Long Time No Blog

It's been a while since I've last blogged. A lot of things have been going on so I haven't had the time to even think about updating; which is bad, I know.
I've started packing my things, and almost everything I own is in boxes. Just the past couple of weeks have been pretty hectic. NS quit her job and so we're not working together anymore. She quit because she was promised another job but she didn't get it, and so now she's unemployed and bunk-ass poor. Since she so poor, she wont have any money to pay for her moving expenses; so now I have to pay for everything and write a contract up saying that NS owes me this sum of money in this amount of time. If she doesn't abide by the contract she basically wont have me around anymore, and I will sue her if need be. When it comes to people borrowing my money I don't fuck around. Money comes first in the 1st world, then family and friends come next. Money equals a hassle-free life and I want to make sure my life is hassle-free as much as possible, so this whole thing is a serious deal.

I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Moving in with RM is going to be an interesting experience; he motivates me to be better in my talents and to strive for what my calling/niche is. In a way, I want to be better than him in every way so that I can prove to him that I'm just some no-body, but someone worth keeping around. My dream is to be an artisan of life, to be great at almost everything, to have a fine appreciation for life that draws people in, to be needed for my skills and to be worth billions. I want to be an empire and change the world for the better. But it's only a dream, a really ambitious one at that.

Weight-wise, I haven't been paying attention to that at all. Some things are a lot more important than selfishly starving. I'll fully commit to it when I'm all settled and relaxed about my living situation, but for now, I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full.

Night night.

Weight Update

It's been a while since I've last weighed myself. I've been more than just stressed, running between two homes (my apartment and RM's place), hating my job, etc, etc. I haven't placed any effort into lose weight either because I've had a lot on my plate (no pun intended). So, this morning after I went to the bathroom, I jumped on the scale; 126.1 pounds. I was shocked. I had prepared myself to expect the worst and yet the best possible outcome happened. I weighed myself 3 times to see if it was a glitch in the scale, but it kept reading 126.1.
Of course I feel relived about this, but it's also curse in disguise. My weight loss came from my stress. I'm actually stressed to the point were my body has decided to eat itself for nutrients.
On a similar note, I've stopped taking ephedrine and caffeine in pill form, I've cut back on my smoking from 8-10 to 3-6.
All in all, I'm glad that my weight is slowly declining.
Yay.

Same Old, Same Old.

Lately, I've been really unhappy about where I am in my life.
I'm 21, technically single, working full-time in a dead end job, living on my own with roommates, with no future ahead of me.
Being 21 was challenging to accept. At 21, you're considered an adult everywhere in the world, you are responsible for your own actions. For each step you take, you're taking a step into the unknown where the pay off is great or absolute shit. When I was 13-18, I always thought my life would magically come together on my 21st birthday because I would be old enough to control things around me. I'd have a career, a great boyfriend, living in a great apartment, living the life I've always dreamed of. But now that I look at myself now... I'm there, but everything about it is wrapped in some way. Sure I have a "boyfriend", except he's technically not; he's a friend who just so happens to fuck me. Sure I have a job; but it ain't no career or even close to the career I want. Sure I live in an apartment with a roommate; but it just so happens that my roommate is crazy and crazy annoying.
I guess I should've been more careful when I wished for this lifestyle. Too late now.
But within all of this, I have the power to control most things. So far, I'm moving in with RM soon; a foil to my current roommate/living situation. I'll be leaving West Van too and living with an area with more character and normal people.
I'll be looking for a new job, and I'll be working on my freelance art portfolio which will be the start to my career.
When the day comes when RM gets tired of me, I'll be looking for someone better than him, and it'll be well worth the effort.
When all else fails I'll continue to pursue the feeling of hope, and live life that I swear I'm dreaming.
I can only hope.

Sigh,,,

I think... I'm depressed. No. I know that I'm depressed.
Just a few hours ago, I'm been having this odd 'there's-an-empty-cavity-where-my-heart-and-lungs-are-supposed-to-be' feeling, and I can't seem to shake it off.
I'm starting to panic a little, and for no apparent reason at all.
Right now, I have the urge to cry, and the thing on my mind is; "I dropped out of university and now I have no future. I'm gonna be working bum jobs for little money and suffer throughout the rest of my life (til the day I die). All my loved ones are gonna leave me for someone better, when my parents die and when my brother dies I'll be left with nothing. I'll never share my life with anyone special. I'll have no friends. I'll be nothing. I might as well just throw in the towel and call it quits. I'm just a waste of air, water, and food. I'm a wasteful, stupid, lazy, talentless, fat, unattractive, ignorant, slob. I fucking hate myself to the point where I feel sick just being who I am..."
It's unfortunate because I'm a human incapable of just accepting myself, and that I feel genuinely ill just being in my own skin, in my own thoughts...
I don't know, I just feel so suddenly hopeless about everything.
I feel absolutely worthless, like I'm the scum of the earth.

I'm tired all the time, mentally and physically. If it weren't for the social aspect of my job, I'd be socially retarded, and not a functional member of society.
I'm either losing weight and/or gaining weight; it always fluctuates.
I'm a fucking grouch all the time. And I lost a lot of passion for life. Nothing excites me anymore.

I dunno...
I think I need help.

Friends No More.

I haven't posted in a while. NS and living in the district that I do has been more stressful than usual. After my vacation, I was scheduled to work 6 days in a row. I have just now finished 5, and tomorrow will be my last shift until my day off. Joy. They were all early morning shifts too, so I've been horribly sleep deprived and not in focus with my eating because of that. I'm pretty sure I'm back in the 30s but I'm too scared to step on the scale and see what the real number is. I'm a bit disappointed with myself, but all my other issues have placed my weight/eating on hold.
NS is constantly crowding me again/still. And last night she brought over 3 people at 10pm even though she knew I worked super early at 5:15am. I was "sleeping" when they all walked through the door, and I was so pissed off I asked RM if I could just stay at his place until I have to work another early shift. So, currently, I'm in his living room, on the couch, on my laptop, just venting, and just hoping that I'll never NS ever again after I move out. At this point, I can finally consider her just nothing; not a best friend.
NS's ex-boyfriend also stayed over, which really bothers me because their whole situation is so fucked up, and when the day that Liam fucks another girl, I'm not gonna fucking pick up the pieces and console NS. Fuck that. I warned her. Multiple times. Plus, I even told her. "Yeah, I know" would be what she says, but I don't think she actually "knows" how fucked she is when he leaves her for good.
Plus, everyday I'm realizing that she's exactly what she hates; she's a cheap, fake, socially awkward person, digging for deals/haggling/stealing shit, who always complains, doesn't shut the fuck up, etc.
Plus, another reason why I don't want to be friends with her is because she expects too much from me. I'm just her friend, nothing more. she says shit like "When I picture my future, I always imagine that you would be there." seriously, I'm not your fucking wife. She also says that "we'll be roommate 30 years from now, and once you leave RM behind it'll just be you and me". Sigh, she's fucking creepy obsessed with me. If only she knew how inappropriate she's being.
I can safely say that I wouldn't care if I don't see her again. From this point on, I'm through being best friends with her. she a fucking stranger to me now.
a stranger.