Post Vacation

I just had a vacation from the 25th of August till now. Tomorrow I start work, so... I don't know how I feel about that. I just hate my job, I hate that I still have to live with NS for another month, and I also hate living in the district I'm living in, Everything here is fake and cheap and so are the people. I can't wait for the day I'm gone. I can almost taste my freedom, but the rancid flavour of stress still lingers in the back of my throat. 25th - I got a new cellphone because I lost the other. That fucking took eons. I was at Rogers for 3 hours collectively to get a phone. Jesus. Then I came home to NS and her ex-boyfriend-fuck-toy fucking like prepubescent teenagers. Great. I was so stressed out at that point I thought I was gonna lose it. So I packed my shit up and went to RM's. And went I got there we didn't do much; just hung out, do our things, and watch movies. 26th - RM and I went out. I went shopping for clothes and phone accessories, and RM did some ticket promoting/selling and met up with some business people. We met up in the mall, and he finally bought a new pair of pants. We came home ate some dinner. There was a show playing tonight so RM went to the club early and sold more tickets. I met up with him again and kept him company until his buddy took me inside. RM didn't get inside until 2 hours later, and by that time I was pretty tipsy. Matt (RM's buddy) looked after me almost the entire night, and I was pretty disappointed that RM spent most of his time doing whatever he had to get done. We finally left the club, and I was pretty frustrated with the whole show and the fact that I pretty mush spend the entire night by myself. It took us a while to get home since the night bus takes forever to get anywhere. It must've been 4am. We smoked up, stayed up a little and went to bed a bit earlier than 6am. 27th - RM woke me up at 5pm. I couldn't believe I slept that long. We got some food, watched more movies and then RM went to go play poker with his high school buds. I pretty much spent this whole day alone. I don't think he came back until 4:30am. I was pretty bummed. This was probably the loneliest day of my vacation. I didn't expect him to spend every waking moment with me but... don't leave me alone all day and make me wait for him until I'm too tired to wait... I understand that he has a life outside of me, but it's kind of insensitive.... 28th - I was gonna go home today, but RM wasn't going to visit his mom and so he asked me what I wanted to do today. We ended up going shopping and then staying indoors, it was too hot to do anything anyway. I got a fair amount of drawings done. We eventually smoked up and watched movies. 29th - I visited my family today and didn't get back home until late. RM and I made nachos and watched more movies; pulp fiction and minority report. We smoked up again and had a fairly chill day. 30th - We just bummed around and did nothing. Lol. 31st - I started to pack all my stuff in the morning, we had lunch, then I went home. I had an okay vacation. It went by fast... too fast... Tomorrow is September 1st. A new month a new eating plan. I have one month until I move in with RM and so I'll need to be extra good and lose weight so that I can walk around naked in front of RM and not feel stupid about it. Anyhoo, long post. Goodnight.

Just Wow.

So, this week has been absolute hell.
NS is still fucking annoying as ever. I've spend too much time around her; at home, at work, and she still finds the need to say "We never hang out anymore". FFS, seriously!? She's fucking crazy, and needy, and clingy, AND she also does this whole annoying baby talk all the time. Fucking hell. And, for some reason, she can't keep her fucking hands to herself. She always has to latch on to me, poke me, pat my head, or something stupid like that. Seriously, if she fucks with me I'm gonna lose it. I'm even considering not being friends with her anymore because she's also negative and never sees the good in life anymore. It honestly drains the life out of me. I just can't wait for the day I move away from her. I'm not fucking married to her, I'm just her friend. I need physical and mental space away from her because she constantly crowds me all the time. FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE, KAY?!
UGH! And get this, her ex-boyfriend is sleeping over tonight and tomorrow night to hang out with her, and to obviously fuck her. He's only using her for sex, and even though she 'knows' it, she's obviously in denial about the whole thing. And when the day he fucks a different girl comes, I'm not gonna give NS ANY sympathy since I've warned her multiple times and I'm even going to tell her that I don't feel one bit sorry for her. I'm not going to pick up the pieces, I'm not going to console her, I'm not going to do anything for her because she already knows when that day comes and she feels shitty, she'll know that it's ALL her fault and she could've prevented everything.
Also, I lost my phone. So now I have to get a new one, but before I do that I need my dad to release my number from the family account. My dad doesn't know how to speak English all that well because he immigrated to Canada years ago, so now my brother has to do it for my dad but my brother and my dad are barely home together. So now I'm just waiting and hoping for my brother and my dad to do it because I don't have other means of communication other than the internet since I'm always at work or it always crashes.
Work fucking sucks. People treat me like a stupid robot all day because people who live in this area are poseur-rich people who can't fucking afford a coffee everyday and yet they're there everyday.
AND, I start work tomorrow at 1:30pm but I have to be out of the house by 9am because I apparently have bed bugs.
And after work I'll have to come home to NS and her ex-boyfriend fucking, and they're no way to get in contact with RM because he's somewhere out there.
Fuck. My. Life. And everything was going to well for a minute.
UGH! I'm so stressed out and hungry, but there's no way I'm gonna put anything in my mouth. I'm too tense for anything.
I just wish that someone from somewhere would find me and save me from this nightmare.

Just Waiting...

It's been a while since I've posted anything.
I'm sure by now you're all tired of me complaining about life. So, today I'll be focusing on all the good things that have happened to me and what I have yet to achieve.
About a couple weeks ago I was going through all my old posts and I've stumbled upon my new years resolution post.

These were my expectations...
"For the new year, I expect myself to...
- Lose weight.
- Be overall healthier, with healthier thoughts.
- Blog almost daily.
- Continue to love RM and support his needs and make him as happy as possible.
- Apply for school/ Find out what I want to do with my life.
- Paint/Draw/Read/and get back into everything I used to love doing. (I'm suffering for a bit of depression ATM.)
- Reconcile with my family... although I don't want to.
- Find a better paying job.
- Work on my looks; ie. tattoos, hair color, clothes, etc.
- Buy a bed. Lol.
- Make more friends, and continue to strengthen my current friendships.
- Budget more."

Although I haven't lost mush weight, I've pretty much accomplished most of my expectations. I now think about my health over weight loss more so than before. I'm getting into the habit of blogging more. I still love RM and still support his needs and his happiness. I've finally figured out what I want to do with my life. I've gotten into my old hobbies again and I'm totally excited for more. I'm not as depressed as I used to be; in fact, I haven't cried for no apparent reason for a while now. I'm now closer to my family more than ever and I'm damn well glad that I have those relationships back. I've been promoted to a shift supervisor and I'm now earning more than before. I'm now blonde (since I'm of Korean decent, I naturally have black hair) and I've received a lot of compliments from many people, I have a HUGE tattoo of wings on my back, and my ears are stretched, and I'm finally loving the way I look style-wise). I finally have a bed, although it was a hand-me-down. I've made more friends and I'm looking forward to more, and finally I have a grasp on how much I spend and whatnot.

8 months. It took me 8 months to accomplish most of what I've planned at the beginning of the year. I now have 4 more months left and I know for a fact that I can get the remaining tasks done.
I have to keep reminding myself that I'm worth it and that I'm in full control of my life.
I'm excited for the future, for a change, and I can see the light at the end of the self-hating tunnel. If I can continue to love myself more and more each day, whatever I want will manifest itself into reality and I'll be living the dream.
:) but I guess only time can tell eh?

Well, I guess that's it for now.
I'll blog some time soon.
Take care and be strong.

Sicky Poo

I've been sick for a couple days now, and it seems that today it's at it's worst. Not only that, but I'm also off of birth control and finally on my period. Ugh...
I feel absolutely knackered. I didn't take any caffeine or ephedrine, and just lived off of fruit, fruit juices, and a bagel with cream cheese and honey.
I weighed myself this morning and maybe it's just me, the scale, or some other freaky energy lurking about, but it read 128.6. That means that I've lost about 4 pounds in a week and a half due to stress, the my cold, and other factors. I still don't believe I weight this much because I've been putting no effort into my weight loss yet.
I dunno, lately i've been too stressed out to do anything.
ugh... I'm gonna try and get some sleep. night night.

Round 2, Fight!

So I did my chores; Laundry, dishes, garbage, and getting my birth control pills.
I had some broccoli, 150cal worth. So now I'm at (1390+150) 1540cal,and I'm stuffed.
Now, I shall plan out tomorrow's meals/food.
- Green Machine Naked Juice: 280cal
- Mango Madness Naked Juice: 300cal
- Short Soy Flavoured Latte: 110cal
- Udon Noodle Soup: 270cal
And lately, I've been craving plain yogurt for a while now so I think I'll buy some tomorrow.
"Liberte: 2% MF" Yogurt seems like a good choice. It's 120cal for 6oz(170g), and it contains 4.5 servings in each tub. So the entire tub has 540cal.
Now, if I added that to my meal plan... I'll be at 1500cal.
I'll need to calcium in the yogurt since I take an ECA stack almost every day, (Ephedrine, Caffeine, Aspirin) which leeches the calcium out of my bones.
Okay, so I guess it's set in stone then.

Insert Title Here

I just came back from work, and I don't feel as drained as normal.
I had...
- Green Goodness Naked Juice: 280cal
- Short Soy Raspberry Latte: 110cal
- Mango Madness Naked Juice: 300cal
- 1/2 of Milk Chocolate Graham Cookie: 100cal
- 5 Salmon Nigiri Sushi + 4 California Sushi Pieces: 600cal (Yikes!)
That all adds up to... 1390cal so far...
Yesterday, I had said that my limit for today would be 1600cal.
I only have 210 left.
I'll have about 400g of steamed broccoli with salt later if I absolutely need it. I want to stop eating for the day right now, but since it's still kinda early and I have a lot of chores and extra things to do, I dunno if I'm gonna make it.

A lot of you maybe be wondering if I do any form of exercise during the day, and the answer is simple; I do. Lol.
A.) My job is very labour intensive. I work at a local coffee shop as a key holder, and it's pretty famous in BC. I'm constantly on my feet for 7-8 hours a day and I'm always running or walking or even lifting heavy objects.
B.) Skateboarding and BMXing is another form of exercise I do. I probably do that about 3 times a day although I'd love to do more.
C.) My errands are usually done outta the area, and since I don't drive OR own a car I usually walk and take transit EVERYWHERE!
...
So if you're ever wondering why my calorie intake is so large, it's because I can maintain my weight at 2000cal a day.
And if you're also wondering why I plan out my meals/food before said day, it's because my ED is mostly binging/restricting. Planning out what I'm going to eat calms me down, prepares me for the day, and it also allows me not to think "What should I eat?", which almost always fucks me over. Grr!
I hope that clears a lot of confusion.
I intentionally don't post a lot of information about me because I'm a bit paranoid that someone I know might find my blog. I'm an intensely private person to people I personally know, so IF anyone finds this blog, I'd be ruined and loose a lot of their respect (and worst of all, their friendship).

I'll post again sometime soon today. I just wanted to blog before I did my chores. Haha.
Anyhoo. Bye bye for now.

New Day?

Tomorrow is Sunday and also the beginning on a new week, which means another perfect opportunity to start a new plan of some sort. Although I don't feel 100% committed to anything at the moment, I need to keep practicing the idea of structure and restriction. It'll later get me into the habit of losing weight and eating less.
There's a Starbucks near where I work so I'll probably get most of my food there,plus, Starbucks is awesome and their nutritional information is on their website; I can now plan ahead and adhere to it.
I work tomorrow at 6:15am and end my shift at 2:30pm.
I'll limit my intake to 1600cal/day for the week and the next week I'll try 1500, then 1400,1300, etc, until I can get down to 500-700cal a day. :P
For "Breakfast" I'll have a... Grande Soy Cinnamon Dolce Latte: 230cal.
For my first break I'll have a... Bottle of Green Machine Juice: 280cal.
During my 2nd break I'll have... Bottle of Mango Madness: 300cal.
After work, I'll have an Matcha Orange Mango Soy Smoothie: 300cal.
And for dinner, I'll have Udon: 270cal
With a side of broccoli (295g): 100cal
Total: 1480cal
And if I get hungry again, I'll have another serving of broccoli: 100cal extra.
I'll be under my target and healthy.

The past couple of days I was at RM's place. I always spend my days off work there.
I arrived there on Thursday night, bought me dinner, and watched cartoons. Lol.
On friday, we went to the supermarket and got some healthy food, went BMX bike riding with his friend, and even after his friend left we rode our bikes some more. RM got his usual BK fair, and forced me to eat a burger. Gross. Then we watched American History X, and a bit of the Matrix 2. And today we went for BK again (gross), finished watching the Matrix, and then I left to come back home.
All this time away from NS is doing me some good. Although she isn't doing anything wrong, just her presence is pissing me off. All she does is complain about work, and all her negativity frustrates me.
I'm really glad that I'm not going to be living with her anymore. I'll be free of her parasitic dependency soon. Fucking, hate, clingy-ness. Drives me nuts.
Anyhoo, I'm excited to start my new calorie plan. I hope it goes well. Wish me luck guys.

Love, Love!

21st Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday. August 9! And I turned 21.
I was kinda dreading the whole birthday thing because turning 21 is totally terrifying. At 21 you're considered an adult ALL OVER THE WORLD, and you're no where close to your teen years. You have no excuse to dick around and do shit all, and you're expected to be in school studying for a future career that'll set you up for life, or you're supposed to have a decent job with decent pay.
At least I moved out when I was barely 20. I guess I did something right. Lol.

Yesterday, I worked from 5:15am to 1:30pm. I didn't tell anyone about my birthday and things were going smoothly, but my roommate came down to see me and told everyone that it was my birthday. Most of my co-workers were baffled as to why I didn't tell them about it, and the others were horrified that I was working. Lol. Silly people. A day is a day, is a day, is a day. I don't treat my birthday any differently than any other day, that's just how I am. Anyhoo, it turned out to be a fun shift and they even got the customers to say happy birthday to me. Lol.
As soon as I came back home, I took a shower and got ready to go to my parent's house. I brought NS with me, but I wish I didn't. I've had enough of her, but I knew she wanted to spend time with me that day. Meh.
We had a quite dinner with my parents, and had cake. I was worried about how many calories I was eating so I controlled myself as much as I could and stopped eating when I was comfortably full.
My brother drove us back home, and I quickly got ready to go over to RM's place.
Once I got there, RM and I did our usual things. He made dubstep, and I watched silly cartoons.
The there was birthday sex, then it was night night time after that.
All in all it was an okay birthday; neither good nor bad... it was probably more on the good side because I got to spend it with the people I'm the closest with.

Today, I worked... UGH. Frustrating as hell, but now that it's over, I'm so relieved.

Anyhoo, I work tomorrow then I have two days off.
I'll update some more shiz until then.
Goodnight!

Venting.

Fuck. My. Life.
I'm just so glad to be home from my heinous shift.
Since I don't want to think about it anymore, I'll just give you a quick jist of what happened and then I'll move on to other topics.
I fucking hate my job, I hate the people who live in the neighborhood, I hate customers that come in, I hate where I live, I hate that I'm so tired, I hate that I have to work at a place where I have to be fake and happy all the time. I just fucking hate everything. Sure, I'm being emo about it, but I'm so fucking done with it all. The only thing that's keeping my head up is my vacation that's coming up in 2 and half weeks, and my move to RM's place in October. SIGH!!! I'm so fucking done.

I had to work with my roommate today, because strangely enough we work together in the same store. I'm getting annoyed with her only because she pesters me a lot and almost everything about her annoys me. I need time and space away from her, and this whole move will resolve everything. Hopefully.

Now, I'm gonna think about happy thoughts.
... new job.
... new living space.
... new roommate.
... new diet.
... new body.
... new everything.
... RM :D
... cartoons.
... dupstep.
... sleep.
... freedom from everything now.

AHH! I just fucking hate the world.
I think I need a nap.
I'm tired... and crabby. Lol.

Get A Move On

I need to get a move on with losing weight...
I feel like I'm getting fatter with each passing minute...
I look in the mirror now, and I have no idea who's looking back at me.
I've become such a poor excuse of a feminine girl.
I need to be skinny. I need to be thin. I need to feel the bones underneath my skin.
I need it now.

Back Online

I've been internetless for a week or so, and now I'm finally back online.
I can finally look at my collection of thinspo, watch videos on EDs, use facebook, etc, etc.
I haven't weighed myself in a while, and I'm kind of afraid to only because I haven't been sticking to any sort of diet plan since I last posted. My life is going to change dramatically in October, meaning... I'll be moving in with RM.
((RM, for those of you who don't remember, is the guy that I've been seeing for more than a year now. We not officially together since we both have commitment issues, but we make an effort to see each other at least 2 days a week. He's my best friend, my favourite person in the whole world, my life-coach, my bro-ski; he's pretty much my friend who acts like my boyfriend minus the status/label))
I'll be leaving my current roommate/best friend behind, the north shore, the physical closeness to my family, and almost everything I'm familiar with. Even though the move is only 45 minutes away by car, it's the farthest I've ever been from where I am now. It's a bit scary but exciting too.
I've also just realized something unsavoury in the past week too, and it's how clingy and needy NS is towards me. She cried everyday for 4 days because I'll be leaving her behind in pursuit of my career growth. She's also immature when it comes to handling stressful situations and she's also stubborn when it comes to change. We're both 21, young but at an adult age, and so it's time to think differently. She even said at some point that "being an adult doesn't mean that you can do whatever you want, it's about doing shit that you don't want to do in pursuit of what you want" so why is it that she can't follow her own advice?
I'm glad that I'll be living with someone less needy and emotional, and I think the space and time away from her will be beneficial. It'll give her time to grow mentally, gain her independence, etc.
Anyhoo, yeah. I'm moving with with RM, getting a new job, and starting my art career as a well known free-lance artist.
It took me a long time to recover from the emotional trauma that EC Univeristy did to me (about 2 and a half year) but I finally have the desire to draw and paint again and it's something that I'll try to never lose again.
Oh and since I'll be moving in with RM it'll help with my weight loss journey because I'll always want to look good around him and so I'll be more conscious of my body and what goes in it.
I'm hoping that I'll quit smoking too because a lot of the trigger for smoking comes from my current job.
I believe that this whole move in the beginning of october will change me for the better. I'm scared because it might change things between RM and I but I'm willing to take that chance. If I fall, I'll stand up and try again and if I succeed, I'll take flight and soar till the day I die. It's all about the fight and desire of what I want, because it'll later manifest itself into being and at that point I'll be untouchable and my life will be perfect.