I finally had the balls to weigh myself yesterday. The scale said 132.0. Today it said 131.7. Even with all the binging, I managed to lose weight.
I'm a fucking idiot for falling in love with someone who's already in love with someone else. I'm forever trapped loving RM and I don't think I can ever love another person like this again. I finally understand the true meaning of love, and it fucking sucks... In my heart, I'm always hoping that he'll give me the same kind of love back but my brain knows that isn't going to happen. I wish I can stop feeling that there's a possibility that I'll stay with him forever. I'm cursed to love someone who doesn't love me in the same way back. But the strange thing is, I'm not mad at him; I'm pretty mad at myself for dropping my guard like this. I don't know. The idea that he'll always have unconditional love from me is something I feel glad about because this world is so harsh and unforgiving. no matter how much he hurts me, I'll always love him. I'll always be by his side. I'll always be the one there to listen to his problems... I pretty much live for him now, and it's driving me crazy that I can't pull myself away from him.
Every time he talks to me, I feel like he's chipping away at my soul. I guess this is my punishment for being so fucking stupid and wanting things that are too good to be true.
I also had SI thoughts last night. I wanted to cut myself in the worst way possible because the numbness I was feeling was completely all consuming; as if cutting and feeling physical pain would bring me back to reality...
I'm going to punish myself today for being so fucking stupid. I'm not going to eat until I'm mentally and physically worn out today. My work called, and asked if I could work a little longer today since someone called in sick and I said yes. I need to burden myself with obligations because I don't deserve happiness.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Update.
I haven't posted anything for a while, so I thought I'd just let you all know how I'm doing.
After the whole issue about RM wanting to stop the intimacy, I took the time I had apart with him to really focus on myself. I realized that I didn't need a boyfriend/fuck buddy to validate my self worth, I realized that I should see my life as half full, I realized that I should start thinking about going back to school, and I realized that I needed some time off of work to really clear my head and get everything on my to-do list done. RM and I hung out a few times and each time was nice. I feel like I'm getting to know him as a person more. I still have this fear that we're never going to be an item in the future, but I guess I can only hope for the best while expecting the worst.
I still haven't weighed myself, and my eating during this whole time was awful.
I'm hoping that today and the day before my week off will allow me enough time to prep myself for a water fast.
Overall, I feel like everything is back to normal, but I now have an empty void I need to fill. Since I've realized this, I'm doing everything in my power to not fill it with food, but instead search for unconditional love that I so desperately want.
My desire to be 'normal' is stronger than ever but my ana thoughts are still dictating every moment of my life. It hard to life this way and I wish I can go back to normal with a flip of a switch. But this is my illness, and with any illness it takes time and effort to get better. I don't know if I want to let go of this ED thing. It's now become such a huge part of my life, I don't think I can live without it. It's a sad thought, but I need to know how to deal with it for the rest of my life.
I dunno. My life is a jumbled mess, but I'll eventually pick up each piece and sort it out.
Well, I guess that's it for now.
I'll blog soon. Promise. :)
After the whole issue about RM wanting to stop the intimacy, I took the time I had apart with him to really focus on myself. I realized that I didn't need a boyfriend/fuck buddy to validate my self worth, I realized that I should see my life as half full, I realized that I should start thinking about going back to school, and I realized that I needed some time off of work to really clear my head and get everything on my to-do list done. RM and I hung out a few times and each time was nice. I feel like I'm getting to know him as a person more. I still have this fear that we're never going to be an item in the future, but I guess I can only hope for the best while expecting the worst.
I still haven't weighed myself, and my eating during this whole time was awful.
I'm hoping that today and the day before my week off will allow me enough time to prep myself for a water fast.
Overall, I feel like everything is back to normal, but I now have an empty void I need to fill. Since I've realized this, I'm doing everything in my power to not fill it with food, but instead search for unconditional love that I so desperately want.
My desire to be 'normal' is stronger than ever but my ana thoughts are still dictating every moment of my life. It hard to life this way and I wish I can go back to normal with a flip of a switch. But this is my illness, and with any illness it takes time and effort to get better. I don't know if I want to let go of this ED thing. It's now become such a huge part of my life, I don't think I can live without it. It's a sad thought, but I need to know how to deal with it for the rest of my life.
I dunno. My life is a jumbled mess, but I'll eventually pick up each piece and sort it out.
Well, I guess that's it for now.
I'll blog soon. Promise. :)
Monday, January 17, 2011
I'm feeling scared...
I've been having anxiety attacks lately and it's making my life a little miserable.
Just a few minutes ago, I was thinking about RM and the thought of him being in a relationship with another girl. Technically, we're not a couple of kind other than just friends, but ever since he told me that he wanted to focus on himself and stop out on intimacy for a while, I feel like I've been pushed to the side so that he can pursue other girls far better than me.
I was also thinking about my past and how I feel towards my parents and what lend me to resent them. I know that as a child I always felt like I was a burden, even though I knew in my heart I was loved. We weren't well off, and so I felt that I was burdening them and making their lives harder. I knew, financially, they'd be better off without me and their stress levels would've been a lot lower, but they were stuck with me and couldn't do anything about it. I always thought that I was a mistake, or at least hoped that I was a mistake so that my assumptions were right, but obviously they'd never admit it even if it was true. They have a lot of pride and wouldn't do anything to tarnish the picture they project. And as a child, I did a lot of extra curricular lessons, and I guess to some extent, they didn't want me around as much as possible. The thought hurts because this theory could be very plausible. They probably didn't want to deal with me and made me play the piano for hours or made me study alone until dinner time came.
So all in all, I feel that they didn't want me around, because they didn't like me, because I was a burden, because I was a mistake.
How does this make me feel? It makes me feel horrible, unwanted, and that no body would ever want me. I have this fear that I'll end up completely alone and isolated and no one will have the heart to save me from the dark hole I live in. I'm completely terrified of complete isolation; rejection gives me crazy anxiety because I'll be abandoned for being me.
In my heart I know people genuinely love me, but this is tainted with my automatic assumption of people finding me a bother. I guess this is why I'm always careful, and calculate every action I do, every thought I think, and every word I say. I feel like I can't trust myself to be free, to be the person that I am. I give everyone the benefit of every situation because I feel like I'm going to lose something whether it may be my pride, my happiness, my freedom. I'm my own prisoner because of this, and it's driving me half mad.
This whole "me-finding-my-perfection" thing starts with being skinny because I need to know that I'll be visually perfect, and when I'm visually perfect, people will seek me out. I'll have the upper hand and the power of whatever situation I'm in and I'd be the leader of my own game.
It's confusing. I'm always having a constant inner battle with myself and I feel that I can never be happy. Sometimes I feel like I need to go into therapy, but what would that solve? How would that make my life better?
I'm insecure, and I constantly need a significant other to justify the notion of me being unconditionally loved.
The very core of me needs to know that someone in this world loves me. Nothing in the world feels lonelier than feeling like this all the time.
Sometimes I look at RM and think to myself that he doesn't truly give a shit about me, and only act the way he does just because he pities me.
I'm so pathetic. I truly am.
If I were to have one wish granted to me, I'd wish for human unconditional love. Not weight loss. It's love that I truly want whether it's from family, friends, or a partner. Just love.
Is that too much to ask?
Just a few minutes ago, I was thinking about RM and the thought of him being in a relationship with another girl. Technically, we're not a couple of kind other than just friends, but ever since he told me that he wanted to focus on himself and stop out on intimacy for a while, I feel like I've been pushed to the side so that he can pursue other girls far better than me.
I was also thinking about my past and how I feel towards my parents and what lend me to resent them. I know that as a child I always felt like I was a burden, even though I knew in my heart I was loved. We weren't well off, and so I felt that I was burdening them and making their lives harder. I knew, financially, they'd be better off without me and their stress levels would've been a lot lower, but they were stuck with me and couldn't do anything about it. I always thought that I was a mistake, or at least hoped that I was a mistake so that my assumptions were right, but obviously they'd never admit it even if it was true. They have a lot of pride and wouldn't do anything to tarnish the picture they project. And as a child, I did a lot of extra curricular lessons, and I guess to some extent, they didn't want me around as much as possible. The thought hurts because this theory could be very plausible. They probably didn't want to deal with me and made me play the piano for hours or made me study alone until dinner time came.
So all in all, I feel that they didn't want me around, because they didn't like me, because I was a burden, because I was a mistake.
How does this make me feel? It makes me feel horrible, unwanted, and that no body would ever want me. I have this fear that I'll end up completely alone and isolated and no one will have the heart to save me from the dark hole I live in. I'm completely terrified of complete isolation; rejection gives me crazy anxiety because I'll be abandoned for being me.
In my heart I know people genuinely love me, but this is tainted with my automatic assumption of people finding me a bother. I guess this is why I'm always careful, and calculate every action I do, every thought I think, and every word I say. I feel like I can't trust myself to be free, to be the person that I am. I give everyone the benefit of every situation because I feel like I'm going to lose something whether it may be my pride, my happiness, my freedom. I'm my own prisoner because of this, and it's driving me half mad.
This whole "me-finding-my-perfection" thing starts with being skinny because I need to know that I'll be visually perfect, and when I'm visually perfect, people will seek me out. I'll have the upper hand and the power of whatever situation I'm in and I'd be the leader of my own game.
It's confusing. I'm always having a constant inner battle with myself and I feel that I can never be happy. Sometimes I feel like I need to go into therapy, but what would that solve? How would that make my life better?
I'm insecure, and I constantly need a significant other to justify the notion of me being unconditionally loved.
The very core of me needs to know that someone in this world loves me. Nothing in the world feels lonelier than feeling like this all the time.
Sometimes I look at RM and think to myself that he doesn't truly give a shit about me, and only act the way he does just because he pities me.
I'm so pathetic. I truly am.
If I were to have one wish granted to me, I'd wish for human unconditional love. Not weight loss. It's love that I truly want whether it's from family, friends, or a partner. Just love.
Is that too much to ask?
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Things Are Looking Up.
Last night...
Work was stressful, only because JK was working. TM, the ASM, has begun to realize how annoying, stupid, selfish, and useless working with the boys is; especially JK. I'm glad she finally understands my frustrations with working, and hopefully she can fix it somehow.
After work, I met up with RM. It was our first time hanging out as 'friends', so I was a bit nervous. I've decided before that I wasn't going to give him any physical contact,do him any favors, tell him intimate things, etc. I was going to be and act as a friend and nothing more.
So I ended up meeting him downtown, and we headed towards Granville Street to walk about and spend some time together. We went to a tattoo shop and looked through the stuff they had for sale. RM wanted to get a piercing and I encouraged him to get his eyebrow done. I tried on a few pieces of clothing and felt/looked super fucking fat in everything. I ended up buying a shirt a bit small for me to get my ass in gear to lose weight. Ugh... I hate being the size I am now. I feel like the biggest fucking fat-ass retard. As I finally bought the shirt, RM was done getting poked. He looked so good, and it made me want him more. I resisted the urge to touch him with everything I had, and we both left the store together.
We stayed inside the shop for a long time and it was getting late. My bus back home wasn't going to run any longer so I said "I'm gonna go home now." and we called it a night. Since he needed to get onto the sky train and my bus stop was on the way, we walked to the same direction. At the place we were suppose to split onto our separate ways, I told him that I'd call him tomorrow (we made shopping plans when we we walking out of the tattoo shop)and let him know when I'm there. He looked at me and said that he'll wait with me at the bus stop and then go home. I said that he didn't have to wait with me and he could just go home since he was tired, but RM insisted, We waited for a few minutes and the bus came. Before I got onto the bus, RM opened up one arm out for a hug. I leaned with my hands stiffly at my sides and I let him hug me; I didn't hug back, Then we said bye and I jumped onto the bus.
He texted me later and said to do him a favour and text him when I'm home and safe. I replied with a monotonous answer.
As soon as I got home, I went onto my laptop and signed on MSN and set my status to busy. I did a couple things away from my computer and when I came back, RM had messaged me asking if I was actually busy. I said that I wasn't and if something was up. He asked if there should be for him to talk to me, and I replied 'no, not really, lol'.
He then said that he felt that I didn't want him around tonight because I was acting cold and not myself. I said that I always want him around and that he's silly for even thinking that.
We talked a bit more and he told me that nothing between us hasn't changed and that the only difference in our relationship is the sex, and how he needed to focus on himself in exchange for the sex. But from what I remember, he told me that he was confused about Lauren and how seeing her smile made him feel confused. So now, I'm a bit confused.
Anyhoo, things are kinda back to normal. Like, 98% back to normal.
And today, we went shopping together, had a really good time.
I kinda like not having sex with him because it's giving me a chance to focus on my body and how I want things done. I can understand where he's coming from. I'm afraid for the point where he wants to pick up from where we last left off and I want to keep the non-sex thing going for my own benefit. Meh.
So, it's getting late, and I have a head ache. I'll blog tomorrow. :)
Night.
Work was stressful, only because JK was working. TM, the ASM, has begun to realize how annoying, stupid, selfish, and useless working with the boys is; especially JK. I'm glad she finally understands my frustrations with working, and hopefully she can fix it somehow.
After work, I met up with RM. It was our first time hanging out as 'friends', so I was a bit nervous. I've decided before that I wasn't going to give him any physical contact,do him any favors, tell him intimate things, etc. I was going to be and act as a friend and nothing more.
So I ended up meeting him downtown, and we headed towards Granville Street to walk about and spend some time together. We went to a tattoo shop and looked through the stuff they had for sale. RM wanted to get a piercing and I encouraged him to get his eyebrow done. I tried on a few pieces of clothing and felt/looked super fucking fat in everything. I ended up buying a shirt a bit small for me to get my ass in gear to lose weight. Ugh... I hate being the size I am now. I feel like the biggest fucking fat-ass retard. As I finally bought the shirt, RM was done getting poked. He looked so good, and it made me want him more. I resisted the urge to touch him with everything I had, and we both left the store together.
We stayed inside the shop for a long time and it was getting late. My bus back home wasn't going to run any longer so I said "I'm gonna go home now." and we called it a night. Since he needed to get onto the sky train and my bus stop was on the way, we walked to the same direction. At the place we were suppose to split onto our separate ways, I told him that I'd call him tomorrow (we made shopping plans when we we walking out of the tattoo shop)and let him know when I'm there. He looked at me and said that he'll wait with me at the bus stop and then go home. I said that he didn't have to wait with me and he could just go home since he was tired, but RM insisted, We waited for a few minutes and the bus came. Before I got onto the bus, RM opened up one arm out for a hug. I leaned with my hands stiffly at my sides and I let him hug me; I didn't hug back, Then we said bye and I jumped onto the bus.
He texted me later and said to do him a favour and text him when I'm home and safe. I replied with a monotonous answer.
As soon as I got home, I went onto my laptop and signed on MSN and set my status to busy. I did a couple things away from my computer and when I came back, RM had messaged me asking if I was actually busy. I said that I wasn't and if something was up. He asked if there should be for him to talk to me, and I replied 'no, not really, lol'.
He then said that he felt that I didn't want him around tonight because I was acting cold and not myself. I said that I always want him around and that he's silly for even thinking that.
We talked a bit more and he told me that nothing between us hasn't changed and that the only difference in our relationship is the sex, and how he needed to focus on himself in exchange for the sex. But from what I remember, he told me that he was confused about Lauren and how seeing her smile made him feel confused. So now, I'm a bit confused.
Anyhoo, things are kinda back to normal. Like, 98% back to normal.
And today, we went shopping together, had a really good time.
I kinda like not having sex with him because it's giving me a chance to focus on my body and how I want things done. I can understand where he's coming from. I'm afraid for the point where he wants to pick up from where we last left off and I want to keep the non-sex thing going for my own benefit. Meh.
So, it's getting late, and I have a head ache. I'll blog tomorrow. :)
Night.
Friday, January 14, 2011
NS... Urg.
NS and I had a day off from work yesterday so we decided to hang out and spend some quality time together. We barely get a chance to act buddy-buddy since we're always tired after work or we have other obligations to do. So we ended up getting a pedicure at the mall and shop around. Everything started out great, we were having fun and the day was zooming past us. But as the day eventually wore on, so did my patience for her. I never realized how much she talks, lol, and it's actually beginning to piss me off. All she talks about is her store's manager and how much she can't do her job, her ugly emo boyfriend from work, and her crappy family life and how her sister is such a 'princess' and how her mom's a fucking 'drama queen'. Even though she's a very nice girl, she's so damn negative all the time and it's giving me a fucking migraine.
If it gets out of hand, I'll have to have a heart to heart with her and ask her to stop being so negative or at least not to dump so much negativity on me.
I'm a quiet, private person, but she always clings and talks. Something about it doesn't give me a good feeling. I love her to death and I think of her as family but if this keeps up I'm gonna have to do something to change the situation. Plus, her fucking ugly boyfriend (who's a year younger than her; 19) slept over, and was noisy as fuck when he left in the morning. Idiot. I can't seem to have any privacy at all. And I don't really have a safe-haven since Ryan's being a fucking dumb ass and being a depressed little bitch. Fuck. I don't know if I want to see him tonight because... oh wait, lol, fuck, I just realized why everything is pissing me off. Oh yes, I got my period the other day so I think my PMS is getting to me.
So, change of subject here, I thought I was pregnant for the longest time since I haven't had a proper period in forever; my fault... actually, since I used my birth control pills to skip periods. I can't be bothered with them. They drain whatever energy I don't have and my iron levels which (I can only assume) is really low to being with. I'm actually glad I finally realized that I'm just PMSing. Sucks to be a girl eh? All the more reason to lose weight and not even get them.
Anyways, yeah, Ryan wants to see me tonight and give me my money and stuff back, so I guess I'll have to see him this one last time. Ugh, so frustrating, since I have to see him after work which is around 10:30pm. I'll be fucking exhausted by then. I'll just see him, and then just leave him. I want my space away from him only because I know it'll be super painful.
Yesterday's calorie intake wasn't too bad. About 1000cal. I'm not going to log what I ate yesterday since I'm too lazy. And for today, I had exactly 600cal which gives me another 500cal to work with the entire day.
Bleh. I fucking hate having my period.
There. Done.
Goodbye.
If it gets out of hand, I'll have to have a heart to heart with her and ask her to stop being so negative or at least not to dump so much negativity on me.
I'm a quiet, private person, but she always clings and talks. Something about it doesn't give me a good feeling. I love her to death and I think of her as family but if this keeps up I'm gonna have to do something to change the situation. Plus, her fucking ugly boyfriend (who's a year younger than her; 19) slept over, and was noisy as fuck when he left in the morning. Idiot. I can't seem to have any privacy at all. And I don't really have a safe-haven since Ryan's being a fucking dumb ass and being a depressed little bitch. Fuck. I don't know if I want to see him tonight because... oh wait, lol, fuck, I just realized why everything is pissing me off. Oh yes, I got my period the other day so I think my PMS is getting to me.
So, change of subject here, I thought I was pregnant for the longest time since I haven't had a proper period in forever; my fault... actually, since I used my birth control pills to skip periods. I can't be bothered with them. They drain whatever energy I don't have and my iron levels which (I can only assume) is really low to being with. I'm actually glad I finally realized that I'm just PMSing. Sucks to be a girl eh? All the more reason to lose weight and not even get them.
Anyways, yeah, Ryan wants to see me tonight and give me my money and stuff back, so I guess I'll have to see him this one last time. Ugh, so frustrating, since I have to see him after work which is around 10:30pm. I'll be fucking exhausted by then. I'll just see him, and then just leave him. I want my space away from him only because I know it'll be super painful.
Yesterday's calorie intake wasn't too bad. About 1000cal. I'm not going to log what I ate yesterday since I'm too lazy. And for today, I had exactly 600cal which gives me another 500cal to work with the entire day.
Bleh. I fucking hate having my period.
There. Done.
Goodbye.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
New Day.
I'm back on the plan and now I'm only going to focus on myself. It's about time I thought about myself without dividing my attention to anyone else.
Breakfast: 1 packet of oatmeal, peaches and cream flavour - 130cal
Lunch: Asian Miracle Noodles - 60cal
Recipe...
- 1/2 packet of 400g bag of noodles: 20cal
- 30ml of Seasoning Soy Sauce: 30cal
- 60g of greens: 10cal
And I have yet to have dinner and a snack...
Snack: @ Starbucks, Venti Skinny Soy Tea Latte - 150cal
Dinner: Miracle Noodles Again - 60cal
But if I get super hungry at night, I'll have an apple to calm my tummy down at 100cal.
Daily Total: About 400-500cal
Peace.
Breakfast: 1 packet of oatmeal, peaches and cream flavour - 130cal
Lunch: Asian Miracle Noodles - 60cal
Recipe...
- 1/2 packet of 400g bag of noodles: 20cal
- 30ml of Seasoning Soy Sauce: 30cal
- 60g of greens: 10cal
And I have yet to have dinner and a snack...
Snack: @ Starbucks, Venti Skinny Soy Tea Latte - 150cal
Dinner: Miracle Noodles Again - 60cal
But if I get super hungry at night, I'll have an apple to calm my tummy down at 100cal.
Daily Total: About 400-500cal
Peace.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Scream
I haven't talked/texted Ryan(RM) all day yesterday (I figured since he wont be a significant part of my life anymore, hiding his name would be a waste of effort). I don't think I can bring myself to break the silence even though I told him I would when I'm ready. He asked me not to be weird about this whole thing, but I can't help it. Bottom line, he hurt me. And even though he said he's rather die then ever hurt me, he kinda already has by turning me down. I think it's obvious that I truly love him and that I've accepted that I love him with all my heart. I think Ryan is still struggling with his past relationships that still haunt him to this day. I knew from the very beginning that this would bite me in the ass, but did I care? No. Love make you stupid and blind to any of this and I'm paying for it now.
Ryan was in a very deep relationship with a girl named Lauren.... just saying that name kinda hurts. She's absolutely beautiful, and from what I hear, she has the sweetest personality and everything about her is absolutely perfect. Am I jealous? No, to be perfectly honest. This just makes me feel disappointed in myself because I feel so inferior compared to her. I want to be like her so that people can appreciate me and see me as sweet, beautiful, and amazing... Ryan and Lauren were supposed to get married. Let me tell you the scale of how much this meant to him. He thought to himself that he would never marry anyone or have kids because he comes from an abusive childhood and that "family" was nothing more than a word to describe painful relationships. Well, yeah, they were supposed to get married, maybe have kids, and start a fantastic life together... Lauren eventually left him for her current boyfriends and so she left Ryan and ran away to be with her new partner. Did he see this coming? No. They didn't fight, or have ill-feelings towards each other. She just left him one day and never looked back. Ryan was immediately crushed and for the the next half year fell into a dangerous home-bounding depression. He lost a ton of weight by wasting away, and almost died because of it. But he eventually stopped feeling sorry for himself, and he took this alone time to take care of himself and to work on himself as well. Then I came a long a bit less than a year later, interrupted his me-time thing and I guess I got swept away with his charm and personality.
...
I'm crying as of right now because it hurts so much....
The one time I truly realize real love... I get crushed for it.
I guess this is how he felt when Lauren left him...
But, this entire thing isn't all sad. You see... I came out of this a bit wiser, a bit colder, and with a more critical eye. I guess every relationship ending does that to you.
I told Ryan that I'd still be friends with him, but at this point it's too early to say if I'm actually going to make the effort to see him.
I guess my good thoughts about 2011 was all wrong, eh? It's starting out to be the worst year ever... and now I'm terrified for the rest of the days. It's barely two weeks into January... My world is crumbing beneath my feet.
... Help me.
Ryan was in a very deep relationship with a girl named Lauren.... just saying that name kinda hurts. She's absolutely beautiful, and from what I hear, she has the sweetest personality and everything about her is absolutely perfect. Am I jealous? No, to be perfectly honest. This just makes me feel disappointed in myself because I feel so inferior compared to her. I want to be like her so that people can appreciate me and see me as sweet, beautiful, and amazing... Ryan and Lauren were supposed to get married. Let me tell you the scale of how much this meant to him. He thought to himself that he would never marry anyone or have kids because he comes from an abusive childhood and that "family" was nothing more than a word to describe painful relationships. Well, yeah, they were supposed to get married, maybe have kids, and start a fantastic life together... Lauren eventually left him for her current boyfriends and so she left Ryan and ran away to be with her new partner. Did he see this coming? No. They didn't fight, or have ill-feelings towards each other. She just left him one day and never looked back. Ryan was immediately crushed and for the the next half year fell into a dangerous home-bounding depression. He lost a ton of weight by wasting away, and almost died because of it. But he eventually stopped feeling sorry for himself, and he took this alone time to take care of himself and to work on himself as well. Then I came a long a bit less than a year later, interrupted his me-time thing and I guess I got swept away with his charm and personality.
...
I'm crying as of right now because it hurts so much....
The one time I truly realize real love... I get crushed for it.
I guess this is how he felt when Lauren left him...
But, this entire thing isn't all sad. You see... I came out of this a bit wiser, a bit colder, and with a more critical eye. I guess every relationship ending does that to you.
I told Ryan that I'd still be friends with him, but at this point it's too early to say if I'm actually going to make the effort to see him.
I guess my good thoughts about 2011 was all wrong, eh? It's starting out to be the worst year ever... and now I'm terrified for the rest of the days. It's barely two weeks into January... My world is crumbing beneath my feet.
... Help me.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
It hurts...
RM told me yesterday that he was feeling confused, depressed, and not himself lately. He told me that seeing his ex-girlfriend smile confused him, he told me that I confused him, that everything confused him. Even though our relationship was more along the lines of friend with benefits, he treated me really well, as if I was his girlfriend. What hurts the most was the fact that he said that he needed to take a step back from it all and just have time for himself. That's understandable because when we first met,I interrupted his me-time so I guess he's picking up from where he last left off. I wont be able to stay overnight at his place or even go there. I wont be able to touch him or do any sort of intimate act with him, it would be like the first time we met but this time, there's history behind it all.
It hurts.
It really does.
Because this entire time I thought he and I were going to be together for a while. And I have never connected with a person this well, EVER.
I feel so fucking worthless right now. I don't deserve anything, not even happiness, food, sleep... anything.
It'll probably the only thing on my mind all day....
Fuck, it really hurts...
It hurts.
It really does.
Because this entire time I thought he and I were going to be together for a while. And I have never connected with a person this well, EVER.
I feel so fucking worthless right now. I don't deserve anything, not even happiness, food, sleep... anything.
It'll probably the only thing on my mind all day....
Fuck, it really hurts...
Monday, January 10, 2011
Blarg...
I haven't been feeling well lately, and being on my detox plan was making me feel worse. I should have seen it coming. How could I be so dumb? Doing a detox and being sick at the same time. I probably got sick from doing the detox. I dunno. I guess it just shows you how unhealthy I actually am.
Today I had 1200cal, and if you haven't noticed, my blog is a bit more organized.
I'm going to go to bed early to avoid eating later tonight and plus, I gotta work tomorrow morning at 8:30am. I'm stoked but also kinda worried about how I'm going to plan my eating around it.
I'll have breakfast there during my first break. So I guess oatmeal, (260cal)
Then during my second break I'll go and buy two apples from the supermarket, (200cal).
After work I'll have a work sandwich, (400cal max).
And then when I come home I'll have something around 340cal.
1200cal for the day. Sweet. I'm feeling pretty confident about it.
I'm making it a personal goal to drink more water. I think I had 3 liters today, and I'll keep it up tomorrow.
So yeah, that's what's going on.
I'll blog later.
Bye~!
Today I had 1200cal, and if you haven't noticed, my blog is a bit more organized.
I'm going to go to bed early to avoid eating later tonight and plus, I gotta work tomorrow morning at 8:30am. I'm stoked but also kinda worried about how I'm going to plan my eating around it.
I'll have breakfast there during my first break. So I guess oatmeal, (260cal)
Then during my second break I'll go and buy two apples from the supermarket, (200cal).
After work I'll have a work sandwich, (400cal max).
And then when I come home I'll have something around 340cal.
1200cal for the day. Sweet. I'm feeling pretty confident about it.
I'm making it a personal goal to drink more water. I think I had 3 liters today, and I'll keep it up tomorrow.
So yeah, that's what's going on.
I'll blog later.
Bye~!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Work People
I'm really starting to hate my job. It's not the actual tasks that I do that pisses me off, it's the people that I work with that make it difficult to be in a positive mood.
JK - Fucking idiot, drunk, retard.
TP - Nice guy but a slacker.
KC - Nice girl but stupid, air-headed, and unreliable.
PM - Unable to recognize the extra work I do, and always says that I need to improve my performance. (Manager)
AN - Boring, condescending, sassy, and slow.
B - Stands around, does nothing, talks all the time.
As for people who don't piss me off...
SR, MA - Young girls that do their job fairly well.
CS - Nice girl, and really sweet at heart.
TM - Awesome to work with, hilarious, understanding.
Obviously, there are more bad workers than good so it's hard just being there. Every time I work with difficult people I end up looking at the clock and counting down my hours to get the fuck out of there. Plus, stressful days make me wanna binge, it drains the energy out of me, I get physical pain from all the stress, and it just doesn't put me in the right mind set to get whatever I need to get done.
Just recently, KC asked if I could take her shift tomorrow even though, last week, she asked me if I could take it or switch. I said "no" because I hate being there and I don't want to close the store with boys. She called me again and without my permission extended my shift, changed my tasks for the day, and now I'm going to close with the boys. Everything that could go wrong, did. I fucking hate how she could just call around and just inconveniently ruin my day without my consent! I texted her saying that she owed me big time, and I was being dead serious. I'm gonna make her do so much shit the next time I see her. I'm gonna make her switch shift with me the next time she has an ideal shift soon. Fuck, I hate me job. It's making me freak out.
JK - Fucking idiot, drunk, retard.
TP - Nice guy but a slacker.
KC - Nice girl but stupid, air-headed, and unreliable.
PM - Unable to recognize the extra work I do, and always says that I need to improve my performance. (Manager)
AN - Boring, condescending, sassy, and slow.
B - Stands around, does nothing, talks all the time.
As for people who don't piss me off...
SR, MA - Young girls that do their job fairly well.
CS - Nice girl, and really sweet at heart.
TM - Awesome to work with, hilarious, understanding.
Obviously, there are more bad workers than good so it's hard just being there. Every time I work with difficult people I end up looking at the clock and counting down my hours to get the fuck out of there. Plus, stressful days make me wanna binge, it drains the energy out of me, I get physical pain from all the stress, and it just doesn't put me in the right mind set to get whatever I need to get done.
Just recently, KC asked if I could take her shift tomorrow even though, last week, she asked me if I could take it or switch. I said "no" because I hate being there and I don't want to close the store with boys. She called me again and without my permission extended my shift, changed my tasks for the day, and now I'm going to close with the boys. Everything that could go wrong, did. I fucking hate how she could just call around and just inconveniently ruin my day without my consent! I texted her saying that she owed me big time, and I was being dead serious. I'm gonna make her do so much shit the next time I see her. I'm gonna make her switch shift with me the next time she has an ideal shift soon. Fuck, I hate me job. It's making me freak out.
Detox Plan
I've decided to do a detox, (and, yet another plan of some sort) to get a kick start to my healthy way of living. Plus, I think I'm a little backed-up... if you know what I mean, so I think it'll be beneficial for me and my bowels. Lol.
Today, I had...
B: 35g of organic raw almonds (200cal) & 85g of dried pitted prunes (200cal)
L: 250g of frozen peas (200cal) with seasoning (5cal)
D: 35g of organic raw almonds (200cal) & 85g of dried pitted prunes (200cal)
S: Rockstar Lemonade (20cal) SHH!
Total: 1025cal.
Tomorrow, I'll have...
B: 35g of organic raw almonds (200cal) & 85g of dried pitted prunes (200cal)
L: 2 packets of Instant Peaches & Cream Oatmeal (260cal)
S: 2 Apples (200cal)
D: 250g of frozen peas (200cal) with seasoning (5cal)
Total: 1065cal
Lots of fiber and wholesome good foods.
I'm planing on doing this for as long as I can to up to a week. I'll evaluate how I feel, and if I can I'll go beyond a week and aim for another week. After that, I'll reduce my calories, eat more veggies and fruit for as long as I can, until I feel comfortable with my eating habits and lose weight.
Peas are amazing little things. They have so much protein in them, I can go without eating meat if I have 500g of them a day. Plus, 500g is only 400cal and has 100% of your fiber intake. Plus, their cheap and they taste pretty good to me.
So, I swear this'll be my last change in diet. I think I finally figured this out.
I like everything I get to eat, I don't have to slave over a stove, and everything is fairly cheap except for the prunes and almonds. Lol.
Wish me luck. I'll need it.
Today, I had...
B: 35g of organic raw almonds (200cal) & 85g of dried pitted prunes (200cal)
L: 250g of frozen peas (200cal) with seasoning (5cal)
D: 35g of organic raw almonds (200cal) & 85g of dried pitted prunes (200cal)
S: Rockstar Lemonade (20cal) SHH!
Total: 1025cal.
Tomorrow, I'll have...
B: 35g of organic raw almonds (200cal) & 85g of dried pitted prunes (200cal)
L: 2 packets of Instant Peaches & Cream Oatmeal (260cal)
S: 2 Apples (200cal)
D: 250g of frozen peas (200cal) with seasoning (5cal)
Total: 1065cal
Lots of fiber and wholesome good foods.
I'm planing on doing this for as long as I can to up to a week. I'll evaluate how I feel, and if I can I'll go beyond a week and aim for another week. After that, I'll reduce my calories, eat more veggies and fruit for as long as I can, until I feel comfortable with my eating habits and lose weight.
Peas are amazing little things. They have so much protein in them, I can go without eating meat if I have 500g of them a day. Plus, 500g is only 400cal and has 100% of your fiber intake. Plus, their cheap and they taste pretty good to me.
So, I swear this'll be my last change in diet. I think I finally figured this out.
I like everything I get to eat, I don't have to slave over a stove, and everything is fairly cheap except for the prunes and almonds. Lol.
Wish me luck. I'll need it.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
So Confusing!
My infrequent posts and failures are from my lack of motivation and self-loathing. Like most of us, our plans are all or nothing, and obviously that works against us when we want weight loss to happen. If we fail, we end up binging or hurting ourselves, and if we stick with our ridiculous-restrictive plans we're going to end up binging sometime soon if our motivation dwindles.
These past few days have been stressful, to say the least. I'm tired of failing all the time, so I think this is a good time to reprogram the way I see my own weight loss and how I go about it.
A.) I need to take care of my body in a healthy way, because I only have one body and one chance.
B.) Eating the right foods is 80% of weight loss and feeling great. This alone is a great reason to start treating my body right.
C.) My lack of an immune system and my body's ability to generate heat is being compromised with what I've been doing to it all these years.
D.) I want to be normal, energetic, strong, sociable, confident, positive, and focused.
Today, I've eaten about 1300cal.
B: Whole Wheat Bagel (210) and an Apple (100) - 310cal
S: 1 Large Hard-Boiled Egg - 70cal
L: Bagel and Apple again - 310cal
S: Sweet Glazed Cashews - 285cal
D: 3 Eggs (210) with hot sauce (10) and an Apple (100) - 320cal
Total: 1295cal
This total amount of calories is 500 below my daily output of calories. So, I'm feeling great about it. I want to lose weight the normal way and feel great about myself doing so.
Tomorrow, I'll have...
B: Bagel and 2 Eggs - 350cal
S: Apple - 100cal
L: Oatmeal - 260cal
S: Bagel & Apple - 310cal
D: 2 Eggs and Apple - 240cal
Total: 1260cal
So, I guess, this is going to be the new me. I'm ready. Bring it. :D
These past few days have been stressful, to say the least. I'm tired of failing all the time, so I think this is a good time to reprogram the way I see my own weight loss and how I go about it.
A.) I need to take care of my body in a healthy way, because I only have one body and one chance.
B.) Eating the right foods is 80% of weight loss and feeling great. This alone is a great reason to start treating my body right.
C.) My lack of an immune system and my body's ability to generate heat is being compromised with what I've been doing to it all these years.
D.) I want to be normal, energetic, strong, sociable, confident, positive, and focused.
Today, I've eaten about 1300cal.
B: Whole Wheat Bagel (210) and an Apple (100) - 310cal
S: 1 Large Hard-Boiled Egg - 70cal
L: Bagel and Apple again - 310cal
S: Sweet Glazed Cashews - 285cal
D: 3 Eggs (210) with hot sauce (10) and an Apple (100) - 320cal
Total: 1295cal
This total amount of calories is 500 below my daily output of calories. So, I'm feeling great about it. I want to lose weight the normal way and feel great about myself doing so.
Tomorrow, I'll have...
B: Bagel and 2 Eggs - 350cal
S: Apple - 100cal
L: Oatmeal - 260cal
S: Bagel & Apple - 310cal
D: 2 Eggs and Apple - 240cal
Total: 1260cal
So, I guess, this is going to be the new me. I'm ready. Bring it. :D
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Do-Or-Die Day: Day 1
I woke up to some horrible construction again. Fuck. Oh well, it was at 9am, and I went to bed pretty early last night. Midnight. It's a lot earlier than what I normally go to bed by; usually 2am or 3am depending on how stressed or distracted I am.
Yesterday, the day before that, and the day before that, and some more days beyond that I've been binging/not counting calories. I'm terrified to see how much I weigh, which is why I'll weigh myself on the 8th if I manage to eat my calorie target consistently till Saturday. My calorie target is about 800-850cal. I'm falling back into my bad habits again. I'm tired of being fat, and tired all the time because I'm fat.
I took a shower this morning, skipped breakfast, and went to the grocery store to get some food for my new plan. Whole wheat bagels, apples, SF energy drink. It all came to under $9. So I had a bagel (210) and an energy drink (20) on my way back home. I'm pretty pretty full which is good, and I started off the day right. 230cal for breakfast, and with a whole food bagel.
Before I go to work, I will have some oatmeal (260), then during both my breaks at work, I'll have one apple each (200cal), and when I get back home, I'll have 2 hard boiled eggs with salt (140). My daily calorie consumption will be about 830cal. Which is, according to calorie count online, 1000cal under my maintenance caloric intake.
I'm tired of giving into food, having no will power, feeling weak, stupid, a fat bitch. I'm sick of it all. I'm going to restrict and make myself who I want to be. I want to be thing, pretty, powerful, command respect, strong. I'm tired of being me. It's time to reinvent myself for the better. I'm going to do it. I know I can.
Yesterday, the day before that, and the day before that, and some more days beyond that I've been binging/not counting calories. I'm terrified to see how much I weigh, which is why I'll weigh myself on the 8th if I manage to eat my calorie target consistently till Saturday. My calorie target is about 800-850cal. I'm falling back into my bad habits again. I'm tired of being fat, and tired all the time because I'm fat.
I took a shower this morning, skipped breakfast, and went to the grocery store to get some food for my new plan. Whole wheat bagels, apples, SF energy drink. It all came to under $9. So I had a bagel (210) and an energy drink (20) on my way back home. I'm pretty pretty full which is good, and I started off the day right. 230cal for breakfast, and with a whole food bagel.
Before I go to work, I will have some oatmeal (260), then during both my breaks at work, I'll have one apple each (200cal), and when I get back home, I'll have 2 hard boiled eggs with salt (140). My daily calorie consumption will be about 830cal. Which is, according to calorie count online, 1000cal under my maintenance caloric intake.
I'm tired of giving into food, having no will power, feeling weak, stupid, a fat bitch. I'm sick of it all. I'm going to restrict and make myself who I want to be. I want to be thing, pretty, powerful, command respect, strong. I'm tired of being me. It's time to reinvent myself for the better. I'm going to do it. I know I can.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
FUCK. IT. ALL.
Long story short.
I'm FAT, STUPID, GREEDY, WEAK!
Tomorrow...
840cal/Daily
B: Oatmeal -260cal (Peaches & Cream)
L: Bagel – 240cal (Whole 12 Grains)
S: Apple x 2 – 200cal (Spartan)
D: Egg x 2– 140cal (Large)
Fuck.
That is all.
I'm FAT, STUPID, GREEDY, WEAK!
Tomorrow...
840cal/Daily
B: Oatmeal -260cal (Peaches & Cream)
L: Bagel – 240cal (Whole 12 Grains)
S: Apple x 2 – 200cal (Spartan)
D: Egg x 2– 140cal (Large)
Fuck.
That is all.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
So Far So Good
Today, I had...
Oatmeal - 260cal
Eggs - 140cal
Apple - 100cal
Bacon BF-Sammie - 360cal
Chicken Baguette Sammie - 340cal
London Fog - 100cal
Total: Exactly 1300cal
I'm very satisfied with that. Since my BMR is a bit above 1800cal, it makes since that 1300cal is a good eating range for me if I want to lose 1 pound a week.
Work was crazy, I didn't get most of my tasks done, but I tried my best to do everything. I worked with TP and JK. I love TP, lol, but not in that way. He's just fun to be around, and he can carry out a good conversation. JK on the other hand, is totally boring, and I'm completely ignoring him because he doesn't deserve my time or attention. I'm a bitch that way, but I don't want to be associated with gambling and drinking since JK is heavily into that. It's kinda sad actually because he's only 20 and he's in the process of destroying his life. He's practically an old man in the making, and I'm all about being young and doing stupid shit all the time. Lol.
Tomorrow is my day off, which is nice since I can get a few things done and focus on my eating. I'm not too sure what I'll do, but I'll probably bum around home and get a few things done. I should buy food for my roomie since I kinda ate her food. Haha.
Ugh... I'm so tired now. A nap sounds good but I'll wait until it's actually bed time so that I wont wake up super early tomorrow and fuck up my internal clock.
I'm not sure if I want to weigh myself tomorrow morning because I have a small feeling that 1300cal might be too much food for me, but since I did have a lot of BMs today, I'm sure I dropped something.
Anyways, I'll blog tomorrow if I can. TTYL.
Oatmeal - 260cal
Eggs - 140cal
Apple - 100cal
Bacon BF-Sammie - 360cal
Chicken Baguette Sammie - 340cal
London Fog - 100cal
Total: Exactly 1300cal
I'm very satisfied with that. Since my BMR is a bit above 1800cal, it makes since that 1300cal is a good eating range for me if I want to lose 1 pound a week.
Work was crazy, I didn't get most of my tasks done, but I tried my best to do everything. I worked with TP and JK. I love TP, lol, but not in that way. He's just fun to be around, and he can carry out a good conversation. JK on the other hand, is totally boring, and I'm completely ignoring him because he doesn't deserve my time or attention. I'm a bitch that way, but I don't want to be associated with gambling and drinking since JK is heavily into that. It's kinda sad actually because he's only 20 and he's in the process of destroying his life. He's practically an old man in the making, and I'm all about being young and doing stupid shit all the time. Lol.
Tomorrow is my day off, which is nice since I can get a few things done and focus on my eating. I'm not too sure what I'll do, but I'll probably bum around home and get a few things done. I should buy food for my roomie since I kinda ate her food. Haha.
Ugh... I'm so tired now. A nap sounds good but I'll wait until it's actually bed time so that I wont wake up super early tomorrow and fuck up my internal clock.
I'm not sure if I want to weigh myself tomorrow morning because I have a small feeling that 1300cal might be too much food for me, but since I did have a lot of BMs today, I'm sure I dropped something.
Anyways, I'll blog tomorrow if I can. TTYL.
Into the New Year... 2011!
I finally weighed myself this morning, and to my surprise I weighed in at 132.3 pounds. I was shocked because of all the binging I've done yesterday and the night before and the night before that, I should be at least 135 pounds or more. Plus, I haven't had my ECA stack which is also another surprise.
I'm 2.3 pounds away from my 1st goal target, and once I'm there, I can finally say goodbye to the 130s for good. I'm feeling pretty good about this. Like I said last year, I have a gut good feeling about 2011 and what it has in store for me.
I ended up spending new years day with RM, hence why there isn't a blog post for yesterday.
On NYE, around 9pm, he messaged me saying if I'd be down to chill with him. I said "yes" of course, and started to pack my things and got ready to head over to his place. He said he was out eating dinner with a few of his pals and he'd be done soon. So, I told him that I'll head for the bus since transit during NYE always gets a little crazy. I shut off my computer, headed out of the apartment, and waited at the bus stop. When the bus came, I texted RM that I was on it, and waited for his response. He then texted me back when I was on the skytrain saying that he's almost finished eating dinner and that he'd be at his place in no time. Anyways, I'll skip the boring part to save you from losing interest. I got to his place and told him that I was there... no response. It was probably minus 6 degrees Celsius outside and I had nowhere to go except wait outside in the freezing cold. It was 11:14pm at this time, super close to midnight. at 11:50pm I've decided that if he didn't show up by then, I'll head back home and just forget about the whole thing.
Midnight came, and I was on the skytrain again heading home. When I was downtown waiting for my bus, I get a call from RM asking where I was. "Grandville" I said, "I'm heading home, it's too cold to be waiting outside". He was confused as to why I was heading back home, but he figured out that I've waited too long for him in the cold. "Did you want me to turn back?" I asked. He said that he didn't want to pressure me into doing anything and that it was all up to me, and of course, because I love him,I turned back to the skytrain and rode back to his place. By the time I get there, it was 1am. I was freezing cold, on the verge of tears because I was that cold, and I was slightly annoyed that I wasted my midnight just waiting for nothing. I didn't even get to make my wish... sigh. RM opened the door to his apartment and had a pretty sad look on his face. He opened up his arms for a hug, I dove right in, and he said that he was really sorry and that he felt bad for taking so long and making me wait. I told him that it was okay and that shit happens. Of course, if he didn't apologize like that I wouldn't have forgiven him.
Later, his friends and I all got high, and when he had a moment of privacy together, RM held my face and gave me a quick kiss and said that he was sorry again.
After his friends left, we watched a movie on his computer, and went to bed at 4am. We woke up at 1:30pm, got some food, watched more stuff, walked about, did our own little hobbies, and went out for food again. I ended up staying there another night, and came home the next morning... So my start to the year was.. good, mostly, with a hint of disappointment. I feel like this is going to be a theme for the rest of the year. Lol.
For breakfast, I had...
Oatmeal - 260cal
Eggs - 140cal
Apple - 100cal
Total: 500cal
I have another 800 calories to work with. So... 400cal for both lunch and dinner.
I'm not sure what I'll have for lunch or for dinner, but I'll probably end up having some work sammies. I could always go to the grocery store and get some apples and some yogurt for lunch and for dinner I could always buy a quick sammie.
Meh, we'll have to wait and see when the time comes.
So, I'll blog later.
Bye bye~!
I'm 2.3 pounds away from my 1st goal target, and once I'm there, I can finally say goodbye to the 130s for good. I'm feeling pretty good about this. Like I said last year, I have a gut good feeling about 2011 and what it has in store for me.
I ended up spending new years day with RM, hence why there isn't a blog post for yesterday.
On NYE, around 9pm, he messaged me saying if I'd be down to chill with him. I said "yes" of course, and started to pack my things and got ready to head over to his place. He said he was out eating dinner with a few of his pals and he'd be done soon. So, I told him that I'll head for the bus since transit during NYE always gets a little crazy. I shut off my computer, headed out of the apartment, and waited at the bus stop. When the bus came, I texted RM that I was on it, and waited for his response. He then texted me back when I was on the skytrain saying that he's almost finished eating dinner and that he'd be at his place in no time. Anyways, I'll skip the boring part to save you from losing interest. I got to his place and told him that I was there... no response. It was probably minus 6 degrees Celsius outside and I had nowhere to go except wait outside in the freezing cold. It was 11:14pm at this time, super close to midnight. at 11:50pm I've decided that if he didn't show up by then, I'll head back home and just forget about the whole thing.
Midnight came, and I was on the skytrain again heading home. When I was downtown waiting for my bus, I get a call from RM asking where I was. "Grandville" I said, "I'm heading home, it's too cold to be waiting outside". He was confused as to why I was heading back home, but he figured out that I've waited too long for him in the cold. "Did you want me to turn back?" I asked. He said that he didn't want to pressure me into doing anything and that it was all up to me, and of course, because I love him,I turned back to the skytrain and rode back to his place. By the time I get there, it was 1am. I was freezing cold, on the verge of tears because I was that cold, and I was slightly annoyed that I wasted my midnight just waiting for nothing. I didn't even get to make my wish... sigh. RM opened the door to his apartment and had a pretty sad look on his face. He opened up his arms for a hug, I dove right in, and he said that he was really sorry and that he felt bad for taking so long and making me wait. I told him that it was okay and that shit happens. Of course, if he didn't apologize like that I wouldn't have forgiven him.
Later, his friends and I all got high, and when he had a moment of privacy together, RM held my face and gave me a quick kiss and said that he was sorry again.
After his friends left, we watched a movie on his computer, and went to bed at 4am. We woke up at 1:30pm, got some food, watched more stuff, walked about, did our own little hobbies, and went out for food again. I ended up staying there another night, and came home the next morning... So my start to the year was.. good, mostly, with a hint of disappointment. I feel like this is going to be a theme for the rest of the year. Lol.
For breakfast, I had...
Oatmeal - 260cal
Eggs - 140cal
Apple - 100cal
Total: 500cal
I have another 800 calories to work with. So... 400cal for both lunch and dinner.
I'm not sure what I'll have for lunch or for dinner, but I'll probably end up having some work sammies. I could always go to the grocery store and get some apples and some yogurt for lunch and for dinner I could always buy a quick sammie.
Meh, we'll have to wait and see when the time comes.
So, I'll blog later.
Bye bye~!
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