It's been about a week since I've moved in with RM. It's been okay living with him; nothing is different. It's just an extension of my visits when I used to come here on my days off. But to be perfectly honest, I don't know if I like it.
I had a concoction in my head that living with him was going to be amazing, that I wasn't going to be disappointed in any way, that I was going to be emotionally taken care of... but so far, there's nothing. He keeps giving me subtle hints that were technically not together, that he doesn't want a relationship, that he doesn't consider himself belonging to anyone, etc, etc, etc. To be brutally fair, this is what we agreed on when we first met, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm head over heals for him. On one hand, I'm glad that he's a part of my life, but on the other I wish that he had the desire to be with me.
I don't want to regret me moving in with him, I want to make the best of it, but when he's constantly working/ busying himself with other things and not even giving me the time of day... it obviously makes me feel like this while thing was a mistake. But, alas, I can't back away from it. I broke myself free from NS, I'm attempting to find a new job, and I'm trying for my art career again.
NS is still unemployed. I don't know how she's going to find a job. She quit her previous job, but it looks like she's going to have to come back... thankfully, not at the same store. Phew...
I visited her a couple of times during the week to help her move, to check up on her, to see if she's surviving on her own, and so far so good. She's pretty heartbroken about her ex-boyfriend and she wont admit that she's genuinely hurt from him not caring. I told her that it was going to take a lot of time, a lot of positive thinking, and a lot of self-loving to get over him.
I guess I should treat my relationship with RM as if it were done; as if we're just roommates, after all that's what we are.
Hmm.. I can't help shake the feeling that I'm overreacting, but then again, I don't want to guess anymore. One year is long enough and I just want to move on with my life. I don't want anything to hold me back, I want to live my life selfishly. I want every choice I make to benefit me in the long run. I'm willing to sacrifice almost anything to get what I want. I need to do this for me, because no one else is going to.
On a lighter note, I now weight 125.5! Half a pound more until I've reached one of my goal weights. Surprisingly, I haven't put much effort into my weight loss but I have been stressed out. I think I've made myself sick because my throat is sore and I cough occasionally. OR, it might be RM's fault because he's still kinda sick from getting a cold last week. Fuck it. Whatever.
Today I work from 2:30pm to 10:30pm. Right after work, I'm meeting RM and a bunch of our friends at a club so see Cyberoptics (a great dubstep artist). I'm pumped for this actually. It's gonna be a gong show. I'm planning on getting fairly drunk, haha. I just want to forget about my life issues and just enjoy the moment of pure bliss.
Anyways, I truly honestly hope that RM is just acting a bit funny because he's sick and doesn't feel well. He's a difficult person to read.
All in all, I want him to feel better and start being the RM that I knew a month ago.
To say the least, this while move thing is such a grey area for me.
I don't know how I'll feel next week, but I want everything to be great and back to normal.
Please.
