Sorry Guys. The Internet was down for a while so I wasn't able to post anything new.
I'll get right on it when I get the chance. Lots of partying at dubstep shows, working, and my birthday is coming soon so I may be MIA for a bit.
Stay strong!
With Love!
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
I Want In.
The past few months I've been feeling paradoxical emotions towards my eating disorder (EDNOS). On one hand, I love that I'm healthy, normal, living day to day, and enjoying the indulgences of life. On the other hand, I hate what my body has become; normal. Just normal. There's nothing special about it. I actually have lots of problem areas that could use a little work, and clothes just don't look good on me as they used to.
See? Contradictory feelings...
I miss my old ways, and I love my new ways. But the old ways are screaming louder for my attention, and lately I've been finding myself hating what I've become.
I'm still 133 pounds, give or take a few pounds here and there. I'm still 5'4 in height, and I'm still living my life how I want to... sort of.
I want to get serious about my body. I want to be the thin pretty girl with charm and power. I want everyone to look at me and demand my attention. I want my smile to be the prize everyone is looking for. In other words, I want to be back in the game (by the way, for those of you who play the game, you just lost), I want to be skinny, and no matter what it takes I want to be there. Put me back in the race, I want in!
My goal weight always jumps around from 115lbs to 100lbs. I know what's healthy and smart, but my own vanity is dragging me down to those lower numbers and the thought of losing that much weight is daunting. 115 is a good healthy weight, but I want the world to see the power in my spine sticking out of my back, the determination in thighs that don't touch, and the rare beauty of jutting collar bones and ribs.
I have this image of my perfect self floating in my head, but I want her to manifest in the real world and live in happiness.
I'm torn between two beings, and they both offer things that I want... but the being I'm drawn to is the one that wants to kill me. My strength to be smart and logical is fading fast, and the pure euphoric high of an emaciated body is something that I've always longed for...
I want this so bad. Being skinny is something that I think about every day, every hour, every minute, and every second. I need to do this. I hate myself for being fat and ugly. I hate being average and unnoticeable. I hate the feeling of being full. I just hate it! I just fucking hate it...
So what now?
I don't know, but I need to make something happen.
Hopefully through this blog, various forums, and thinspiration pictures, I'll gather the courage to make an effort into losing weight...
I'm scared, and I know I'll fuck up multiple times, but I'm ready for a change and a challenge.
I'm so fucking ready, it hurts.
See? Contradictory feelings...
I miss my old ways, and I love my new ways. But the old ways are screaming louder for my attention, and lately I've been finding myself hating what I've become.
I'm still 133 pounds, give or take a few pounds here and there. I'm still 5'4 in height, and I'm still living my life how I want to... sort of.
I want to get serious about my body. I want to be the thin pretty girl with charm and power. I want everyone to look at me and demand my attention. I want my smile to be the prize everyone is looking for. In other words, I want to be back in the game (by the way, for those of you who play the game, you just lost), I want to be skinny, and no matter what it takes I want to be there. Put me back in the race, I want in!
My goal weight always jumps around from 115lbs to 100lbs. I know what's healthy and smart, but my own vanity is dragging me down to those lower numbers and the thought of losing that much weight is daunting. 115 is a good healthy weight, but I want the world to see the power in my spine sticking out of my back, the determination in thighs that don't touch, and the rare beauty of jutting collar bones and ribs.
I have this image of my perfect self floating in my head, but I want her to manifest in the real world and live in happiness.
I'm torn between two beings, and they both offer things that I want... but the being I'm drawn to is the one that wants to kill me. My strength to be smart and logical is fading fast, and the pure euphoric high of an emaciated body is something that I've always longed for...
I want this so bad. Being skinny is something that I think about every day, every hour, every minute, and every second. I need to do this. I hate myself for being fat and ugly. I hate being average and unnoticeable. I hate the feeling of being full. I just hate it! I just fucking hate it...
So what now?
I don't know, but I need to make something happen.
Hopefully through this blog, various forums, and thinspiration pictures, I'll gather the courage to make an effort into losing weight...
I'm scared, and I know I'll fuck up multiple times, but I'm ready for a change and a challenge.
I'm so fucking ready, it hurts.
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