can still enjoy eating without compromising my social life, and I get to lose weight gradually and maintain a healthy habit for the rest of my life. I hate to admit it, but I like to eat and I love food. :P
I took a shower after breakfast, made myself look pretty (to the best of my abilities), went to London Drugs and bought myself some tampons, coke zero, and a pack of cigarettes. Later today I have to visit my mom to pick up a gift that my cousin sent me, drop of some Starbucks coffee at the same time, and go to Save-On-Foods to get some more bleach and peroxide. I'm stoke on getting my hair white now. It's been brassy for the past couple of days so I'm excited to get it to where I want it to be.

At 2pm I'm going to have lunch; an English muffin sandwich with cheese, egg, and spinach at about 390 calories. That'll put me at 740 calories, giving me about 460 calories to work with at dinner time. And I'll probably have a different muffin sandwich (320) when I get home with probably another protein shake. That'll put me at 1190 calories. Sweet. :D

I guess that's it for today.
Bye girls!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Bleh...

Haven't weighed myself in 2 days. Kinda sucks because I've been restricting my calories to a decent level. I've been staying over at RM's place for the past to nights. The first visit was a 'I haven't seen you for a while, I miss you, and you finally got your phone fixed' visit, and the second visit was a 'RM's sick, and I don't want him to be alone and feeling like sick' visit. Those nights were good, actually, great. I didn't realize how much I've missed him until I was on transit going towards his place. I've missed his voice, his touches, his cuddles, and his goofy personality. I felt like I was home when I stepped into his place. But I'm also glad that I'm finally back home and just relaxing. I've been going straight to his place right after work so even though it's been great, it's been also exhausting as well.

Work was alright. The usual. Nothing's been really out of the ordinary so things haven't been too stressful. I did get my period the other day though, so I'm in pain, well as physically tired. Tomorrow's my day off so I'm going to take it easy, do some chores, visit my mom and bleach my hair again.

So yeah, that's what happened the past couple of days.
Oh, and my roommate brought cinnamon buns from cobs bread today, and she offered them to me. Even though I still have the mentality to eat a lot, I said that I wasn't hungry and I was too tired to eat them. Haha. So, I guess my obsessive calorie counting and eating mostly savoury things put me in a new habit. Lets see how long this goes. I can kinda feel my willpower dwindling. Maybe it's because I'm too tired now. I'm just burnt-out from working and socializing too much. Lol.

I'm kinda worried that my period is going to fuck up my weight loss even though I've been really good so far. Water retention is a big deal when I'm on my period. I kinda feel already bloated from it. So, I told myself that if I gained or stayed the same, tomorrow morning, then it's due to my body being stupidly-girly. I'm just scared that it's going to smash my will to nothing and I'll lose control. I guess If I keep telling myself this, I'll be prepared for it. After all, persistence and patience are the only things that are going to get me to where I want to me.

So, I'll wrap it up here.
Thanks everyone for reading and taking the time to listen to my thoughts. It means a lot to me.
I'll blog tomorrow morning about my weigh-in.
Goodnight, and stay strong.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Day-Long Stand-Still

So, 134.1 pounds.
I lost 0.1 pounds. Lol. Yay me? I kinda fucked up yesterday though, so I'm not surprised that I didn't lose a decent amount of weight. I'm actually glad I lost something; it's a heck of a lot better than gaining any amount. I'm still heading in the right direction.
Yeah, I was doing really well yesterday day until I got home from work. I was tired, sick of being tired, grumpy, and stressed out. I needed something to make me feel calm, and I used food to do the trick. So, I learned that I comfort eat to some degree, but that's changing. I'm using hunger-pains as the only signal to eat before 7pm, and I when the feeling's gone I stop eating or at least try to. Intuitive eating, it's a great way to listen to your body and actually give it what it needs.

My roommate got a bed from her hair-dresser for free yesterday. We assembled it with gusto, and pretty much had the best sleep in weeks. It's a little weird that we share a bed, but c'mon. If anyone were to be in my shoes, they'd do the same. Before, we were sleeping on cheap-foam from some budget furniture store, and sleeping on it gave me insomnia and back pains. But now, I feel so much happier from sleeping on a decent bed!
With that said, my manager called me in this morning because he fucked up on scheduling again. Lol, so I had to come in a lot earlier and save the day pretty much. The day went by fairly quickly considering that it was a mid-shift.

JK had the day off, but he came to visit me after work which was sweet of him. He actually didn't drive, but took the bus instead. He's so sweet sometimes. I felt kinda special when he told me that he bused.
We didn't hang out for too long because I wanted to come home and just unwind. So, I got some food; chicken udon soup and a carb-free monster. Yum. It made me really full which was nice.
I'm at 1200-1300 calories today? I hope that I can lose weight with this amount of calories. Considering that I ate a lot yesterday and managed to lose 0.1 pounds, I think the amount I ate today should be enough to shift a bit a weight. Plus, I took a decent size BM today, so I'm hoping that'll do something. Lol.

Now I'm home, comfy and happy.
I hope tomorrow'll go better.
I work at 2:45pm, and I'm stoked on sleeping in. :D
Anyways, I want to thank all my followers and readers for listening/reading to what I have to say. It feels nice to be heard. :P

So, goodnight to all of you, and stay strong.
Weight loss is possible, you just have to be persistent about it and accept a few slip-ups every now and then. In the long run, one regretful binge isn't going to kill you as long as you let it go, accept it, and try to avoid it from happening the next time.
It's all about how you handle it.
Anyways, take care everyone.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Good, that's better.

134.2 pounds.
I lost a pound in one day. Good, things are going in the right direction. And the weird thing is, I ate "normally" and still lost weight. Strange, eh? I guess all my ana thoughts are pushing me to believe that I have to eat... like 100 calories a day to lose a wee bit of weight. Oh well, sweet. :D

So yesterday was my day off, and I woke up at around 2pm, with stirring here and there. It was a restful sleep, which was what I needed this week. I ended up going to Starbucks and meeting a good friend there. We went shopping around the mall for 4 hours, and then by the time it was around 6pm, I went home and took a power nap and waited for JK to finish work.
So he texted me when he ended his shift, and called me to come down and meet him there. We went for dinner at Cactus Club, and of course I had a spinach salad with copeous amounts of diet coke. Yum. I couldn't finish my salad because I was ready to pop half they through the damn thing. Lol.
So when the bill came, I dug for my debit card. But as soon as I found it, K had already paid for our entire meal. $50! Jesus. And I know he doesn't have money to spend, so I thanked him and called him an idiot and we went to my place to chill.
My roomie had her date over, so we all sat in the living room, talked, and had a few drinks. By the end of the night, I motioned JK to go to the bedroom, and we innocently did things... Yes. :D
But it didn't last too long since he had to catch his last bus, and it was getting pretty cold and late. So he left, and I stayed in the bedroom while my roomie and her date go it on. Lol.
I decided to fall asleep early since I had to work the next day at 8:30am. But here's the shitty thing, my roomie's date's friend came over to pick him up, but he brought a joint over and all three of them got high. Not only were they loud, but they were annoying as well. At this point I knew that I wasn't going to sleep because the anger building up inside of me was causing me to stay up.
So, I didn't actually fall asleep until 4ish; and I had to wake up at 7:15am to get ready for work. Balls.

So, I did a full shift on 3 hours of sleep. Joy. Lol.
So yeah.
I guess that was my day and yesterday.
Now I have to pee.
I hope tomorrow's weigh-in will be just as good as today. I just don't wanna gain weight or stay the same. I want change...
After my last slip up, I don't wanna fuck anything up.

So, my lovely followers and new readers, stay strong. Kay?
Bye bye~!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Fuck, I'm an idiot.

135.3
... Yeah. My roomie brought her gal-pals over last night. They drank, got high, and ate like pigs. Thankfully, I didn't drink or get high, but I did eat like a pig. Why? I was starving, and stressed out from work. BALLS. D:
I'm disappointed in myself, but I know in my heart that I was the one who did this to myself, and that only I can fix it. This whole weight loss thing is my responsibility so since I fucked up, all the blame goes to me. After all, I control what goes into my body, and at the end of the day it's all about less food consumption for more weight loss. Simple.

On a lighter note, JK came over yesterday for half an hour with his buddy IR. I was in the process of bleaching my hair so they didn't stick around too long, plus I don't think they were having a good time watching three other girls being super fucking ripped.
He shaved his beard, JK. And now he's fucking ugly.
I should probably let you know that I'm quite shallow. I like to think that I have good-looking friends and I hang out with people that look awesome all the time. JK isn't one of them. Gross. The spark is gone.
Humans are visual creatures, if something/someone doesn't look good when why even bother? I'm sure most of you agree with me. Deep down, everyone's shallow. The only difference is how much we're willing to let others know about our levels of shallowness.

RM MSNed me last night. After days and days of not talking to me (for some odd reason, I'm not sure what) he finally had the balls to talk to me. It was the usual stuff, like his music production, the show's he's watching, how high he's getting etc. We also talked about my hair, my insomnia, and 'what's up'. It was nice talking to him again, I missed him a lot during the days of silence we've had.
I don't plan on seeing him for a while, though, only because I need time for myself and this whole weight loss thing. I'm almost certain the absence of sex between RM and I has to do with my weight. Although he's a bigger guy and he's loosing a ton of weight, I'm sure he has that change in his visual-perception; like, when you get thinner, people seem fatter to you. I don't know, when I was 99 pounds, I thought everyone was a fat fuck around me. So, I need to get my shit together, diet like mad, and drop the weight. RM has most of my heart, if not all, and I want him to stick around. He's truly the nicest, the most caring, genuine guy I know. I love him a lot, and if he were to disappear from my life, without a doubt I'd be sad and intensely lonely. I can say with confidence, I love him with all my heart, and I'm willing to do everything for him. Too bad he doesn't want a relationship, or at least a committed one. I guess the relationship title scares him, as it does with me. Non-commitment relationships are where it's at; for now.

Well, that's my morning blurb. Oh, and I actually got a decent amount of sleep last night. 7 whole hours. :)
I'm on top of the world.

Stay strong everyone.
And I'll need your support.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Meh...

Again, I didn't go to bed until late last night. 3am I think? I dunno, something like that, and I just woke up a few minutes ago. Probably at 8:30am?
Obviously I didn't get a whole lot of sleep.
As soon as I woke up this morning I went straight to the bathroom, had a nice pee, took of my clothes, and weighted myself. I was kinda worried for the morning weight in only because I didn't really stick to my plan and I haven't had a good BM the entire day. So, as soon as I stepped on I thought to myself that a pound in weight gain is okay, and that it's normal for the body to have massive fluctuations every now and then. I looked at the digital screen hoping to god that I lost something.
133.6 pounds.
I lost another half a pound. :D
So, now I've lost a total of 3.4 pounds since I started this thing several days ago. It's really nice to see that my efforts are having an affect on my body.

Today, is my day off, finally. And I'm looking forward to spending the whole day doing nothing except focusing on this task.
Later today though, at 2pm, JK is coming over and I guess we're just gonna chill for a bit. I dunno, I like hanging out with him a lot actually, and I'm kinda excited.

Sometime later in the day I'll need to get a few things that I've haven't had a chance to get....
1.) Shampoo and Conditioner
2.) Coke Zero 1L Bottle
3.) Eyeliner and Mascara
4.) Gum
5.) Cigarettes
6.) Lube
7.) New Work Shoes
8.) Eggs, Canned Tuna, Oatmeal
Yeah, I have quite the list, but it'll get done today. I'll drag JK around if I have to.

I'm feeling quite happy today despite the fact I only had a few hours of restful sleep. I guess I'm not carrying the stress-weight of "God, I have to work today and listen to a bunch of demanding idiots.".
My plan for today is to fill up on pop, ECA stacks, gum, cigarettes, and a protein shake here and there. I've had a tuna melt sammie just a few minutes ago with a ton of water at 390cal. Not bad, not great either, but I think I'm going to aim my calories at 800cal daily. 500 makes me grumpy, and I don't like being a negative person. Ruins the day really...

So, for all you girls out there, stay strong.
Have patience and be persistent. You'll get what you strive for.
Have a great day everyone, and let's do this together.
Bye~!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Ugh...

I finally went to bed at 4am, or somewhere around there, and woke up just a few minutes ago to some jack-hammering outside my apartment. Great, what a wonderful start to the day. Oh well, at least I got a solid 5 and a half hours of sleep.
I ended up taking two melatonin pills and a cigarette before I went to bed. I guess another thing that helped me to fall asleep was the fact that JK was sending me some pretty sweet texts saying, "I'll come see you tomorrow at work to cheer you up,", and "I'd rather be with you right now but I just can't ditch my friend who's crashing at my place.", and my personal favourite, "You're so gorgeous, goodnight babe, Muah!.". Lol. For a young guy, he sure is romantic. :P

So, I weighted myself this morning, and I was terrified to do it only because I binged on pastries and sweets last night. I was 135.1lbs at the start of yesterday, and I swore to myself that I gained at least 2 pounds from water retention, weight of the food, excess calories, etc, etc. Like, I seriously ate over 2000cal in total yesterday, I was so mad at myself for fucking up like that. So, when I got on the scale this morning, I was mentally prepared for weight gain, but when looked at the digital screen it read 134.1lbs. WTF!? I lost a pound!? You have go to be kidding me. Why does weight lost/gain work in strange ways? Well, now I'm only 4 pounds away from my first goal weight. I wonder what my reward should be? Maybe, some new weights? Or a magazine? I dunno, my rewards for the beginning of my weight loss will be small, I'm thinking the more weight I loose, the bigger the rewards will be when I reach my goal weights.

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo at the end of this weight loss journey. It'll kick start my maintenance stage because I'll always want to show it off.
I thinking some words and a large piece on my back. I don't know yet. They're are so many things that I want, tattoo-wise, that I'll be very difficult for me to actually choose what goes on first.

So, thankfully today is my last day of "bar close" and I get tomorrow off, then it's just "mid-shifts" all the way at work for the rest of the week. I'm kinda stoked. I've been doing the same shift for the past two weeks. I should talk to my manager about this, because it's getting ridiculous and it's making me grumpy as fuck.

Before I go to work, I'll have to buy some Coke Zero and see if I can curb my appetite with that for the entire day.
I'm gonna need all the support I can get. This ain't gonna be easy.
Bye bye~!

Insomniatic Thoughts

I don't know what's going on with my sleeping pattern, but lately I can't sleep until 4am or something insane like that. It's probably all the ED thoughts I'm having when I have a moment of silence alone. It's bothering me... a lot actually.
It's a vicious cycle; I feel tired and then I go to bed, I lay in bed and try to fall asleep, hours go by and I'm still trying to get comfortable, the stress of going to bed frustrates me, and the frustration keeps me awake...

I have work tomorrow from 1:30pm to 9:45pm again...fuck.
I'm looking forward to my day off on Thursday. I know that I'm not going to see RM because I know I'm going to waste my time when I go over to his place. He's entertaining, I'll give him that, but nowadays I getting bored of him or at least the routine we go through when we hang out.
I'm thinking that I should clean my place up, purge all the bad foods that's in my kitchen and start fresh with my new plan. Then, maybe plan something out that'll help me loose some weight. Maybe I should go to the craft store and get myself a few things to busy my hands? I don't know, it's worth a shot. OR, crazy thought, I should get myself those 10lbs dumbbells I saw at London Drugs and weight train at home... I don't know though, it could be a waste of money.

So when I wake up tomorrow, if I ever fall asleep, I'll have a protein shake. 130cals. On my first break at work, I'll have a packet of plain instant oatmeal. 110cal. Then for my second break, I'm going to go to the nearest self-serve salad bar and get myself a couple of hard boiled eggs. 150cal. And when I get home, I'll have a can of tuna before I go to bed. 140cal.
So my total intake for... I guess technically "today" would be... 530cal.
But before I go to work, I'll buy a 2L bottle of Coke Zero.
I'll also have to take my ECA stack 2-3 times a day if I want to lose fat-weight.

I also have another day off on Saturday, and JK said that we should go watch a movie together after he's done work.
Sigh, I miss him... or at least I wish he was here right now... Even though I work with him and see him at least 4 days a week, we hardly have a chance to just chill and be ourselves minus the work-attitude.
I wish he was here right now so that he could cuddle me until I fall asleep...
Hmmm, I guess I'm feeling intensely lonely right now, or at least starved for affection...

I'm in a confused state of mind. I don't really want anything except for my fat body to get thinner... Someday. It'll happen. I just gotta have patience and be persistent.
Today's the start of a new month, and so begins the plan at this very moment.